I planned to go tonight. I have the pills ready. I honestly don’t know if I will or not. I had a partner last summer, we got ready together. She drove to my place (where I live with my mother in the middle of nowhere) to pick me up and we cuddled all night and talked and watched her favorite show. But on the day it was to happen, I backed out. She didn’t and sure enough her obituary showed up on the internet and her friends posted messages about her. She was part of a community who really misses her. I only have a handful of family memebers, most of whom I rarely see any more, who would really give a fuck.
There was another before her, she had everything ready, but she was too far away and got impatient and went on her own. It’s hard to believe that was nearly two years ago. What else am I waiting for?
I have no good reason to go on. I’m 23, a college dropout, a schizoaffective, never had a job, a car, all my friends are gone and have moved on with their lives. I do nothing but smoke weed and stare at a screen, and I’m really fucked up in the head. I screw up every chance I get, sometimes in the most spectacularly disastrous ways. Or at best I just fail to take anything to the next level, I’ll get along with roommates for instance but when I move I’ll never see them again. Now I’ve been living with my mother in the most isolated social environment you can imagine, the same place I grew up. I never had a real adolescence because there weren’t any other young people or things to do close by and as a result I’m incredibly socially awkward.
I really don’t want to do another year of this. The thing is though, this is the perfect time of the year for my family in terms of convenience and financials. I don’t want to make it harder than it already is. I still have a chance to do it in two weeks but it’s not quite as good.
This is such a fucked up place to be, but I’ve been suicidal to some degree since 15. What else am I waiting for? Things aren’t getting better and I’m just getting older with no prospects for the future. They both managed to do it and I talked to them. I can still remember when she came to pick me up how she ran crying into my arms. And then the last texts. I actually gave her the sources for the pills and information about it. That’s a weird thing to know that you did.
And the first girl, we talked on webcam. I waved her goodbye. I was the last one to hear from them both.
I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to be proud of but plenty to be ashamed. I know that if I don’t go tonight, I’ll just try again in a year. Do I really need another year of this?
5 comments
?wat?? are you saying you agree to die whit other, but you back out and let them die instead?
God…
Yeah, I know. I know. But it wasn’t like I was going to stop them. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me.
I had lika a partner once, luckily we both backed, basicaly because she wanted me like to murder her instead of both killing ourselves. We’re both still in contac, still fucked up, but alive.
That’s the trouble with having partners. You end up with stuff on your conscience if you don’t go ahead. You don’t sound as if your mind is totally made up. I relate to how you feel, though I am nearly twice your age. I have severe bipolar (with psychosis), and it has laid waste to my life, and I stare at a screen most of the day too. Am also socially anxious. There’s no point me telling you I hope you find a reason to live, because from where I’m sitting, there isn’t one, and it would be hypocritical.
Dark shaman. Great name.
Partners are a hard thing to do. Controlling and understanding free will is the hardest thing to do. Something in you is keeping you alive. I think somewhere in you there might be a single ray of hope– an unfulfilled dream maybe that one day all this will go away with the introduction of that one something.
Dark shaman. Have you ever looked into magick? I derived great peace, control and knowledge of myself through the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. I don’t know about your religious background but I found great support and such unprecedented acceptance in luceferian satanism. Magick is a powerful resource to change your life but be forewarned that if you dabble, you will find reason to kill yourself. Look into it. See if you can’t “will” yourself to somewhere different than where you are. Doctors like to tell you that you have a disease. Knock that shit off right now. You’re not bipolar, schizophrenic or any of that mess. You’re a human being having a difficult human experience. You’re not fucked in the head- not any more than the rest of us so don’t feel lesser than. The power to take your life is the same power you need to change it. You decide where to focus that power.
If you do go, write me. I want to remember you. I want to give a fuck about you even if no one else does.