Life is death, death is life, there’s no life without death. Life is useless, life is worthless, life is not needed, at least not for me, life is a beautiful promess that can’t no be keep, life is a fairytale, life fed us up with bullshit, life makes us work our ass off for what, maybe something but at one point what will happen it will all go away, life tels you that itself is beautiful, but deep inside life is so ugly, life won’t last, all those things you’ve work for won’t last you won’t last and what will happen nothing, you’ll just go […]
why is it that whenever someone says they care or that they love me, i break out into tears. its like its so hard for me to accept it and to believe it that when someone tells me they care about me; it makes me feel so good and sad and happy because i feel like ive never been cared for. im not even sure how to describe it. i hope you guys understand what im trying to say/how i feel.
In 2010, after over a decade of severe depression and several years of suicidal feelings, I made the decision to finally end things. To this day, it is the only time I have ever made concrete plans to take my life.
I kept a journal documenting my decision and feelings before and leading up to my planned suicide. Below are excerpts from two of those journal entries (the second being parts of a private message sent to someone from my past I had reconnected with. It was written as my end date was approaching).
Perhaps there are some people who will find comfort in reading these things […]
People have killed themselves over more and over less. If truth be told, this is not the first, second, or third attempt. It is not even the first attempt this month.
I just want to say that I’m overall pretty disappointed in mankind. We’re selfish, rude, vindictive, spiteful, and no matter how much “word of god” is preached, the more religious are usually the most corrupt.
I ended my life with trust in one person. He told me that if I killed myself, I would go to hell. I think he just told me that to scare me. I hope that he just told me that to […]
A constant question I ask.. How did I get here? How did I get to this empty dark place? A few ppl have said that I am not to blame for my past. But what if I fought harder to prevent all this torture I have now? What if I could’ve prevented the nightmares and seeing his face feeling his hands and his breath. Smelling his disgusting sweat and hearing his disturbing voice? What if I am the one to blame? I feel as though he shouldn’t get away with all he did while I sit and remember every last thing.. Yet he has no […]
So I have done everything I can to try and turn my life around and it just seems all I do is make it worse. I am now homeless, and jobless. My own family is basically not wanting to help me anymore – and I barely have any friends.
I will die by the end of the year and I am researching how to do it – I hate this world. People keep saying God has a plan for you – Well my name isn’t Job okay – I just feel I must have done something really horrible in my life to have my life be […]
I really want to let him go but i cannot it has been two miserable years filled with heart brake and tragedy. I love him yes i do with all my heart but he’s a monster that made me into a mentally insane person. Your probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about well heres my story.
He’s my boyfriend and well we have been together for two years now almost three I’m 17. at first things were nice and filled with butterflies and rainbows but then, but then i saw the monster that was hiding behind that gentle warm smile. You know i used […]
It took 18 years to remember
You want five to forget
Forget about it.
I never thought I could survive to college. I never saw myself in a dorm. I never saw friends.
But I did. I didn’t live in a dorm. I rented a two-bedroom house with a fenced yard for my two adopted dogs. I went to class. It’s my fifth year in school, and yeah my past caught up to me, and yeah I had a few slip-ups, but I am going to graduate in May with honors- a GPA above 3.0.
So why?
Why do I want to die now?
Of all times, places, people, memories, why now?
I […]
Well. I’m afraid I’m going to lose a friend to suicide, no matter how hard I tried to make him see otherwise. It’s ultimately his choice. And I’m not gonna force him to change. But the more I think about why I’m still here myself, is I just don’t have the damn luxury to commit suicide like some of the lucky people do. I just don’t have the luxury. I have too many people to take care of. And if I didn’t have one scrap of love for them, then I’d say fuck off and then hang myself like I always think about. But I […]
W.T.F. is meant by “troll”
I feel like I’m crossing the point of thinking about death to making it happen. So I started thinking about my attempts to make things better, many times have I seen therapists, doctors support workers etc. I’ve always felt these people to very dishonest, good intentions, bad methods. The most recent person I worked with was titled a social inclusion officer I think. I spoke with them a few times before I reached the point where I couldn’t trust them. They always say things like “things will get better” and “you’re a good person”.
I can’t help but think, I’ve just met you, I’m a complete […]
I feel empty. tried to kill my self twice, and currently not suicidal but lacking. lacking the will to live, lacking the will to get up lacking the will to sleep to eat, to go outside lacking the will to do anything.
my favorite activities. . . . no longer seem to interest me. I always loved stories. so i would take almost weekly trips t the movie theater, it was nice haven’t been there in 3 months. I’m a geek i read comic books, haven’t read any since summer. I enjoyed my friends, haven’t talked to any of them in over two weeks. I […]
I have many times considered going mute or at least try to avoid talking all together. It seems that not really anyone wants me or wishes to just accept me. I try acting hyper and energetic at time to gain that attention but I still feel that people would rather forget me. I though try to act quiet and wise but it doesnt counter the random fool people mistake me for. I can’t blame them, and I feel that I’m never able to get out of what I am. I feel left out. My goal is to become remembered long after I’ve died but I […]
Life has lost its flavor, so I’ll cut out my tounge to spite my taste.
A family member and two celebrities killed themselves this year. We know Robin Williams, but another is a well-known innovator in the veterinarian world (Sophia Yin). I relate to Sophia the most.
People around me tell me that I’m amazing and can’t believe what I’m accomplishing; I’m such a good friend; I’m an amazing animal trainer. They confide in me that they are ultra depressed. One family member is in/out of a mental ward. My mother and father are now gone; my brother doesn’t keep in touch. I contacted someone who once loved me (I think?) but who always hurt me…I’m forgettable or ignorable or… Why […]
Ever catch the scent in a girl’s hair when you go in to kiss her neck?
I miss that.
Still alive. I was planning on doing it almost a month ago. But then there was my sister’s wedding, and once that passed, I realized the holidays were fast approaching. Then there are my students, too. I teach at a local community college, and I rather like my students. And whether they like me or not, losing a teacher mid-semester is bound to be traumatic.
As much as I want to kill myself, I feel the need to wait for a better time for the people I’m leaving behind. Everytime I walk across the bridge near my apartment, I fantasize about jumping off. I don’t know […]
Hello?….. Is there anyone there?
If I could just do it right now, it would be very little planning, as few “tools” as possible and I would REALLY enjoy feeling physically amazing just before starting.
I would want to do something quick, like a little slit of the wrists, thighs,and then carotid and jugular veins / arteries. Either that our I’d eat a bullet. Quick, precise, and thorough.
The only reason I can’t do it right
this moment is because I have so much shit to wrap up so that I know that I will be absolutely no more burden to anyone. , Plus, if I were to go […]
The time is drawing near….
I fear. It’s coming on a lot faster than I expected it to. It’s a little odd how the more and more I feel the need to exit this life, the less and less detailed and involved it needs to be. I used to sit and think about how much better things would be for me and for everyone else if I wasn’t here. It was like I would daydream about how wonderful I would “feel” and how free everyone else would be. I would picture my services when I was laid to rest and I would think of all […]