sometimes you don’t get to make your own choices

Sometimes it’s better sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes you can get up sometimes you can’t even gain strength to eat. No matter everyday I put on a smile and feel that she is serene like i have never known. I am very sick physically. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend. How much longer I can hide this from her. I over came MY depression and suicidal thoughts I fought off those demons and most the time I never once thought I would make it through. Years of self hatred and abuse have not done me any good. I am venting and trying to push through as long as I can. Every day the world gets so heavy I can not breath. If I could have know she would have this burden to bare I would never have allowed it. Here I am. What can I say. There is no saving her from this. I can slowly die with her by my side or it can be fast and she can keep in here thoughts always every happy thing till now she will be able to recall. And as for my mother…. yes I had a mother if you could call her that. There was a woman I lived with till I was ten who conceived me. Could I picture my life without her yes and everyday I wonder where I would be now had she left, died, killed herself. Not because she was physically sick, but if you want to talk about hurting your child go talk to a severely abused child at age 16 tell  mewhat is worse. I am trying to convey if my child took her life I would be sad for my lose and hers, but as most of you should know if she felt what I did growing up… things are different for each person. Those of you angry your anger is well placed at a selfish parent figure. I am trying my best every minute of every day to make sure she never has to have a burden I can prevent placed on her. Sorry for typos on cell and this site didn’t allow for good grammar or spell correct on a mobile.