http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwrm8UK1VIk

Now you do.

I began having severe depression at 12 years old due to achieving an erection everytime I stood up. That lasted for 8 years til I was 20. Depression worsened after 2 years and when I was 14 I started having suicidal thoughts but I kept them to myself.  I had so many suicidal thoughts over the next decade, it has to total in the 100,000s.  I dropped out of high school due to having no energy to continue.

I went to college many years later. I had constant suicidal thoughts, every building I saw I saw myself jumping off of. Sometimes with myself set on fire. […]

I feel betrayed and alone. I had a very close relationship (or so I thought) with my Higher Power. But, so much is wrong right now that is totally out of my control – my body is falling apart, all my friends are either gone or more than 1 days drive away, and I am so fucking tired and cold all of the time. I can’t remember a time since my ritual abuse (when I was a child) that I’ve felt this horrible. I used to say I had a problem with depression, but I didn’t. That was not depression. THIS is.

I have done everything […]

She sings a song from the start,
Lalala comes from the heart.

The pain and sorrow will not leave,
and she will not be able to believe.

She sits alone under a tree,
where no one can hear her misbelieve.

She hopes there is a reason for all,
as she slowly begins to fall.

As she falls the end will start,
Lalala leaves from the heart.

I’m here, they’re here.
Where am I?

Invisible, alone.
Not heard, not seen, I don’t excist.

Quiet, all by myself.
Useless, can’t be heard.

Sad, angry, unimportant.
That’s what I am.

Lonely, can’t breathe.
Alone, without help.

Lost, never to be found.
In a place that never excisted.

Wow. I almost forgot what it was like to be alone. I forgot how gut-wrenchingly horrifying it is. How it eats you from the inside out. boyfriend hast talked to me in over two weeks. We see each other all the time, and I try to talk to him, but it’s like we don’t know how anymore. I’m not going to be able to keep this up. All of my friends have been getting mad at me because I fuck things up all the time. My best friend though, is still there. She’d never leave…right? My only other actual friend is a guy in my […]

So i know i posted something but heres something else.

If you ever need someone ill be here. Ill help you through anything. You just have to leave a comment and ill give you any kind of advice you need. Ill help no matter what. Ive gone through family abuse verbally mentally and physically. Ive gone through bullying still am. Ive gone through abusive relationships. Ive gone trough drug abuse and drinking. Ive gone through losing friends from suicide and getting killed in front of me by other people. Ive lost family from suicide. Ive gone almost everything and im only 16 others start early or […]

I honestly belive I am horrible person. I sometimes think about death, and wanting to kill myself, but not very seriously, so I wouldn’t consider myself suicidal. Still, I need to talk to someone because I would never tell my family or friends any of this, so obviously I have turned to the web to vent. I honestly think I ruin everything. Everything I do wether it’s little or small, I always manage to screw up. I feel like everything’s my fault. I keep trying and trying but still I feel like everything is just not turning out. And honestly I am tired of screwing […]

My dad and I had an argument last night… He might split me and my girlfriend… He said he’s gonna find me counselling for my suicide… If I lose her, I’m gonna need more than counselling and to stop me.

just gonna wait and see for now and while i’m at it i’ll “work” a bit

i need someone to shut my brain
and turn on my heart

First of all, since this is my first post, I would like to thank the dear reader for its time reading this at all!
First about me…I am 20 years old, and attend university where I study engineering. Relationships never worked out for me. Long distance was the one that really lasted more than a year. Anyhow, I do not want to talk about my break up or anything like that. It is not relevant.

What I would like to talk about are opportunities. What are you doing with your life? Why are you still here? What makes you keep going?

You are in the middle of […]

Short-drop suspension is the way to go. Slip knot on the rope to tie it around my neck…That works fine.

…But I’m not sure how to tie the other end to something. What you guys think? How can you do that?

I just can’t do this. I keep trying and trying to just BEAR IT but I can’t.

I can’t bear it. Is this really what’s going to finish me off? THIS is going to be the reason my life ends? Over someone who doesn’t love me? That is one of the stupidest, most childish and facile things I have ever heard and yet it’s my life, it’s happening to me, I never thought in all these years struggling to stay alive with my disorder, praying sometimes I’d wake up in the morning, the loneliness, the money, jobs and time (so much time) all lost, the defeats […]

I’ve been commenting on a lot of you guys’ posts, and I feel like I haven’t really told my story on here. Trigger Warning: Some of the things might trigger self-harmful behavior, so please read with caution…As I begin this, I am sitting on a pile of pillows I’ve been using for a bed, drinking tea, and I’m about to light a smoke.

I grew up in Central California from 1996 (my birthyear) and moved in the summer of 2004. My parents had met when they were twelve, and stayed together until they were in their early twenties. I was about three when, out of the […]

all i want to do now is hurt myself more
or maybe just kill myself now
because i have done it and its bad
i dont know anything anymore
i dont know how to feel anymore
but at the same time i feel this great pain
and i dont know how to make it go away
i just want it to all stop but it cant
so maybe i will just hurt myself more
ill just keep making myself bleed
until one day i take it too far and bleed to my death
then maybe the pain will go away
who knows.

How can one person feel so much pain?  Why is it that others can be at peace, but some of us are afflicted with this never-ending turmoil? All I feel for all these decades is pain, so much pain.  When will the pain and suffering end??

I last posted in February, and I haven’t really been active since then, just trying to get better I suppose. In my previous post, I shared with you all about my suicide attempt with bleach. It was a terrible decision on my part and I regret it deeply now. Looking at all the pain it caused for the ones I loved, it was honestly one of the worse things I have done.

But now I am getting better. I had posted before about how I was losing my emotions and how I couldn’t cry anymore. Now I can shed tears, which I have now […]

So I’m not ready to die yet, but I don’t feel much like dealing with life all the time. I just want to sleep all my free time away. I hate weekends, too much time to think. But my sleep cycle is completely normal, sadly (haha).
So I’ve been thinking of taking sleep aids to just force myself to sleep all day. I just want to eat and go back to bed on days I don’t have work or school. Breaks are unbearable… Somedays I can see friends, but not always, and being by myself just makes me think too much and I can’t stop […]

I’m not for sure how I want to go. I really want to just die and the only way I can do it right now is cutting too deep and I’m scared that I won’t cut deep enough and I will just have big cuts on my arms. I either don’t want them there or I do but I would rather be dead, ya know? Like I don’t want anyone to find out that I tried to kill myself. Anyway I’ve looked for sleeping pills but I can’t find any. All I can find are 4 bottles of freaking ibuprofen. I really just want to […]