General

This is the first time I have ever written on this so I hope I am doing this right. I just cut myself again. I haven’t done it in so long but right now I just hate myself so much. I love to watch crimson red blood pour out of my porcelain skin. It calms me down. It is a simple motion that I would much rather face than my complicated life. I told myself I would stop but my razor just keeps calling me back. I can’t picture myself ever really stopping. I give major props to the people who have and I wish I had […]

Hi guys….how are you?

I do not have any friends.  I know alot of people but none of them know me.  They use me.  Only ever calling when they need money or a place to crash.  I don’t know how to make friends either.  It’s easier said than done.  Hell I even took out a want ad for a best friend-isn’t that sad?  I’m too weird for people, I guess.  No one understands my humor.  I’m not great at getting to know people, but once I’m comfortable with them I can talk all night.  It’s just a matter of getting from point A to Point B.  What happens is […]

Why must I feel emotionless? Nothing about me is real anymore. No one can see past the disguise; Fake smile, big brown eyes filled with pain. I feel empty inside the only pain I can feel anymore is the cold metal on my skin with the pain that comes along with it. I wanna just cry until it hurts but every time I feel the need too I can’t seem to find the tears. My depression is slowly destroying me; I can’t deal with this anymore, I’ve been fighting with nonstop continuous battle with my depression and I’m losing. It’s becoming worse. To the point […]

I wish I could shoot some cocaine before I die at least one more time, yet I don’t think I have that much time left, maybe tonight, tomorrow, or the next day.

I have even been planning to do some, yet cocaine around phoenix is nothing but crap. Last May I was on a mission, and bought an oz. of coke, tried to rock some up, and nothing, so the cocaine wasn’t cocaine, at least there was very little and the rest cut, what a bummer.

So I came up with a plan. Crack Cocaine by its nature has to have cocaine in it to rock up, […]

To kill myself or not kill myself? That is the question. I hate decisions. In the mornings I can’t even decide which pair of socks to wear, so how do I prepare myself to determine a life or death situation? If I choose to live, how do I know if I’ll be happy someday? Will I just have to wait and see? But what if it turns out my life never turns around, and I just spiral deeper and deeper into this  pit of nothingness, living everyday regretting that I never ended myself? That’s the thing, I’ll never know.. and that’s what I hate about […]

I draw the single, slim razor I broke out of a shaving head down my wrist. It works so well, I love it. The thin lines of crimson life seep out and form red drops. Its so beautiful. When the liquid threatens to spill I lap it up, the wonderful, metallic taste of life slowly draining out. Tomorrow I’ll put on the make up to conceal these scars, and hide my lovely blade somewhere safe. Cutting, I’m becoming addicted with you. I want to see my blood gushing out, but that much pain just doesn’t sit well with me.
Why did I post this? Because […]

I usually find anti-suicide songs very patronising and not really helpful at all when I’m in that dark place. Having said that, this one really resonates with me. It’s positive without being condescending. Well, I think so anyway 🙂

The worst part about all of this is that I can’t remember his face. I know he was older and he had curly (or maybe wavy?) black hair. He might have had glasses, but I’m not too sure about that. I know he had nice headphones, and I was jealous that he wouldn’t have to deal with the constant noise of the bus running along the road.

That’s all I remember about him. I don’t know if it’s better that way or not. In some ways, yes, because it doesn’t give me anything to focus on when the attack spontaneously pops back into my head. But […]

One of the worst things about being a cutter is the aftermath. First, you have to clean up your mess and make sure you don’t stain anything or questions will be asked. Then you probably tend to your wounds to make sure they dont get infected because then you could die and not the way you want to. Then you have to maintain the hiding, what about when I change in the locker room? Or go to get blood taken? What about when it’s summer and people grow suspicious if I wear covering clothes all the time? You have to plan around these things and […]

I feel nothing. I just feel so empty inside. I feel like someone else is up there in my head controlling everything I do. I want to talk to someone, but I don’t want my parents to find out. I self harm, and I take way too paracetamol at a time, hoping one day i won’t wake up. But the thing is, I’m not sure why i do it, I don’t have a concrete reason. I’m just sad, all the time. My life isn’t perfect, but it isn’t the best either. I just don’t know what to do.