Hello everyone, I’m back again. This time I couldn’t make it to the imagenary two week line, rather I crashed down hard yesterday after I came home from the University and needless to say the thoughts were back once more stronger than ever. I’m not willing to give up but I feel like a vent is in order and who knows maybe it’ll give you people a small crumb in getting forward.

So how did it start this time? I suppose the first surfacing of the emotion of not wanting to be on this planet, in these shoes or life came the last Saturday. I felt […]

I’m looking for people to talk to.

I’m twenty-one year old guy from the UK. I have anxiety, I get depressed, and I have suicidal thoughts. I use to self-harm but haven’t for ages. I also think I might have a personality and body dysmorphic disorder. I’ll be seeing a psychologist this Thursday…. at last.

I don’t usually talk depressingly with others,  but I am more than willing to lend an ear if you wish to chat about things that are bothering you.  It would be nice to also talk about things in general though.

I like outdoor activities, but I don’t get out much to do them. […]

Is there a differance? Ya there is ..Love is forever. Lust is just being stuck in what you dreamed about. —-FANTASTIC FANTASY …..THATS TO DIE FOR. BUT THE JEALOUS. FRIEND ALWAYS SCREWS IT UP….THANKS ALOT …..must be. N.I.c.e. having that power over someone. Thanks Devyn that makes 2 girls you did me wrong with.

I’m so tired, i cant take it anymore, i thought i was getting better even the thoughts had left my head, then they just came crashing back and now it’s just like it was before. I cant tell my family, they thought i was getting better how can i tell them it was just an act. that i still feel the crushing loneliness, the hatred inside. How do i survive? I don’t have anyone, nobody seems to care  and the ones i thought did care, just turn their backs on me. I just want someone to look at me and tell im not alone. But […]

I’m hearing things. People who aren’t there. The things they say are true, and they point out things. Things I didn’t notice.

I have no one I can talk to who understands how I feel.  Even family members can’t be trusted that much any more.  I feel like I’m slowly going mad.

I stare into space for ages unable to move, just wanting to hide, but no where to run to.

I’ve felt like this for years and years.  I have ‘I’m weak please kick me’ mentally stuck on my forehead or back somewhere and there are some kind people who won’t take advantage.  But I start to question myself again – am I taking advantage of them in some way too?  Am I subconsciously testing people to work […]

am i the only one who felt worse once someone told me i had severe depression?
am i the only one who stays up late thinking because sleeping will mean its closer in waking up?

i know a lot of people are feeling how i am, or worse, i just cant stop crying or feeling the way i do. i wont to change, i want to be reborn so i can take away these scares that i’ve been told im weak over. i want to start over, new body, new everything. i want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

i was caught cheating in school (actually the teacher saw the writings on my hand after the test) and never have i gotten into so much trouble. I told my parents in advance about the thing and they were so disappointed. i know all of these is my fault and my reasons will never be valid.

i just wish the guilt will go away. i have been back to feeling depressed again because its been hell for me lately. its the end of the school year and they’re just dumping schoolwork on us like there’s no tomorrow. then i got caught cheating and i feel worse. […]

Today  I started cutting again (well actually last night). Its like I needed the pain again. Also I’ve researched about suicide methods. I really can’t handle what life requires me to do.

School sucks and I did something horrible that’s probably never gonna get fixed. Even though theres like 10 days left of school I really want it to be over. Maybe its just not for me. I hate being pressured to be something perfect

Well, turns out that I never got around to killing myself. There always seems to be something that stops me for a good day or two before the thoughts seem to flood back.

In the mean time, I feel like a horrible person because whenever I am honest to a mutual friend they turn their offense around on me and make me feel bad about myself. I know this isn’t fair, I know that I shouldn’t bother or care yet all I feel inside is that I am a bad person who makes other people angry, a problem – it’s one of my reasons to die.

The blade gleams in the moonlight
A drop of cursed blood spilt at night
On to the dirt and the mud where it feels right
And tears from an empty husk mix with the blood and mud at dusk

The thoughts flow like water, getting caught in the rapids of this martyr
One less life to plague the earth
From ashes to ashes and from dirt to dirt
Perhaps one day someone will learn

The call of a thousand muffled voices
He can’t tell the difference between the memories and the ghosts toying with him
He can’t hear reality’s call, so subtle and soft in […]

I had to write a sestina for English, and I feel like a lot of people here can relate to it, so please don’t judge me too harshly. I can’t pretend to be a poet, but still I feel the need to share this.

I woke up, dry mouth
Coughing, sputtering, the light
From the sun burning my eyes
The taste of the drink
from my stupor last night
I stumbled forward, and opened the door

I walked forward, passing through each door
A bad taste in my mouth
Reminding me of my life at night
Devoid of all the good, all the light
The […]

I hate it when people assume I want to die because my boyfriend broke up with me or some sh*t. That’s not the f***ing reason! If that were the only thing in my life, I wouldn’t want so desperately to get out of it. You don’t know what I have been through..
I was raped by my step-brother, who I lived with for almost 2 years after the incident because I didn’t tell anyone.
My boyfriend proposed, then went back to Japan and killed himself. He had more problems than I.
I live with a racist, sexist, homophobic, religious family, and I’m Wiccan and bisexual, […]

The Anger came back. It feels like poison. It takes everything out of me and to compensate, I take it out on everyone and everything around me. I wish I didn’t I feel sorry after I do. But it just doesn’t seem to go away. It’s a punishment. I can’t sleep at night. I drink so I won’t dream. I have such an overwhelming guilt. I wish I could go back… Not to change the outcome. I don’t think anyone can cheat death. When it’s your turn. It’s your turn. I just wish I could have gone back. Not left her alone. I wish anyone, […]

Does anyone else ever put themselves in risky situations in hopes that they might be killed? Like walking at night hoping to get ran over or stabbed, or going hiking in an unknown area and you’re inexperienced, driving in bad weather, or do some extreme sport or activity. Anything that puts you at risk, because you feel like it would be better to get in an “accident” instead of committing suicide, which has so much stigma attached to it.

I do this, I find myself not caring if something happens to me. A lot of times I hope something happens to me.

I go to sleep to escape this miserable reality, knowing damn well that I will wake up in the morning with a panic attack, resulting in a substantially worse reality than the one I escaped in the first place. After spending a painful day in this miserable world recovering from the panic attack, and very possibly not getting any work done, resulting in more anxiety, I go to sleep again to escape, et cetera.

Non existence is a perfect state, where such concerns do not exist, and nothing is known of them. Not even the idea of knowing, or the idea of an idea, is known, […]

I’m bored. And that’s bad. There’s a blade in my room, but I’m not even sure I’m ok enough to try to move it away. I think I’ll just leave it where it is. Another thing, even after actually getting a full night’s sleep, I’m still hearing someone call my name, and no one’s around me.

Every night I go to sleep hoping to not wake up in the morning. Suicidal thoughts cloud my head from the moment I wake up to the moment I go back to sleep. With perfect grades, my chances of securing decent employment are horrendous because my personality is incompatible with the corporate world. Now my grades are sinking because of the incessant mental pain. Chained to this accursed existence by mental slavery, I pray for an accident or terminal illness to kill me. It’s fruitless, of course, because a good god isn’t there. If god is evil, then I am doomed to suffer for all […]