zerosum

You get to the point eventually where you realize that you’re little more than a speck of dust. That you are alone. That people only interact with you when they want/need something. You give up trying to talk to others about anything serious. You learn that asking for help is futile. You are told that your feelings are invalid. That you haven’t any right to be depressed. That suicide is so blasted selfish.

So you isolate yourself even more. You don’t dare let on that you are in incredible pain. You go through the motions. You do what is expected. You pretend everything is fine.

And you’re […]

My plan is complete, my date is set. I will not fuck it up this time. I’m finally over my sense of obligation to others. Today was the end of that. I can’t get anyone to listen or take me seriously. I can’t even get anyone to fucking talk to me. And no one can say I didn’t try because I’ve been screaming my fucking lungs out for months. So that’s it. I’m done. It was a wild ride and I didn’t enjoy any of it. What the fuck was the point? To see how much shit one person can bear before they break? To […]

I try to sleep and I can’t. My brain won’t shut down. I take another sleeping pill. Another pain pill. Why can’t I just sleep? Just sleep and never wake up.

Fuck this. I’m done.

No one wants to deal with a suicidal person. I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t know why I try to. It’s all empty. It’s all meaningless. I don’t know why I haven’t just done it already.

The nights alone scare me. The anxiety mounts by the hour, and all I can think about is hurting myself. I want to be anywhere but here–alone in my apartment with no one to talk to and nothing to do.

The desire to end my life right now is crushing. I don’t know if I’ll make it.