As a child, and indeed as a teenager, and even now, I’m mostly a loner. I never really sought out the company of other people, for whatever reason; and having a disability that carries lots of myths that people actually believe hasn’t really helped with friends. In elementary school, I quite clearly remember being lumped in with a group of people with learning disabilities, with the premise that I could make friends with other “disabled” people. Being nine or so, it didn’t bug me much; indeed at the time it did seem like a nice gesture. But, as I said, I’m […]

Two years ago my boyfriend of a year and a half started ignoring me. He ignored my texts, calls, avoided me in person and when I asked why he finally told me I’m “a fat ugly waste of space that doesn’t deserve to live” and I became depressed. I cut every day for nine months. I counted over 1000 cuts in less than a week. I drank bleach countless times in the hope of dying but it didn’t do anything. I stopped eating. I would just have dinner with my family so they wouldn’t suspect anything and it would have been a tiny […]

I used to come on here all the time.

I’ve been, “fine” for a year now. Occasionally cutting & testing how many tablets I can take until I throw up. I lie to my CAMHs worker (councillor) about being okay.

I am fat & ugly. After years of abuse I don’t know how I lasted this long. A-levels are too difficult due to how depressed I am.

Now, I have taken a handful of sleeping tablets. I will take more.

Now, I’m going to take my own life.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, maybe to distract myself from how I feel, depressed, light headed, paranoid, & my eyes […]

I almost did it last night. I ALMOST took my own life. I can’t even remember when these thoughts started to take over my life. I feel like it has seriously been forever that I’ve wanted to kill myself. Every time the littlest thing would upset me I would automatically turn to suicide. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the shit I pulled last night. I would never do it for attention; I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I feel even worse about myself because I know my friends were worried. I don’t know exactly what set me off this time, maybe it was just bad […]

You ask :” Hey how are you?”

and just for once I wish I could just say: ” I’m miserable and I wanna die. Every breath is a challenge! My loneliness is endless and there is this black hole at the bottom of my heart that seems to eat away at my soul” Oh what a load off my chest. JUST FOR ONCE, to be completely honest.

But instead I smile and I say”fine!, how are you?”

which is your cue to tell me all about your wonderful weekend. It is all you wanted anyway. I think even if I tell anyone how i truly feel, they […]

i can’t take it anymore
i don’t know how to cope
this isn’t a goodbye
i hate goodbyes
but this is close to it
i don’t know guys
itd be so much easier
than to keep fighting
to just submit
into the darkness
its getting to too much
i don’t really have anyone
to talk to about these things
i mean yeah i have friends
but they don’t know the whole story
and i don’t want to tell them
and my parents yeah i could tell them
but then id have to sit down and have
a long talk with them and i can’t do […]

Why do you care?
Why do you stay here?
Why do you comfort me?
Why do you try to help me?
Why do you try to tell me lies about myself?
Why do you try to prevent me from cutting?
Why do you think I should stay here?
Why?!

I won’t be on this suicide blog anymore but

for those of you still arguing why I survived let me tell you the reasons.

First, the powder was pure.
Second, I sent the SMS before I ingested it.
Third, the girl to whom I sent the message knew exactly what I was going to take.
Fourth, she told the ambulance right after.
Fifth, I was in a hotel central in Prague. The ambulance was there almost immediately.
Sixth, I was brought to the best clinic in Czech Republic.
Seventh, they knew what to do. Articifical breathing, stomach pumped, the right medication, infusions etc.

That feels the way i do? Is there anybody out there

So im 33 and have hoped my life would get better…the past week or so has proved me wrong and there is nothing left to be hopeful about.I have several health problems any of which could kill me at anytime.I have 3 girlswhoi lovemore than anything even tho only one talks to me anymore.Within a week or so after i postthis i plan on taking my life,i know its a selfish act but there really is no other choice.It feels good just to write this down thanks to anyone who reads.

I am a 16yr old guy and I feel like I want to die, go crawl into a hole and rot, I have been thinking a lot about this since I was young I have always been a outcast simply because I was different or specifically strange. (I know how this must be starting to sound like a woe is me kind of story but that’s not what I am trying to do.) I cant feel sadness any more and I physically cant cry even at family,that I liked, funerals I feel nothing almost empty. I am rather chubby but not too much, my grades […]

Has it really been a year? i sit here in remembrance of all that had occurred in one single solitary year. It goes back even farther than that though. 20 years since i was born, 5 years since i had escaped, 5 years since i became trapped, 4 years since i had lived, 1 year since i escaped. 1 year since i became free to live and die in my own way.

Time.

Time is so much more than the essence of numbers. It holds so much more meaning than that itself. Time heals all, time wounds all, time drives one mad, and […]

last night at 4 am i wake up -without any feeling of the usual painful anxious or guilt in my heart ..i had just the usual insane thoughts on my head but without any related feelings nothing special has happened yesterday ,my big problem still there ,and i was not drunk … maybe cause i almost have the exit way in my hand.. anyway it is nice losing the connection between my thoughts andy feelings

Even if you are sadder than the saddest person on earth aim for suicide, at least you may  end-up being depressed

Please report if inappropriate…just thinking I need to open up about some things, maybe it’s time I let things out…

It’s strange how things occur…and how dangerous a unstable state of mind can be.  A lot of times, it happens in a split second…no elaborate plans…no thoughts of consequence or pain inflicted on others…

Once…very accidentally, and something I have regretted (morbid as it might seem), driving on the highway…innocently minding my own business, a car heading in the opposite direction got side-swiped, jumped the median barrier and landed right in front of me…  I still regret swerving out (purely out of instinct)…not only because it would […]

Just read a highly inspiring post called “Why are you still here?”. That is a great question, why are we (hurt, abused, heart broken, destroyed, ready to give up on life) still here? Everyone has a reason, everyone has a PURPOSE. It took a lot for me to find that out. I’m pretty depressed right now, it has actually gotten worst as this new year came in, nothing has gone right everything is turning for the worst. Dreams, memories, everyday experiences all going wrong. Came on here to read over my posts to see how far I’ve gotten, but that one post caught my eye […]

It is not okay to kill yourself. It is mean, it is selfish, it is disgusting. My bother was my best friend in the whole world. He was my go to guy for everything. He was strong, he was beautiful, and he was horribly selfish. He took his own life and left me here to try to live without him. It was too mean, too horrible, too awful for me to wrap my head around it. My mother can not stand to get out of bed, my dad had to cut his baby down when he found him hanging in the basement. My brother is […]

It seems that there is a great deal of romanticising of depression going around on the internet (I’m looking at you tumblr), films, books and even music, or I’m just being hyper sensitive and looking to support my hypothesis either way. I do this pathetic thing when I’m depressed where I seek out such horrendous works of publications that romanticise depression. I’ve come across brilliant works that provide a more accurate portrayal, I like those ones, if you’ve got any suggestions shout them out. I feel really angry when I come across these things, and I kinda want to punch whoever created them.

Things that are […]

Maybe I’m not meant to find love or know that kind of happiness.