It has been hard to go to work the last couple weeks. I love my job and am good at it….it is just in the psychiatric hospital and I wonder sometimes if I should be the one in the padded room instead. Oh my life is so contradictory.

A couple days ago.  I haven’t cut in a couple months. I’ve going to most likely do it again. I want. Things I can’t have, things I can’t live without. I chose a long sleeve shirt for my job for a reason, I have to just hide it. I think about locking the store, drinking the night away, and just cutting myself till I bleed out in the store. I hope people try and rob me with a gun, so I can ‘do something stupid’ and get myself shot. I’m a coward, I can’t do it myself. I wish I dead. Or just. No I […]

I wrote this up a good while back, and all of it still applies.

I still want to die almost every day, but I can’t as long as my girlfriend is still with me

If you’ve found this, it means that you’re either nosy as hell, or I am dead.

I mean no harm to anyone by killing myself.

This is my own fault, and not yours, more than likely.

To Leelee, my beautiful, smart, and lovely girlfriend; I have but to say that I am so, so fucking sorry. You are a great person, and you did all that was in your power to make me happy. […]

Love is a lie. It’s just misery, suffering, and pain covered up by so called “trust”, but when someone you love abuses your trust, the pain is revealed. The chemicals that make you feel warm around someone only trick you. Nobody can be trusted. Trust isn’t real, there is no certainty. It’s all lies and betrayal, and it only leaves you lonely and scarred.

I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or just confused. I’m in a relationship with a man. We’ve been together for a long time. But lately everything feels fake. I don’t know if I’m attracted to the idea of lesbianism, if I want a clever and easy word to describe myself, or if I’m just tired of all these men chasing after me. Sometimes I think about women when I’m with my boyfriend. I hate that. I wish I could give him what he needs, but I don’t feel adequate. I wish I was better. I wish I was more nice and less selfish. But […]

since we are not allowed to discuss methods can anyone tell me of a website or something were we can? i dont want to complain about the hell i am stuck in anymore, i need to figure out how i can end this soon since i will probably ruin things somehow for someone the longer i live. i cant do anything right thats been that way since for ever and thats how its going to stay ive come to accept it. what i cant accept is more years of pain 32 is enough. is there groups for people to meet up and help each other […]

Just posting again cause I’m alive still. Tracking life I guess.

Right now, as I write this, I am in my room. Alone.

It is dark around me and only the light of my computer’s screen is giving me some artificial clarity. But I don’t complain. It is better this way. It is… Perfect for what I am about to do.

In front of me, in my desk, there are several pills and a bottle of water.
I am about to feel true control for the first time in my life and then…

Then…

It will be the last thing I will ever feel.

So my ex boyfriend and me.have been talking. He always says he likes me and really wants to be with my but he pisses me off and I deny him. So yesterday I told him about my depression and he comforted me and even offered to bring a screwdriver to me because I couldnt get the screw out of my.pencil sharpner for the blade. He encouraged my cutting and now he got mad at me for asking him if he liked me so much why did he talk to other girls. He got pissed and now im.scared hell tell everyone at school about my depression […]

DISCLAIMER: What you’ll about to read is not a story its more of a rant, no, its a glimpse of what is on my mind and how my mind works and thinks. I wrote this disclaimer after i’ve written the things below.. I’m not sure if someone will understand it, or even understand what im trying to accomplish, but i do hope someone is, in someway, is the same as me..

My mind is my greatest enemy. My mind brings me pain. My mind is a super highway of thoughts i cant keep track of. My mind fears the unknown, its such a curse to always […]

My life changed 7 weeks ago.

7 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend via email. What was worse, I found out that he planned to fly her out to our home whilst I was visiting family.

I called him on it and I ended up going back to visit the family as planned but knowing this woman would be coming into our home and sleeping with my husband in our bed. I told no-one but the pain was immense.

I felt I couldn’t say that much as we had also been the result of an affair some 19 years […]

Ok so I consider myself an empath definately and it makes it damn near impossible to be happy or myself in society. Virtually every minute of every day I can feel peoples emotional energies and in the past it has driven me into the wild and homelessness. I live with three people now and it is slowly killing me inside my soul yourns painfully to be in nature but I am not yet ready to go physically speaking… My society is Extremely hectic generally speaking it truly is like a rat race of misery lol out in the public and many peoples pain and […]

He told me that he loved me more than anything, and left me.

He told me I was his best friend, but he didn’t want to see me.

He cried for the first time in years and said that all he wanted was to go home with me and watch a movie, and then he dropped me at my sister’s house.

That was three days ago.  The story has changed since then; he just needs to be alone. I can give him space. I can be alone, too, I’ve done it before. But I can’t stand not being able to hold his hand, lean on his shoulder, hear him […]

it seems far away but close by.  while my meds are helping me think of it less day by day the universe resists.  A friend from college committed suicide last week.  It’s taking some time to hit me and i still don’t know if I have it for real. I lit some candles. went to the wake, saw the body. But I still can’t. I can’t describe how i feel or what I’m thinking. I know that before in my head I would laugh when i thought about killing myself. I don’t laugh anymore. It’s not that it feels more real or less real but […]

I only have one person in my life. Its my boyfriend. He spends most of his time at football and we live 500 miles away because of the college he’s going to. I haven’t seen him in a few months. My mom and dad used to abuse me so I was taken away and put into an orphanage. I was adopted when I was 8 years old. I spent 3 years in the orphanage. My mom and dad were taken to jail. My mom had a shorter sentence than my dad. She tries to contact me daily. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times. I’m […]

Dear diary,

This is the first time I have ever cut in my life.

To say get better when you don’t have to.
To say there’s help when you don’t need it
To live when you don’t want to die
but
It’s hard to stay alive when you can’t stand to open your eyes to another day
You curse the day that you’re awake
You hope today is the day you’re brave
enough to take your life away
Suicide…why do people think I’m crazy?
They’d rather have me alive to watch me slowly die than to take myself out.
I’m looking to escape everyday
hope is finding the way out
I need to get out!!!
Why is it so […]

After all this time,I’m back. I decided to stop using the site for a while,get some breathe,turns out I’m back into that dark whole. I’m worse than before. I hate myself more. I’ve become this person who when I look in the mirror I feel sick. I’ve become this weak person who cannot stick up for themselves. I just do what’s best for everyone else and what makes them happy,no one sees I’m broken inside,no one sees or let alone cares. I started cutting again and they’ve got deeper more of,and some people notice and ask,I give a petty excuse and they believe […]

When I was younger, I thought it was cool to have suicidal thoughts. I craved the attention and loved how people saw my ‘pain’. I forced myself to think things like, taking to many pills and hanging myself or whatever, but I guess I never really understood the meaning, because I never wondered what would happen to me after that. As I grew older, I changed from what you might call ‘Emo-style’, to look like a happy, tanned girl, with blonde hair. I could never […]

On my wrists and at my feet,

My containment, now complete.

To hell they say, will be my way –

Leaving dreams to fade away.

Hollow now, I sit and stare –

Recalling deeds that got me there.

I hope my friend will come to call,

Dressed for death and standing tall.

Ready now, I close my eyes –

My heart is slow and tranquilized.

Surrender now – the only way

I wait for him to call by day.

Late last night he left my bed,

And took the halo from my head.

An empty shell was left behind,

A pretty face without a mind.

I sit within my gilded cage,

The need has left to turn the page.

Crying out brings no […]