Hello everyone, I’m back again. This time I couldn’t make it to the imagenary two week line, rather I crashed down hard yesterday after I came home from the University and needless to say the thoughts were back once more stronger than ever. I’m not willing to give up but I feel like a vent is in order and who knows maybe it’ll give you people a small crumb in getting forward.
So how did it start this time? I suppose the first surfacing of the emotion of not wanting to be on this planet, in these shoes or life came the last Saturday. I felt a serious anxiety and didn’t do anything for the whole day. In the Sunday evening I realized how badly I was lacking in my work assignments and started doing a bit off stuff. But it wasn’t long until I was interrupted and didn’t continue until much later. Allmost midnight actually and nothing really got done. And then it hit me. The bloody monday, devourer of hopes and dreams. I did my day at the university, realised that several projects were really lagging behind and the deadlines were approaching. Came back and figured I’d get it all out of my head and write it on post it notes place them on my computer screen and start removing them one by one as tasks would be completed. Hah well. I wrote them alright and started working, got three out of the picture yesterday before I just crashed. I don’t know where it came or why but everything about my mood just collapsed like someone blew up all the supports or something. My mood turned into a volatile mix of anger, loathing, depression, anxiety and hopelessness. At that point I just dropped what I was doing, took an mp3 player my coat, boots and keys, then I just ran. Something I haven’t done in ages but I did yesterday and my oh my how much I ran. It wasn’t a few hundred feet, nor was it a mile no rather it was miles. My feet hurt my muscles screamed at me and my lungs burned. I didn’t care. It just gave me a bried exit and some room. Eventually my run took me to the local dam I was on the verge of passing out and throwing up by the time I stopped onto that dam and leaned to the railing. There I stood, recuperating. I must’ve gazed over the lake for an hour atleast. Most of the time I tried to empty my head and resist the urge to just leap over the railing, through the ice coating and into the freezing cold water. It would’ve been over in minutes… But I didn’t.
Today I survived my Uni stuff like I always do, then came back, added two more post-it notes to the stack, worked through one. Got stuck on the second one for hours till I was exhausted and decided to call it a day. Now I’m just so damn tired. Despite all the effort everything feels so pointless. And these emotional crashes just don’t stop. At first I wanted to blame my parents, be the victim. Now I’m not sure where the origin of my inability to successfully integrate into daily life without a drama lashback even lies. And there is the issue of my pc monitor having multicolored post-it notes all around it like fucking flower petals.
We will see what shade of grey the next day is, but fuck me if I won’t make it through. There has to be a respite, reward and happiness somewhere out here. In the mean time I’m going to listen through that Within Temptation – Paradise track once more.
Down but not out,
Tommi
2 comments
Keep it hanging bro. 🙂
Sometimes that’s all you can do, try and get some space, run when in reality you can’t run from anything. And the music, well, it’ll either chill you out or fuel the breakdown. It’s crazy how strong all your emotions, feelings and thoughts can be with music constantly playing in your ears, isn’t it?
Good luck working through the stress and the pressures, my friend. I’m sure you’ll feel better when your monitor has a few less petals. Like you said, there’s gotta be happiness out there somewhere right?