Love is beautiful. It gives you a reason to live. Just go out there and give….. It feels awesome.

i am writing this down more as a note to myself than to all of you but you can still listen.I am not going to kill myself in a few days from now though i may die and that is the intended goal as i do not have the desired will to live,But im probably not going to die as my attempts always fail.
the plan will be to reschedule appointments to friday that way i can get an important event out of the way.Id like to take friday off completely but i dont know if thats possible.anyway after my appointment i will go to […]

initial days: people used to build pyramids & architectures. lots of human lives is invested on it and currently no one give a shit about their efforts.

beneficiary: kings and leaders ( less than 10% of ppl)

losers: avg humans who follow others ( >90%)

in 18th century lots of human lives are sacrificed in wars

beneficiary: leaders and aristocrat(10%)

loosers: people who follow (90%)

Now lot of human lives are investing on building organizations and technical products

beneficiery: owners and rich(20%)

loosers: who follow others (80%)

Irony is follower/avg humans don’t know that they are wasting a yet another human life. they are bussy building others organization same ways acestors-they are busy in […]

“….the most important thing to realize is that you and every person you see will soon be dead.”

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYm50Sdf1Dc

I don’t know if it’s help to anyone else, but it’s help to me…

At this point I honestly don’t know what to do.. Stuck on stupid over this boy that doesn’t care one bit about me & pretty much used me for sex.. maybe if I’m gone he’ll realize I actually ment something to him.. I just wish he cared like he used to……… ):

I admit I don’t have the greatest life. My mom is the shittiest person alive, no one actually cares about me they just pretend they do then treat me like shit, I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever been close to, I’ve been through abuse of every kind, I have a lot of health issues, I have extreme anxiety and depression, and I’ve never been given any reason to like myself so I don’t. But there are definitely people out there who have it worse than I do. So why do I always feel like I want to die… nothing can really make me happy anymore and […]

Honestly, I am just tired. old, done the same job for 25 years, (Stay at home mother)  lived in a strange city for the last 18 of them. Not one friend in this whole city. I hurt from age and loneliness. I was someone else when I got here but between him and the kids.. Who am I now? Trapped in the house by my own fears of the traffic. So fat I hurt, yet the pain keeps me from exercising.. Catch 22. I won’t die, I would love to, but how can I? How can I put my husband and kids though that? Yet […]

I’ve been so lonely lately and I feel like my music is the only thing I have to hold on to. Nobody will listen to me when I speak, when I cry, when I scream, I feel like I’m falling into a deep dark hole. Never to return again.

I’ve had so many thoughts about running away or killing myself… I’m starting to scare even myself.

I’ve always hated myself. I’ve never actually felt love except for when I was a kid. I’m still falling into the endless void.

Always was. Always will be…

My daughter’s last day of camp is August 10. If I leave August 8 and send a delayed e-mail to her father, that gives him a day to clean up the mess (and hopefully feed the cats). He’ll have to pick her up, obviously.

I started talking to this boy named Michael since I was in 7th grade & he was in 9th.. All was good we went talking off & on, he was so in love with me but we had never officially met in person so I was kind of iffy & kinda pushed him away.. Years pasted by & once I started high school he was a junior of course & me & him started to get close again.. But the times we hadn’t talked he had got a girlfriend & they had been together for 9 months.. & I was sure he was in love […]

I just feel so done lately, done with everything and everyone.I get in my car to drive somewhere and I just want to take my hands off the wheel. The thought of growing up absolutely terrifies me. I feel so depressed, and I want to go to the doctor, really I do but she told my parents last time and I would literally quit if they found out. I’m just such a private person, I don’t like big groups or other people. I absolutely detest with a fiery passion being told what to do or being mocked for being “grumpy”. I’m overweight, so overweight and […]

It’s hard to imagine after a month of this calm, now that the time has come, I can feel so afraid. Standing at the edge like this, I get it. My suicide is not impulsive. It has been carefully planned. A promise to myself I’ve been making for a year. I will be gone by June. The time has come. I’m in my last week and staring death in the face, I feel this anxiety. But then I think of living, just one extra day past my promise, and the panic is just as great. The guilt, oh the guilt. I’m so sorry for them. […]

This is my depression story. The following is a shortened version of my journals. I was 13 years old when I wrote them.

Journal 2013
On march 2, 2013 I decided to “get better” I don’t know hep else to put it xD
on March 3rd, 2013 I told my mum about the (kinda) cutting but not the suicidal thoughts
4th of March: “I am not happy nor sad right now, I feel almost detached from everything” “I am happy for Nicole (she was my best friend in 7-8th grade) but it feels like everyone is moving on while I’m left behind…I feel invisible, a […]

All i remember from my childhood is fighting. There was so much hatred in my family…in elementary school my parents got so bad i was scared i’d come home and my dad would be dead. He used to threaten it all the time. I remember things getting broken and walls being punched along with windows. My mom would constantly take me and my siblings away and threaten to not come back we’d stay at her best friends house but i began to get absolutely sick of it in 6th grade my parents were arguing so bad my dad walked to my brothers elementary school and […]

Its hard when you don’t really have anyone to turn to, it can be a lonely existence

Over the last year, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when I’m around the people in my life, because I know they are no longer interested in what I have to say, or how messed up I feel, but I guess I can’t blame them, but the one thing that makes me angry is when they say ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘I’ve been through the same thing’ its not a competition but if each person suffered the same, one treatment would work for everyone

Lately I’ve formed […]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy0NySCmuFU

I don’t really like songs about suicide (even though I’m depressed) but this song is amazing.

I also like playing Beethoven on my Piano also when I’m down.

What type of songs do you guys listen to when you’re down?

I wish I could feel. To be alive.
To sense the wind, the breeze, the air.
A breath of fresh air, to finally be one with the cool of life.
To feel, even my own skin. My mind, without boundaries.
To simply be. To simply be…

I am not alive, the essence of life stripped from me.
Zen. To simply be. Please, the portal of air.
Zen. To simply be. The ultimate zenith.
Breathing between living and dying. Ultimate obstruction and suffering.
Time. Transmuted forever, the supreme giver of salvation.

But I cannot breathe. Please, help me.
The so-called Beggar. The feathers. The staff. And my white […]

There are suicidal people who have mental illness, but in my opinion, wanting to take one’s own life is not a mental illness, nor is it necessarily indicative or symptomatic of one.  Rather, it is likely a spiritual condition residing at a far point on a spectrum. 30 years ago suicide was as taboo a subject as divorce. Today it is a sign of an imbalance of brain chemistry. 30 years from now it will be regarded as I posted here. Just a guess.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. First I woke up and didn’t feel myself, and since then my mood’s been up and down throughout the day. I’ve been going from happy to angry to upset, and it’s the stupidest, littlest things causing it – sometimes nothing has happened and my mood changes. It’s been like this more recently; more evident and severe within the past 8 to 9 months. My 5 year old brother and even my stepdad flinch whenever I raise my hand for anything because they know I can fly off the handle at any time.

Just earlier today I […]