May 11th, the day I lost someone very dear to me. 8 years ago. That’s the day I will say goodbye. That’s the day that nothing will matter. If I’m lucky, I’ll die and I’ll finally get a break from this mean cycle. The day before my first exam. Finally a way to escape. I just need to figure out how to do it. I could poison myself, slash my wrists, hang myself, but I’ve always been more open to jumping. It would be like facing my fear of heights with my last breath. I could jump off the bridge, my school, or even in […]
25 years of life and I can honestly say that I am a disappointment not only to myself but to everyone around me.
Im always forgetting to do something, which makes people mad. I cant help that I have a bad memory, But no one honestly cares. All they see is that I let them down.
I am constantly being told I don’t do enough, I don’t try hard enough. Im a lazy fuck according to everyone.
I don’t work enough. I need to work more.
More….More…. Nothing is ever enough
no matter how hard I try, Im always letting someone down.
I wake up in the morning wondering what Im […]
I need someone to talk too; does anyone mind emailing?
Not going to lie.. It’s been a strange, strange week… So I guess I’ll start with a little back-story.
I’ve always found it difficult to make friends because.. well before they’re friends, they’re strangers. And I can’t speak to strangers. It’s just always been a thing with me… I know what you’re thinking. Just another awkward teen… But that’s the thing. I’m awkward with my friends…  Strangers are just downright unbearable. Just the mere thought of talking to someone I don’t know can send me spiralling into a major panic attack. I can’t order food, taxis, return broken items because I’m afraid that I’ll have to explain […]
When you cant seem to sleep at night,
because the stress is just eating at your mind.
And you know, that this body of yours has taken such a toll.
I can no longer tell the difference of what is just in my mind and what’s reality.
Whether it’s from the drugs, alcohol, or lack of sleep,
I’m just 2 parts broken and 3 parts fucked up.
But I really wish they knew.
I wish they knew how I deal with it all.
And if they knew my last resort was the sharp point of my paintbrush.
If they knew I painted delicate lines on the […]
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I had a birthstar reading done for me and apparently for 17 years, 17 fucking painful, disappointing, abusive, heart wrenching, miserable years of struggle. I have been and am still going through the effects of a bad planet. So from the age 4 to 31 my life was destined to be bad. I pay money that I dont even have to get prayers and rituals done for me but I dont feel any better, just scared and full of anxiety. All I am told to do is pray and chant, but I dont feel any better. I must […]
I’ve found self-confidence through the military, but the depression is getting to me. I need to get out of the army, last 3 more weeks, but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling down. I need to go home, the sergeant hates me now. He thinks I’m an idiot and I’m messing up because I can’t handle the stress. I don’t want to tell him because I’ll be stuck here longer. I just need to wait it out and get home safely.
Well, up until summer of ’11, everything was going alright. Yes, I was still your average 6th grader. Bullied and all. But, my parents were also dealing with divorce. Their fighting kept me up at night. Which, eventually started my cutting habits. After their papers were signed and our house was sold, everything got worse. My dad ended up being obsessed with my mom. She bought a house and he would drive past it everyday. He’d go to her work and sit in the parking lot. Â He would text and call her non-stop. Well, my mom got a boyfriend which caused my dad to eventually […]
I’m so sick of you trying to fix me, i don’t need your help and i don’t want it. You doesn’t understand how much i already fucking hate myself and how i hate every single thing i do, how i act, look, speak, everything. AND YET you still fucking point out every little fucking imperfection. “stop laying down on your bed and using your laptop” “do something productive” “clean your room” “read a book” ” how are you going to get honour if you don’t work your ass off even though you’re just in grade 9 and nothing matters, but still work your ass of […]
… who ever wrote this under. it’s wicked truth. what to say…
I tried to tell
They don’t listen
I tried to yell
They kept me prisoned
Everyday
I wake up the same
Open both eyes to see if I’m still afraid
Waiting to just go away
I keep living
Pretending everything’s okay
Every night
I go to bed the same
Squeeze both eyes
as they pour out all my pain
Am I going insane?
Until that moment
That my body can’t bear the pain
And I just fall asleep to stay sane
And then one day
I never got the night
To pour out all my pain
the cuts on my body did the same
As it took my […]
Do you know this girl we love,
With all our heart and care.
It’s really not her problem,
I tell you, this is so unfair.
The numbers are quite shocking,
One in four they say
Will suffer from depression
In their lives one day.
There’s not much life in this girl anymore
Because of this serious mental flaw.
But no one knows when it will strike,
It’s just the luck of the draw.
She would not choose to live with it,
Sometimes not even try.
I see this little girl suffering
And all she can do is cry.
Some people turn the other cheek,
They’ve been doing it for […]
I stare up from my casket where they lay me to rest
I watch my family as they place roses on my chest
In a blurred second i experienced all the joy they gave to me
I do regret the rest of their lives that I won’t get to see
Please friends and family, dry all your tears
I will always be with you, so please have no fears
I hear them say how they never saw it comin’
how I was so happy,and they wish they could’ve done somethin’
I still remember all the pain I had inside
all the hopelessness, sadness, and anger […]
I am sick of reading about promising outlooks for treatment.  I have been suffering from MDD/ TRD for too long. I’ve been on multiple combinations of meds for too many years nothing…..at least 40 different meds. I have had 19 ECT treatments ( with a lot of memory issues).  I’m sick of people not understanding.  I’m sick of running to appts.  Therapy….behavioral therapy…..psychiatrist….  Not to mention all of the rest.  I’m sick of fighting, crying, anger.  I just want my life over!  So many positive thing out there for help when I’m reading literature. Or trials so far away some simple person couldn’t even […]
I’m still alive and I do good things, Help people, I donate time and money to good causes, I have a part time job. I want to be finished. Why cant I be happy or content. I’m still alive this is weird. Its gotta be almost my time to go.
It’s 3 in the morning, and I’m not doing anything except listening to music because everything else is so boring, so pointless.
The things that I used to enjoy becomes so mundane.
I’m so scared taking of my headphones and go to sleep.
I’m afraid the silence will be deafening.
school starts tomorrow again.
nothing to look forward to there. friends who don’t care about me. teachers who dont try to help me but simply try find every way to get me kicked out. I’m fighting for my education. failing computer class. that’s only the beginning of it. my boyfriend left me. because he doesnt wanna deal with my bullshit anymore. can I blame him? I’m suicidal, I’ve got hundreds of cuts on my arms, legs, stomach. My family disowned me. I’m only 16. last week I went to jail for beating a girl up. a girl who deserved it but I hit her first. now […]
I feel better today than I did last night or the day before yesterday. I guess all of they crying cleansed me in a way. I do not cry for myself, I have been able to overcome my MDD, ADD, and BPD and make a pretty good life for myself. As many of you know, I am not suicidal, I guess you could say I am here to save the world. I understand that some people become angry with people like me and for that I am very sorry.
No, I do not cry for myself, I cry for my son, I cry for the […]