Right now I’m supposed to be studying. But I’ve lost the ability to care. I’ve lost the ability the feel.
Numb, again. Which is pretty annoying…Â ha-ha. Especially when you have important things to take care of.
Being numb makes me want to be reckless and do really stupid things.
I know this may sound a little weird, nut I’ve always felt like SP was my family. Like I’m not alone, there may be a backbone is this cold reality of mine. I feel safe here.
Im Back. Life became busy and tore me away from this place. Hope everyone is doing well. Recently in the month of February I have this weird high going. For an entire month I was okay. I didnt feel any sadness and If i did it only lasted for a moment. Does anyone know why that happened? Another interesting thing. Those voices. I hear them every week instead of every month or so. Â They dont bother me. They hardly talk to me. And when they do, its a simple hello. Kinda funny actually. There is my little update.Â
Hey guys. I have been recently feeling really hyper. Things in my mund have been racing. Of course, it feels prettu good. But I havent been able to focus on my school work. I skipped class twice. Â Last week I was so tired and had no energy. For three weeks I have been waking up at every hour.
I never considered having Bipolar Disorder. But I tested for it online. Usually I get 93%. Or very high. Or a very high Cyclotheymia rating. I just wanted to talk to someone that could help me figure this out.
I havent been on here in about a month. Mostly because Ive been trying to better myself. But things have gotten bad again. I think I might need help, because I cant control myself sometimes. And it makes me feel bad because I try so hard to. I just recently started punching things again. I want to do that right now actually. It makes me feel better. But I made a promise to someone I love that I wont. For some reason, I just want pure silence and to be left alone.
Dammit!!!! I feel so fucking low!! I cant even control my mood right now.. I started feeling really lonely today and I tried to kill  it by calling people to see what theyre doing but everyone is fucking busy! So I just broke down… I tried to stY strong. Ive been coping so well.. and they dont know. They dont know anything…
Ive been trying pretty hard so keep my head up. And I have been for about a week now. But today my mood just dropped. Im pretty sure that its because I havent been eating like I should for a few days. And Im so irritated now. Im weak and tired. And This headache is quite bothersome… Im sure Ill pick back up in a couple days..
I’m going to war with my depression. I’m going to war with my ED. I’m going to war with myself and the words that hurt me. This year I’m gonna try to change my life and turn it around. Once I was tired of living and I wanted to stop. Now I’m really tired so I’m taking control. I’ve got a long road. Wish me luck…
I’ve noticed that when you’re on the edge, the littlest things can set you off. The tiniest little issue gets your blood boiling. Makes you wanna disappear or kill yourself and occasionally makes you want to kill other people. Perhaps I’m just a really angry person and I just wanna be alone. Maybe I just want peace and quiet.
You know, sometimes I honestly believe that no one gives two shits about me. Even the people that say they love me. Most of those people don’t even know me. And you know what I think? I think that no one really cares until you’re gone. When it’s too late to do what you should have. What might have saved someone’s life. And you know, sometimes I consider suicide just to see if someone really did care. And if you did, why did you let me go?
I would love to take my life today. Just like I would love to take my life everyday. But I have a a fiance and a little sister to take care of. And I love them more than my desire to disappear.
I haven’t shared to much about my past. But all I’m going to say is… my father died almost two years ago. He was an alcoholic. He died because of it. I know your pain. I’ve known that pain far too long. So if you ever want to talk, maybe Ill share my story and we can gain a better understanding together.
I find that when I become angry at other people, I tend to punish myself or hate myself. I don’t know why I do that.
These Past Few Days…
It seems as though I can only have one or two days of “happiness” or “hope”. Now I feel constant agony. I’ve been researching suicide for a while now. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna try. I mean sure, I’ve had my moments. Standing on the sidewalk, considering that leap into traffic. Been in my basement, trying to stop myself from downing the bottle of bleach next to the washer. But I’ve overcome those difficulties. I had my moment at the bridge. Wondering what it would feel like to just have a moment of pure peace. Just to feel something other than this crushing bull of un-diagnosed depression. […]
I’ve had my battles with weight but I’ve never thought of it as an eating disorder. I just wanted to be a certain weight that defined me as skinny enough. I didn’t exactly diet the right watly though. Instead of working out.. I. Decided to skip meals for about three months.. I ate. Just not as much. Instead of losing five pounds I. Lost thirteen.. but I’m not like that anymore .. But I find a weird,dark comfort in starvation … It makes me feel calm…
Im tired. But I have to keep going. I have a headache but I have to keep moving.
I cant give up. But I want to so badly. I need peace. Im so tired of being fake.
Can a bottle of Zzzquil kill someone if they drink it all? Or would mizing it with two bottles of Ibprofen make it worse?
For the first time, in a long time, I feel something unfanilar. Something great, beautiful, strong.
Something different. I feel happiness, I feel hope. And I know that it may only last for a moment or maybe a day, it reminds me that this life wont be dark forever… There will be moments of weakness maybe almost everyday… But at least I am reminded that happiness is possible. Even if I cant feel it, its inside me. Deep down. Lost. But its there…
Have you ever been upstairs in your room, laying on your bed, about to go to sleep when all of a sudden you start to feel weird. You start to feel extremely paranoud and fearful of something that may or may not be there? Paranoid I mean.. To the point of hearing things. Which makes it worse. And then you have to go downstairs and watch t.v until the paranoia and dear and panic disappears. Does anyone know what this is?
Or has anyone experienced this?
Why am I on this website? Oh, yes. To feel somewhat understood, to find hope, and to live again…
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