I miss how I used to be.

I never really liked myself before, but at least I was happy. At least I didn’t feel empty inside. At least I felt like somebody important. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends and family. I even enjoyed having time to myself. I actually cared about how I spent my time. I didn’t dread every second of every day. I actually wanted to inspire and impress people with what I achieved in my life.

But now I just want to do nothing. I could careless about about anything.

I just want to give up….

I just wish my life would end. No […]

Living is like cutting a steak with a baseball bat…It is not easy.

I got accepted into a university I really wanted to get into. I’m happy about it, but I still in someway feel depressed. I thought maybe that would be the thing that brings my mood up but then again I’m so easily ready to leave this life. I guess I should be grateful because I’m getting something I want in life and like I said before I understand that I have been fortunate but I have also been unfortunate.

I feel like a college can accept me but people I know or try and get to know cant. But why is that what the hell is […]

a few months ago, I wrote a poem. Here it is now:

For I am Civil Air Patrol. No single word can
Describe who I am, what I do or what I
Sacrifice at such a young age…there is no phrase
That can sum up what we do. We sacrifice
Ourselves for the needy, the misfortunate
And grieving. We cross boundlessly across
Dead and barren terrain, hopelessly searching
For one soul. We receive no pay. No special
Treatment. No acclaim. We simply fight.
Fight for freedom and tranquility within our
Borders.

For I am Civil Air Patrol.
The blood we’ve spilt within 72 years is
Tremendous. Over […]

So…guess who’s back? Annabeth is. She left for a week or so, and I was the only person who cared enough about her to continue talking to her while she was gone, since everyone at school believed that she was gone for good. I thought so, too. But now she’s back, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. When I found out she would be returning to live nearby, I was overjoyed. I thought that maybe, just maybe, there would be a chance that she would finally talk to me in real life. That I would mean something to her. Maybe she could actually care […]

It’s all over now. I think i’m happy!

I’ve done my first youtube video. Feel free to watch it if you have nothing else to do.

Sincerely,

Nobody915

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold […]

So I turned to this blog last June in the hope of relieving myself of some my bottled up stories and emotions. It helped for all of 10 seconds. I’m still a closet gay (by my family’s demand and not my choice). My family would have me locked in a cage if they could, they have recently told me I’m the biggest problem my family has. I’m at university now so I’ve had a little bit of free time to experiment and be me. But being me has come at the price of my family and their respect. When I came out they took it […]

In december of 2012 i tried to overdose myself. it obviously didn’t work because I’m typing this now. I’ve had some really serious problems with my mom but i mean most teenage girls do too… we haven’t fought in so long, but now here it is happening again the same way it used too, and here i am again just feeling more and more alone. I guess this is me just reaching out for help before i get completely hopeless. comment if you would like too.

I’m scared. I’m scared of feeling stuck, of being tormented not only the past, but my own thoughts. I’m scared of moving on, of trusting people who will only abandon me when they find out that I’m not as perfect as they foolishly believed. I’m scared of the possibility of being stuck in stasis for the rest of my life, not accomplishing anything, while everything else moves forward at the speed of light. I’m scared to live with the pain caused by living.

Yet I’m afraid to die. I’m scared that maybe I could have made a difference in someone’s life, maybe even reached my full […]

On Thursday night after you didn’t reply I felt alone
On Thursday night it was the first time in a few months that I sobbed myself to sleep
On Thursday night I felt so suicidal
On Thursday night I felt the lowest of low
On Thursday night it was going to be the second time I cut
On Thursday night I was so frustrated with myself I threw my scissors across the room
On Thursday night I was so so so so so close to the edge
On Thursday night I felt very very very worthless
On Thursday night I felt very very very useless

Anyone see him arround here recently?

So here is my story. About a year ago,, I was diagnosed as being cancer free and returned to work. Ever since this has happened, my life has been very difficult when it comes to work. At work,  my supervisor has been giving me a hard time about a lot of things.   My supervisor put me on two final warnings.  Then I work through three months of worry, high levels of anxiety, and feeling suicidal for days, weeks on end. Last week, after I got out of being on the warning for these two things by meeting goal for three months, they put me […]

I dont know how it will be finished. all depend on a phon call that i will make after tomorrow.any way i had enough bad expriences in my life to conferm that the main problem in my life is me .

Ok so it has been really hard for me to admit this but I’m a bad person! I do not care about anyone or anything?! I’m always and only worried about me! Its like I know im this evil person but I don’t do anything! I fear everything! I fear driving and dying I fear people not liking me when why should they I’m a fuck up and it’s like I know im a fuck up but I don’t do anything , I’ve been on this site before and read others posts but im so concerned with myself that I can’t even care and isn’t […]

some say it’s all hard work.

I say “willingness to work hard is part of genes”

Human species are just some random combinations of chemicals. No one knows the parameters considered in that combination ( may be the time your parents did “it” or mental state of your parents while doing “it” or the food your mom eaten in her earlier days or the pollution rate in the country,  perhaps combination of infinite parameters)

I call that combination as luck.

The set of problems we have are not real, they all part of chemical reactions in brain

Ex:

if you throw an apple iphone it broke and it remain broken: that is […]

the past few days have just been the worst I am seriously in so much emotional and mental pain. I havent ever felt more empty or hopeless than I do now and sometimes I just wanna say fuck it and grab my fucken gun and just try to end it and hope that i’ll be lucky enough to die. I swear it feels like a shitload of misery and sadness and hopelessness just fell out of the sky and landed right on me. I feel so alone right now so empty i’m sitting here just bawling me eyes out and I can’t stop I just […]

Last weekend my family and I went to visit my grandma at hometown. I saw all of my cousins who I haven’t seen for a year or more than we greeted each other but one of my cousins, started to show signs that he maybe is interested in me?

I just want to know if it’s just family love or that he likes me. When I was eating and talking to my mom and sister, and he was on the other side of the room talking to his mom. I occasionally would look to direction he was in and he would be looking at me. A while […]