no one cares, so i dont even know why i need to write this. (i wish i could get a horrible disease and be gone!….it is so unfair that people that are loved, needed and wanted get these horrible, incurable diseases….while, i who have no one and wants to die…stays half-way healthy. I’ve never understood this miscarriage of justice!!!) the thieves (my deceased sister’s young adult children) need not ever show their face around me.(dead or alive) i would like to think, as i did discussed with my brother’s daughter and her husband (man! he is so great to me!…as much as he […]
WHAT do others do with anger? Thankfully, i live alone, so i at times rant and slam things down. i beat on my arms, i LOVE feeling the pain…it allows my mind to refocus. I sometimes cut, but i prefer the hitting, beating myself….usually my lower arms and when they get too sore the upper arms. sometimes i leave bruises…sometimes it takes a day or so to show up. try to cover them when out in public. Again, at home i am alone. i wish for crazy things…like to drop a cynder block on my head, knock myself out (doubtfully) or get a brain bleed […]
I was always so damn sober and clean. So sensible around drugs and addiction.
Now I’m beginning to think like an addict. Feelings/thoughts approaching unbearable? Take a pill. A non-prescribed one if necessary.
Every day there are reasons to take a downer. Yes, ironic. I’m as depressed as can be. But the drug makes me stop caring. Makes me dumb, fearless for the duration. Bit wobbly on my feet maybe, but I can face anyone and anything without anxiety.
At last I found an online source of what I need. Marijuana makes me nauseous. Drink was never my thing. But there is a pill for every ill. So […]
Does anyone ever feel this way? i can be going good, then ONCE AGAIN, i find myself being taken advantage of for trying to help others, only to be critically used in the end, OR completely ignored by an entire facet of my family….always have been…and then they sit around and wonder what is wrong with ME?,,,when they refuse to have me over, state my house is too small, so refuse to come here. i hate the judgement and games they play. Neighbor wants to constantly use me…does help me at times (as i need/appreciate assistant due to my chronic pain issues) but just found […]
when was it that I first knew you?
Eternity — at the age of two
I think I first saw you.
gazing through my tear-soaked blindfold
that my mitten-bound hands could not remove,
I lost myself in the warm colours of your embrace
as terror descended on a body no longer mine.
you remain my first memory. but then,
how could I understand you?
seven. on dark basement steps, you found me again.
though you took me by surprise.
soothing and seducing
were your intoxicating whispers —
yet silent were your eyes.
I took in your ethereal liquor —
I breathed your whispers in.
“You don’t have to be here and suffer;
you just have to imagine.”
so imagine I did. I buried […]
–Fictional work of a delusional nobody—
Hello and the fact that you’re reading this means that you were the poor unfortunate bastard who found my body(i’m terribly sorry about the mess the envelope in my pocket contains money for a cleaning service and there business card).
Now on to business shall we, where were we , ahh yes you’ve found me, now im guessing you are wondering why what could have possessed me to do such a thing well I hate to dissapoint you but im not completely sure why i did it either there have been many factors that have lead me to my decision but […]
i’m only sixteen. what the hell is wrong with me? honestly.
am i suppose to be happy? or at least the slightest bit content? everybody else seems to be. but perhaps that’s because they spend their time making fun of me. i can’t make friends, it’s hard for me. and if i do make “friends” they outcast me and make me feel bad and different. it’s like they’re only my friend so they can make fun of me really and make themselves feel better. my parents don’t believe me when i say i don’t have many friends. i think they’re In denial.
they don’t even believe […]
I really don’t know why you guys still living
Do you ever wonder how insignificant you really are? I’m sitting out here looking at this beautiful sky but I can’t help but feel entirely small. Life has become so hard for me to grasp and understand, and it leaves me completely confused. Day to day I fumble through the same routine: fight myself to get up, go to work, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. The only good part about my day is being with my family at my new home but I don’t know how long anyone will ever love me. Love always goes away. Orat least that is how things have been thus far.
I want […]
I guess I’m back. Last time I was here I was in high school. Now I’m in my second year of college and not one thing has changed. My uncle, his wife, and his son came down for the 4th this week. I haven’t seen them in 3 years. I hardly know them. They never come around. Well none of that matters. Just a minute ago my Grandmother told me that my uncle said I was “Anti-social”. It hurt. I tried to talk. I gave my best. They think I’m weird, but weird is good to me. I lost all my friends from high school […]
My dad only tells me he loves me when it’s convenient. He calls our house and is like “Who is this?” when I answer. I couldn’t tell if he was joking, but I say sarcastically, “One of your kids”. He then says that one of my sisters calls, and I tell him I’ll let her know that he called back. “Alright, bye.” Then hangs up.
Lol that’s the most I’ve talked to him in about 2 months. Yeah I know some people don’t get to talk to their dads at all. Sometimes I wish he was completely gone so I didn’t have to be tortured by his superficial asshole yet nonexistent […]
”Take all of the courage you have left.Waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head.”
I’m the kind of person that can have legacies
But instead I destroy them
And I’ll keep destroying them until I can create them.
Sometimes it’s better sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes you can get up sometimes you can’t even gain strength to eat. No matter everyday I put on a smile and feel that she is serene like i have never known. I am very sick physically. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend. How much longer I can hide this from her. I over came MY depression and suicidal thoughts I fought off those demons and most the time I never once thought I would make it through. Years of self hatred and abuse have not done me any good. I am venting and trying to […]
I planned to go tonight. I have the pills ready. I honestly don’t know if I will or not. I had a partner last summer, we got ready together. She drove to my place (where I live with my mother in the middle of nowhere) to pick me up and we cuddled all night and talked and watched her favorite show. But on the day it was to happen, I backed out. She didn’t and sure enough her obituary showed up on the internet and her friends posted messages about her. She was part of a community who really misses her. I only have a […]
I feel like I don’t want to keep on trying anymore, it’s hard to explain but I feel like I have finally achieved everything I’ve ever wanted and still I don’t get any joy from it. I still have some things that I have to “fight for” but I already know that when I finally get them I wont feel anybetter than now.
It feels like even when I got what I wanted (to have friends, and family and succeed in what I do) nothing is real, I feel like it’s all in my mind, I don’t think anybody actually loves me or cares about me. […]
It’s been a terrible week… I’ve barely eaten I cringe at the thought that I must live in this world. I recently quit football and now nobody speaks to me. I’m just so ready to leave this place… The long nights that leave me mentally insane are destroying me. I just need the perfect way to do it… I’ve tried taking a ton of pills and then getting drunk but no success.
All these people seem so happy. And by happy, I mean at least mildly content. I used to enjoy the 4th, as well as many other things. So many people with their significant others. Years have passed since I’ve had one. I don’t blame girls. It’s me. I walk around all day depressed and utterly hopeless. I have no passion for anything anymore. At least I don’t have any kids to screw up. That’s why I used condoms back in the day. One more of me running around??? That would just be cruel. Some might find this upsetting, but I have great respect for those […]
Has anyone ever heard of going out by power line? They are low voltage ones but also low hanging and remote enough. Over the past 5 days I have gone down the list. Nothing has been successful obviously.
A wise man once said,
” depression is like drowning, you can see a hear everyone around you, and somehow, your still alive.”