The time is drawing near….

The time is drawing near….
I fear. It’s coming on a lot faster than I expected it to. It’s a little odd how the more and more I feel the need to exit this life, the less and less detailed and involved it needs to be. I used to sit and think about how much better things would be for me and for everyone else if I wasn’t here. It was like I would daydream about how wonderful I would “feel” and how free everyone else would be. I would picture my services when I was laid to rest and I would think of all the things that would no longer plague me.
Now, I just can wait to get it the hell over with. While I lay there sobbing my eyes out and crying like a starving, beaten, orphan, I simply wish I had a loaded gun within arm’s reach of me so that I could just get it done. All of the meticulous details are so unimportant now. I don’t care where I am. I don’t care how I do it. I don’t care what day it is, what the date is, what I am supposed to be doing that day or the next (as far as what is expected/needed of me). I honestly don’t care. I could use a gun, bleed out, hang, drive off a cliff, drown, overdose, I really just don’t care.
In a way I do still worry about who will find me and what it may do to them psychologically and a bit about what my kids will go through (especially my youngest) but I know that they will all make it through the whole ordeal and be alright in the end. My last wish would be that any and every one affected by my death would eventually understand and just be happy for me.
People say that to commit suicide is a selfish act. I can see their point of view. I can. In my case though, I have been so very selfless my entire life that maybe I just subconsciously knew that I needed to save all of my “selfishness” for my last act. I think that I am deserving. I do think that I am still being selfless in what I am doing just for the plain fact that I am saving so many people so much heartache and grief as well as all of the many financial burdens and the pain of having to deal with an adult child with mental issues. I can’t imagine just how horrible that would be.
(Just a little side note if you can tolerate a lil bit more opinion here….. I, in all honesty, do not see this as a coward’s way out. How many people that say that have actually stood on the ledge of a bridge ready to jump? Or held that freshly sharpened knife to their wrist or neck and just prayed for the courage to press down hard enough? How many have taken almost enough pills to die but couldn’t get the courage to take the last four or five that they knew it would take to ensure a one way trip? Coward? I don’t think so. Some people need to take another look at the situation entirely.)
So, with that I will say thank you to all of you who have posted here. Most of you have helped me in some way or another. I can say for sure that you helped me feel less alone and a little more normal than I have in my miserable life. I’m sure I will be posting again sometime before I go but in case I don’t, I’ll bid you adieu. May you all find the serenity you are seeking.