The Anger came back. It feels like poison. It takes everything out of me and to compensate, I take it out on everyone and everything around me. I wish I didn’t I feel sorry after I do. But it just doesn’t seem to go away. It’s a punishment. I can’t sleep at night. I drink so I won’t dream. I have such an overwhelming guilt. I wish I could go back… Not to change the outcome. I don’t think anyone can cheat death. When it’s your turn. It’s your turn. I just wish I could have gone back. Not left her alone. I wish anyone, […]

Does anyone else ever put themselves in risky situations in hopes that they might be killed? Like walking at night hoping to get ran over or stabbed, or going hiking in an unknown area and you’re inexperienced, driving in bad weather, or do some extreme sport or activity. Anything that puts you at risk, because you feel like it would be better to get in an “accident” instead of committing suicide, which has so much stigma attached to it.

I do this, I find myself not caring if something happens to me. A lot of times I hope something happens to me.

I go to sleep to escape this miserable reality, knowing damn well that I will wake up in the morning with a panic attack, resulting in a substantially worse reality than the one I escaped in the first place. After spending a painful day in this miserable world recovering from the panic attack, and very possibly not getting any work done, resulting in more anxiety, I go to sleep again to escape, et cetera.

Non existence is a perfect state, where such concerns do not exist, and nothing is known of them. Not even the idea of knowing, or the idea of an idea, is known, […]

I’m bored. And that’s bad. There’s a blade in my room, but I’m not even sure I’m ok enough to try to move it away. I think I’ll just leave it where it is. Another thing, even after actually getting a full night’s sleep, I’m still hearing someone call my name, and no one’s around me.

Every night I go to sleep hoping to not wake up in the morning. Suicidal thoughts cloud my head from the moment I wake up to the moment I go back to sleep. With perfect grades, my chances of securing decent employment are horrendous because my personality is incompatible with the corporate world. Now my grades are sinking because of the incessant mental pain. Chained to this accursed existence by mental slavery, I pray for an accident or terminal illness to kill me. It’s fruitless, of course, because a good god isn’t there. If god is evil, then I am doomed to suffer for all […]

i want to scream, but not really. i hang my head down in defeat.

Depression is an illness and so is bipolar but life is a disease for which there is no cure. I’m sick of these fuken feel good therapists- they live inside a bubble that they wont break out of fear,and have permanent rose coloured glasses on-maybe ignorance is bliss- if it doesn’t penetrate the mind then it doesn’t matter . What about them god lovers they live in their own worlds too if something goes wrong they see it as a lesson from god and praise and are delighted by this! Nothing makes sense anymore -and nothing really matters!! No one can see behind the masks that […]

I hate my life. And I would like to end it. I always wanted to wait until I finished writing my memoir. But I realized that all I need to do is leave a detailed note.

i don’t know why i keep feeling like this, but i just wish i could die. i just wish i never had to live another day.

im sick. and tired. of walking around in this repetitive, meaningless world.

and i just don’t know how much longer i can do this.

if someone wants to talk, you can skype me.

I mean, if you wanna test this then go to google and type in “life gets more boring as we get older,” and you’ll see the never ending train of geriatrics coming on talking about “well life is getting better for me.” In old age, either, you’re health goes or you become a slave to keeping it up. The older you get, the less physically active you can be anymore. You can’t eat what you want anymore, stay up as long as you want anymore, catch a buzz anymore, you may not even be able to fucking get laid anymore. Sure, if you can afford […]

hello everyone

i have quit public high school, i am now being home schooled.

i am already regretting everything. on the bus i have realized that most of the time i will be alone now, with all of my thoughts.

i think that i should just kill myself already

everything is so stressful and my mom and dad drink everynight and i feel like cutting again.

i think i am going to have a break down AGAIN  but.. iknow if i do i am positive my mom will send me to the hospital, she almost did last time.

i just want to die.

i want to be killed.

Yup, that’s my life.

And let’s not forget miserable.

🙁

I’m sitting here looking out this window, watching the world pass by. I see people driving by, working, laughing and holding hands the truth is I feel nothing but emptiness. I feel alone, I feel like a failure, like a nobody. The fucked up part is that I’m staring out this window thinking of you and wondering if I even slightly cross your mind. But I know you aren’t your thinking of yourself, and me I’m thinking of how I failed you. I can’t save you and it’s killing me, I want to die because I’m worthless. It’s over for me because I couldn’t do […]

I keep dealing with difficult situation after difficult situation in life. And now, I am so used to turing my thoughts over to suicide, that it does this, automatically. That sort of “process addiction,” as it is known. But, I canot help it cus it gives me a sense of relief to know tht. Not only does having these types of thoughts make me feel as though I can have some kind of control in my messed up situations and life, but that I no longer will have to suffer. Just one problem… I don’t want to stop enjoying life, itself, […]

I’m new to this but things are getting bad at the moment so I thought I would use all the help I can get. If anyone’s reading this I’ll give you a bit of information about me…

I dont tell tell anyone about my problems anymore, I tried to tell my mum and she got so angry, I felt like I was burdening my friends by telling them and they all thought I was crazy.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore I’m only 14 and I’m expected to have planned  my life out already! One thing I do know is that I need […]

I’ve never really understood the notion that you are allowed to have control over every aspect of your life, except for when it ends. It seems really unfair to force someone to exist when they clearly don’t want to. Personally I don’t think life is for everyone, and that going to such strong efforts to talk someone out of it is often only done because they don’t want to experience grief over the person, or that they would miss them. In my experience of family or friends trying to talk me out of it, their reasoning was never in my best interest, but in theirs. […]

okay well. not to long ago i got raped.
after that day and that day and so forth. people think im taking it well. cuz i dont show affection.
well i do.
in my head i do. im always playing back of what has happened. and it always come put in my head when i dont try to think about it.
one night i just cried. but i hold it in.
i cant take the things back. no one understands. my bf. i cant even talk to him about it. he gets mad and just doesnt wanna listen. and i understand but i need to […]

Has anyone considered ending it in a foreign country? This is different from the infamous suicide tourism, which is actually euthanasia & involves paying someone a big sum to legally kill you.

Of all the final destinations on my bucket list, I have been thinking of :

Hanging in a hotel overlooking Eiffel tower
Jumping into Berlin river
Jumping into the river dividing Budapest
Jumping onto NYC subway

Or any of the above methods in Moscow.
There is the Moscow Metro, a number of rivers, and certainly plenty of plush hotel rooms. For a long time I have had this obsession with Russian culture.

I believe that if and […]