There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Oh no. Here it comes. The darkness rolls over me like a summer storm over the meadow. I’m surrounded and I have no where to do. I am paralyzed with no direction. Panic sets in and I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I’m completely hindered. What do I do? The knife. Get the knife.

No! Don’t get the knife. Splitting seams won’t solve anything.

It’ll calm me down! I’ll have something to focus on. The pain is a dull ache that comes in waves like the ocean tide over sand. I’m drowning and I need something stable. Something sane.

Cutting gets you no where but a lot of […]

i hold the blade
It casts a shade
Over my life
That is filled with so much strife

Why did they choose white.
I can’t even sit in a new, freshly “neutral” white painted. apartment for 5 minutes, without the greatest feeling of discomfort anymore.
Hospitals, Institutions, Doctors, Lights, all rooms and hallways, even the freaking beds and gowns and the stupid little wristbands…

Waking up, and the first thing you see is that awful white ceiling, blinking your eyes just to make sure it’s real, because it’s not the ceiling you saw when you closed your eyes. A slight panic might creep up, how can that be?, “where am I?”
Turning your head around, just to pan over more of the white, walls, […]

all those tests
With red X’s through them
Life is just a test
And I’m just putting a red x
through mine
Right on my wrist
The blade is so much more powerful than
the pen

I’ve contemplated suicide for most of my life. In fact, I recall my first memory of considering killing myself at the age of 9. I’m in my early 20s now attending university and in the time that has passed I still question why I didn’t end it all those years ago.

I never am “good enough.” No matter what I do or how well I do it, I am never complacent. Which leaves me constantly feelings disappointed and worthless. After years of these emotions, inflamed by periods of depression and social anxiety I feel I’m ready to end it. End everything. The sadness. […]

2 roads diverged in a road
And
I sat down
And
Made streams of blood
Flowing from my throbbing wrist
The rivers turned the dusty roads
To muddy roads
I started to sink
Into the bloody mud
I haven’t been able to come out
And I’m starting
To drown

Im glad i didn’t commit suicide today. I think my friend knows. But why didnt he tell people? Was i wrong about him? Dose he even know. Everytime i think about it my heart keeps dropping a beat. It feels like a bulit went into my heart. Is he truly my loyal friend?? Well 2 days of deep depression for no reason hmm…. Im still in depression but not like before… But i dont seek help why

-brian mejia r.

Ps srry its me thinking and writing at the same time????????

The urge and pain is back. My only way out would be to hang myself (good thing there’s trees around), but im broke right now and I can’t buy the rope. I used to have some, but my parents found it while snooping through my room and they threw it away. I honestly feel like these are my last days on Earth

I guess my problem has always been loneliness… been at school all day, then i did some sports and… still. I literally have like 2 hours of alone time and i cannot stand it. I feel like im losing my friends. My ex-girlfriend wants to get back together, told me her friend told her to break up with me. As much as I still like her, I cant do that. I was clean from porn for three months and now… one day. Shit is falling apart.

I don’t want to be here anymore

i didn’t know what love was
I thought it was
Bared breasts
And
Sweat
I just wanted love
So
I didn’t cover myself
I pretended I was asleep
Then I found out
That sex is not love
I’m ashamed
of what my ignorance led to
It led to me
Being dirtied

he touched me
His fingers
His mouth
His legs
He touched me
He made me dirty
The dirt won’t come off
I’ve tried soap
I’ve tried water
I’ve tried blood
His eyes follow me
Watching for
A curve of my figure
A flash of skin
Is it my fault?

Goodbye, From AnonKun (I have replaced my real name with AnonKun whenever it appears)
I am very aware that many readers of this note may be surprised upon discovering it that I committed suicide. Please know that this was not a spur of the moment decision. This is not a decision I made lightly, or one that was imposed on me by people, society, or circumstance. This is a painful decision I made after years of on and off suffering with no logical conclusion or end in sight.
To address what is likely the most immediate question, I will explain why I chose to take […]

When I pick up the phone
When I want to tell you
When I can’t stop cutting
When I’m holding the blade
If you can’t hear
the scars on my wrist
Then how could you hear
the telephone ring?

every night the tears would come
Then
I stopped
I stopped my feelings
I couldn’t laugh
I couldn’t cry
I couldn’t smile
I couldn’t
And now I want to
I want to cry, smile and laugh
But I can’t
Because I’ve forgotten

It’s just bullshit, after bullshit. I can’t even keep track. People say just do what makes you happy and that’s a big fat nothing. Nothing makes me happy and if something did we wouldn’t be having this conversation now would we? Didn’t think so, now fuck off. Every time I feel accomplished and proud of something I watch someone else do it better and I feel like shit all over again. Piano: I’m good, someone else is great. Singing: I’m good, someone else is great. Acting: I’m good, someone else is great. Being nice: I’m good, someone else is great. Grades: Mine are good, someone […]

These are the nights and the lights that we fade in

These are the words but the words aren’t coming out

They burn because they are hard to say

For every failing sun, there’s a morning after

but I just wanted you to know

that the world is ugly

but you’re beautiful to me

and are you thinking of me

like I’m thinking of you

though I really need to go

I just wanted you to know

I wish I drew this, but I found it.  I wanted to share because I found it to be quite touching, with a hint of humour

Lets play a game. I am going to comment my difficulty setting and I want you to tell me yours then think of two things that could make it worse.