I Never Knew You

I’ve been stalking your past tonight. I’ve been going through all of your accounts, posts, words, ideas, thoughts, and actions like some sort of maniac. How they would gawk and stray from me if they knew what has happened…what’s happening.

Your last Facebook post was on February 3rd. I can’t believe you’re still alive from the ‘incident’ you endured. I was told you cried like a little girl, and passed out on the first one. I was upset when I got the news, I was sorry. “I never meant for it to happen, baby. I’m so sorry. Come back to me…” I’m glad I never messaged you or text you and told you that, because I don’t mean it at all. You really ruined me. I have a paranoia now, by the way. It’s been with me since about a year after we met. Want to know what it is? I’ll tell you. I keep thinking you’re watching me through the windows, like some sick stalker creep. I can’t take a shower during the night without cutting off all the lights. My night vision is pretty good. It’s hard for me to be myself in public, because I think you’re around, watching me and knowing my thoughts. I have to act like I used to, like you want me to.

I cut myself over you one time. I have cried so much. You took everything from me, baby. You did. Sometimes I dream about you, and I wake up scared. I don’t want you near me, but a part of me wants you so bad. In a sick, dirty, filthy, Nine Inch Nails Closer type way. I’m not a virgin anymore, by the way. It hurt at first, but it got better. I know what to do now, if you would like to try and come see me. That’s how I think sometimes. I want to envelope, swallow, devour, and take you in to my mind, my body, and my soul. There’s nothing left but some sort of monster who walks back and forth, craving the blood of the one who stole mine. But then I remember, I fucking hate you. Your skin reeks of death, manipulation, evil, seduction, and utter bliss. I hate all of it, and I want to burn it. I want to throw up all of these memories from the depths of my stomach and paint you a picture of them. The picture would be of you and I, walking around the park and swinging on the swings. Kissing on the sky made of lines. Getting hot in the Labyrinth. Drinking Red Bulls in the town and dreaming together. Laughing, screaming, cussing God and society, committing suicide, planning, stalking, hating, swimming, escaping, and dying.

I remember your eyes. I thought they held true meaning behind the surface, but it’s all empty bullshit.  You didn’t mean anything you said or did, it was all for You, for promotion, for your desires. You lied to me. You promised me you wouldn’t leave me, hurt me, or break my blue butterfly wings. You snapped them in half like twigs, and now you have had your manhood snapped in half like twigs in return.

I sometimes wonder where you are, what you are doing, who you are seeing, what you are thinking, and if you think of me every time you go to take a piss. lol, that last part had me giggling. But anyways, I look up the obituaries in your town sometimes to see if you have died yet, because your blog and every other account is void of new posts. Yea, I checked them. I check every other month or so, out of curiosity. I’m still twisted inside, thanks to you. If you ever come to this area, swing by. Maybe we can chat like old friends on my front porch. Lol, that would be a cold day in hell.

-Jamie