These Past Few Days

These Past Few Days…

It seems as though I can only have one or two days of “happiness” or “hope”. Now I feel constant agony. I’ve been researching suicide for a while now. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna try. I mean sure, I’ve had my moments. Standing on the sidewalk, considering that leap into traffic. Been in my basement, trying to stop myself from downing the bottle of bleach next to the washer. But I’ve overcome those difficulties. I had my moment at the bridge. Wondering what it would feel like to just have a moment of pure peace. Just to feel something other than this crushing bull of un-diagnosed depression. I wasn’t always like this though. I used to be numb. The longest that I ever stayed numb was for about a year or so. But I eventually break. I’ve never self harmed or anything. However, I do tend to punch walls every once in blue moon. But that’s only when I become overwhelmed with my emotions and they turn into rage. I’m just really tired.

I’ll make it through. I always do. But damn, its hard.