i feel so lost and confused.. i don’t know what to do?? everywhere i turn there is problem after problem!! i can’t do anything right.. wish i was dead..wish i had the guts to kill myself the way my life is goin may be that will come soon

my mother died last year. she had cancer. now l am all alone. l have nobody and no one cares. l don’t live in the present. l have no future. l have no quality of life. l am just existing. l have a bunch of sleeping pills and am ready to take them. l hate my life and wish to be dead.

I have never attempted suicide before and probably will never do that in the future, although I am suicidal. The depressing thought cannot get out of my head. Only watching people who are also suicidal can make me feel much better, because I tend to dispassionately analyze their feelings and so I become an observer rather than a sufferer.

There’s no point to live, but there’s no point to die either, from my perspective. That’s why I’m still alive. There’s no point to do anything. Suicide is such a luxury, an aggregation of  courage, ego, curiosity, perseverance, nonchalance about collective unconsciousness, motivation, liberation, freedom of self-expression, […]

Seriously – if there was something to look forward to that made enduring the pain of bending my hips, back and knees to put my clothes on before work worth enduring but there isn’t.
If I was only just a little comfortable in my own skin so I felt like I deserved to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day to soothe me and hold me again but I don’t.
If I could rest, I mean really rest when I sleep instead of tossing and turning all night long trying to stay one step ahead of the pain and waking to […]

Yup, new poem.

Bit of a change of pace for me. Don’t know if I love it but maybe it’s something I can build on. Less depression-centric but hopefully people here might still relate.

Don’t You Remember

Don’t you remember when the furthest edge of the earth was the corner of your street?
When we hated the street lights because they signified that it was time to go inside?
When Sundays seemed to last a life-time and we despised the rain because it meant we couldn’t go outside to play?
How something as simple as a cardboard box could entertain for hours?
It wasn’t just utilitarian, it was […]

It is 11:21 pm where I am. I know we’re all scattered all over the place so we don’t have the same time zones but…

Goodnight to those about to sleep or sleeping. I hope you all have wonderful dreams and if reality is not good, that your dreams take you as far from it. Sleep well too. I hope tomorrow would offer something better for you.

Good day to the others wide awake. I hope you get by your school, work, etc. alright. Be careful and similarly, I hope that today would have something good in store for you.

Those might be lame or annoying but I […]

So I ruined it again….

I was doing so well….

Over a month without one single razor blade piercing my skin and tonight, out of all the nights, I started again.

I really wish this would just end.

I know it helps me feel better, but this is ridiculous.

This wasn’t your average cut either.

I carved a word into my leg…

And now it will most likely scar and be on my body for the rest of my life.

Good one.

I applaud you…NOT!

When you’ve thought about suicide and have started to make decisions on little details, some aspects are kind of thought provoking.

I’m kind of torn on whether to exit during the day or night. Both have an appeal. I suppose night time due to the correlation of darkness and sleeping. I also like how not many people are up and about at night.

I do know that different times of the day reveal different moods. Guess I’ll figure it out soon enough.

One day in the middle of class

while everyone was working,

my eyes filled with tears

because I knew

they were thinking about

their work

or friends

or after school

but all I could think of

was how much I’d rather

be at the top of a building

about to jump

So which one would you request for yourself?

So I don’t seem to get sleep at night at all… is anyone the same? If so maybe we can talk on here because I never have anyone to talk to at night and that’s half of what’s causing my loneliness ):

Oh dear mirror must you show me the true things?

Can’t you once show me falsnesses among myself?

Can’t I once look at you in hopes of riches and diamond rings?

And not just see my poor background and bathroom shelf?

Do you have to show me my insecurities and weaknesses when I look upon your shiny display?

Will you ever show me what I would like to see?

Or through my eyes will you always show me my rot and decay?

No! I refuse to look into you!

No! I refuse to take orders from mere glass!

No! I refuse to think this is all that will come of this….

There has to me […]

So  you try to talk to someone and they just look at you like you’re weird.  Does this happen to anyone else?  Jeez   I don’t even know what to do. sighh.

Contemplated suicide today

Yet nobody cared

Contemplated taking my life away

yet nobody cared

Even stepped forward and told someone

yet nobody cared

Even took a bath to see if anyone would get worried about me and come

yet nobody cared

So I sat in the water for about an hour

yet nobody cared

I prayed for forgiveness from the almighty power

yet nobody (on earth) cared

I got the strength to get up out of the bath

yet nobody cared

And stumble out to the living room in wrath

yet nobody cared

the only person who could check on me was asleep

he didn’t care

all I could do is sit there and weep

yet nobody cared

They wouldn’t have found me until in […]

I want to feel something again.

You’d think I’d like feeling numb to this world, but I don’t.

Not feeling makes it hard to know if I’m alive or not.

I want to feel the pain, to know I’m living.

When I’m numb, well I might as well be dead.

I just want to feel again.

When I take that blade to my wrist

no one in the world exists.

And when when I think about it, cause I do

I truly do not think of you.

So why be sad or disappointed

when your not the one that I anointed.

So why care ? Cause you do

but why care?  I wouldn’t if I were you.

She’s 13

and can already

tell you everything about

self destruction.

She can tell you how

to dress fresh cuts

in the dark with

makeshift bandages.

And which foods are easy

to throw up.

She knows a thousand

excuses,”I already ate”

“I’m just cold” , “the cat did it”

She learned to hold

all her feelings inside

until late at night

and cover her mouth

with her hand

so no one hears her.

She […]

I ask myself this question more often then others.

Why am I fucked up like this?

Why did I change from the old me?

Why do I hate myself?

I can’t answer all those questions maybe not even one, but I do know that

I feel this way and I think this is how others view me because this is how I see myself.

The girl who fucks up, the broken one.

I’m not a person I’m an element of the universe.

I just so happened to be picked to live the life I lived cause I know nobody could live it as bad as I do.

I ask myself ‘Why’ because I know […]

When I tell myself, “you can do it”

a part of me whispers “you can’t”.

When I tell myself to “Try Again”,

a part of me whispers “Give Up”

When i tell myself “There’s a better tomorrow “,

a part of me whispers “That was supposed to be yesterday”.

When I tell my self “I’m done”

a part of me whispers “Finally”