General

I don’t like who I am. I don’t know what I’m becoming. Loosing your VCard. Getting wasted. Letting your grades slip. Maybe I am an attention whore….maybe I did it because I wanted people to notice me. But I’m that shy girl that sits there and doesn’t say a word? How could I become this? How could I slip away from God and become this evil monster? Why do I treat my family like dirt? Why do I act like this?…..I don’t know…

first day of school. over. i did it.

let me just say, that school is a horrible invention. not the education part. i know, i am lucky to be getting a proper education, but the idea of putting 30-40 hormone filled teenagers in a small room for hours at a time is just cruel.

well there is this guy in my class. he used to like me. alot.

he liked me for three and a half years, right up untill he decided he was just too good for me. i understood. im not pretty or anything, and i had been given the chance to go out with him.

hes […]

I wonder why I want to die,
rather yet to live and try,
Ive lost it all and got it back.
Just to not want it at all and go off track.
My will is gone because I gave my heart.
My life is empty because you tore it apart.
I can no longer care about myself anymore.
I wish there was a way I could lock this door.
The door to my own self worth.
I am worth nothing but your are everything,
my gift and your curse.
I pray each day for the lord to take,
My life away and give me grace.

I’ve been stalking your past tonight. I’ve been going through all of your accounts, posts, words, ideas, thoughts, and actions like some sort of maniac. How they would gawk and stray from me if they knew what has happened…what’s happening.

Your last Facebook post was on February 3rd. I can’t believe you’re still alive from the ‘incident’ you endured. I was told you cried like a little girl, and passed out on the first one. I was upset when I got the news, I was sorry. “I never meant for it to happen, baby. I’m so sorry. Come back to me…” I’m glad I never messaged you […]

Recovery; it seems like it might be set in motion in just a few days. Either that, or I’m taking one gigantic leap back.

My parents are taking me to see a psychiatrist in just under a week. We’re going about my OCD. And although I’m happy to have help with that, I’m afraid the psychiatrist will see right through that first problem. He’s supposed to be the best around, so does that mean he’ll notice signs of other problems?

I want help for my OCD, and my OCD alone. I will not speak of my depression with my parents there. I will not speak of the self harm I once caused. I will […]

I am glad I found this site. It is important to post my view about life and death, the personal decision to decide for many if death is the better choice to cope. My view on the topic is only mine and I don’t choose to get in a heated debate about such a decision

It is hard to die in the USA, even if a person has decided to end their own life. There are legal issues, those left behind to suffer loss of a loved one, estate, life insurance problems for heirs, etc. It is extremely difficult to obtain medications that almost guarantee a […]

It was December 19th 2012 I was 16. at school they all laughed at me made fun of my clothes shoes and hair they said i had problems and that i needed to see a psychiatrist it got so bad i cried every night i put my hand down my throat and puked i became anorexic i didn’t eat. I didnt sleep i didnt eat. i got f’s in all my classes i got pushed around. so one night i decided to kill myself i wrote a letter and took 30 pills all different kinds of pills my mom came in when i […]

It’s my last year of school. The last month.

I’m so fucking close and it’s what I’ve been focusing on.

But then I look past graduation and see absolutely nothing.

The depression is pressing down on me and I feel like I’m suffocating.

There’s no one that understands how hard it is. They tell me I’m being emotional.

“Quit being a little *****. It’s not all about you. Why are you crying? There are people with lives worse then your’s. Stop looking for attention.”

I know it’s not all about me. I don’t want to be this way. Do you think I like feeling trapped? Do you really think I […]

So I made a friend in grade 4, let’s call her Anna; now Anna was new to my school that year, and we instantly became friends. We’re best friends even until now, but that’s a different story, so one day Anna introduced me to another girl at my school, I’ll call her Lia; Lia had friends of her own, Karen, Helen and Senuri. Around the middle of the year all 6 of us became close friends; now one day Lia told all of my friends that I liked a guy named Ayden, I didn’t actually like ayden, he was just someone in my class, but […]

thank god for school wifi. this is horrible. 5 more hours. 5 more hours. 5 more hours.

I am smiling. It’s probably some sick smile because I don’t think it’s an appropriate reaction to what happened.

So, anyway, the therapist I’ve been working with for about 3 months – sometimes twice a week for 2 hours at a time doing EMDR – sent me an email to shit-can me today.

Seriously.

That’s right, folks. Go for help and get shit-canned. TRUST NO ONE.

I laugh. Did she really think that drugging up past trauma wasn’t going to generate some sort of dissociation? Depression? Suicidal thoughts? She is a TRAUMA RESOLUTION SPECIALIST but she can’t work with dissociative states? FTW? FTW?

And, she emails to inform me of this […]

My best friend in the world just said she didn’t want to be friends with me. Said we don’t talk enough in person. We tell each other everything and text all day. But we don’t see each other much. Dammit.

I am cripplingly fatigued for what seems like every second of every day.  I have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything, and it’s gotten so bad I just want it all to end.  I feel that life is wasted on me.

The thing that just destroys me inside is that I have the potential to lead a decent life; I know what it would take for me to get my shit together and I keep trying and psyching myself out.  I’m reasonably intelligent and girls seem to find me attractive but I also have a crippling shyness that has completely devastated me socially.  It’s […]

Ready to die. That’s what I’ve been for a really long time.

I call myself ready to die. I’ve always wanted to die. Since I was 7 years old. I just don’t understand. I have a good life, considering. I am a straight-A student. My parents are not abusive; I have never been bullied nor hurt; so what makes me suicidal? Death has always been a goal of mine. Online, I’ve searched for poisons like hydrogen cyanide. I’ve always had a fascination with blood, too. My dreams are filed with gory images of me slicing people open while they scream. I’m obviously messed-up. I feel that […]

For the first time in a long time, I wanted to die last night. I had the weight of everyone and everything on my shoulders, and to make the pain and strain less, I cut my left thigh 4 times with a razor blade. The cuts were deep, which is a cutter’s dream. I wanted so badly to cut my wrists, but I didn’t want to bother with trying to hide them later on from my family. I’ve been sick this past week with a cold, and my stepmom bought me a knock-off brand of Nyquil. I took 3 shots of that, hoping it would take […]