It is not okay to kill yourself. It is mean, it is selfish, it is disgusting. My bother was my best friend in the whole world. He was my go to guy for everything. He was strong, he was beautiful, and he was horribly selfish. He took his own life and left me here to try to live without him. It was too mean, too horrible, too awful for me to wrap my head around it. My mother can not stand to get out of bed, my dad had to cut his baby down when he found him hanging in the basement. My brother is going to lose his marriage now because of it, as am I. My children have a broken mother, and a selfish cold, dead uncle that they believed loved them. I believed his last text to me when he said he loved me… This isn’t love… This is soul crushing grief that will never go away… It is not okay to kill yourself… It is not okay.
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I’m sorry for your loss, and honestly that’s why many of us hang on even if it’s hard to do so, out of fear for hurting our loved ones.
But you also have to consider (and i say this in a nice-not confrontational way), you shouldn’t doubt the love he had for all of you, because you don’t know what he was really feeling inside when he did what he did.
Maybe he was hanging out for all of you for years and he just couldn’t take it anymore, maybe something happened that made all that resistance fail in the end, you never know.
So don’t judge him as being selfish… if you would have knew he was really suffering and could have done nothing to help him, wouldn’t you be the selfish one for asking him to hang on when he just couldn’t cope with it anymore?. Instead of that remember him like you say, the loving brother who was your go guy for everything.
And has i said before, i’m really sorry for your loss and i don’t mean to harm you in anyway, i wish you the best and i hope you can all overcome this tragedy (i’ve lost family too)… just pointing out there is always a different point of view in situations like the one you are living now.
Yet…is it okay to ask someone to live in so much pain…?
We all know it’s the wrong decision but there comes a point where it all just becomes too much.
The daily self loathing, the constant emotional roller-coaster, enjoying something the one moment and having no interest in it the next, lying awake in bed at night unable to sleep and feeling like you would keel over at any moment during the day, the heavy feeling like your limbs are made from lead, the constant barrage of thoughts racing through your head, the grand schemes and dreams that you think of driving you to excell just to realise how impossible those plans were… and that’s just for starters…
Compound that with a physical genetic disorder like I have…and no one is going to tell me that it’s a selfish choice. I won’t deny…it’s a heart breaking one…but when you have taken so many (as prescribed, not even overdosed) anti-depressants and lithium, mixed with pain pills and anti-inflamatories that your kidneys are ready to explode, you don’t really think of the “pain” of others around you…
@Keief: You have a new fan. You’re tactful, thoughtful, sensitive, and humble. Kuddos to you.
@4everlost: I also lost someone who meant everything to me–even more than my own life. I can’t know the particulars of your pain. I don’t mean to compare what I feel to what you do. But I wanted to let you know that, to the extent possible, I share some of your hurt. I think of my lost one at least a dozen times a day. Often many times an hour. I still dream of her. Vividly. And I’ve never stopped hurting. And I know I never will. The day she died, I became a zombie. No therapist or pharmacist could fix me. Sometimes pain breaks you. At least it broke me. I wish I could make you whole again. Honestly. If you ever want to scream or yell or …, I’ll listen respectfully: social detritus at gmail dot com (all one word).
Well I think that your family self-destructing is a choice made by responsible or irresponsible adults. It is very convenient to blame it all on your brother’s selfishness but how selfish are you being by allowing this to single handedly ruin your family, even resigning your children to have a broken mother now. It is ok to grieve. If he had died in a car accident would you implode your and your families life over it? Death is the only certainty of life, he may have had 30 years or 30 days so focusing on the particular conditions and time in which he passed is self-destructive.
@PhantomShadow: I hear you. I feel your words. I empathize. May I ask a sincere question of you? How do conceive of something that “just becomes too much” being “the wrong decision”?
Sorry if I seem to come across tactless…I’m not usually like this… I guess I am just in a phase at the moment that is draining the little resources I have left…
I do realise the pain that other suffer as a consequence…the problem is, depression is overwhelming and negates logic…
My brother wasn’t depressed. We were together everyday, we worked together and lived together. He didn’t cry, he laughed. We laughed, a lot. So being selfish and asking him to stay when he couldn’t cope? Doesn’t make sense to me. Him and I talked, every, single day. He bought a house, with a pool. A brand new truck. Got a brand new job making thousands a day. Two beautiful children. Parents and siblings that loved him to the ends of the earth. The world at his finger tips. And yet he chose to hang himself? My family is self destructing responsibly or irresponsibly because of this horrible decision. There is no life left for us. He was our light. He was my light. Don’t worry, without a doubt, your family will do the same if you kill yourself.
There is nothing good in suicide. You don’t die a hero. You don’t go out with beauty or grace. Your loved ones won’t get over it. The world won’t be better without you. I get it, you’re sad, life didn’t go the way it was supposed to. I know! My husband was hit by a drunk driver and became paralyzed and suffered a brain injury. I was nine months pregnant and had a toddler and a preschooler. We lost our business, our home, everything.. I know sad. I’ve lived it… But now I also know that suicide is the WORST thing you could do about that sad. The point is, that the sad that you feel, is not near the sad of the ones you will leave behind with the decision to take your own life. It is mean and it is horribly selfish. People love you, you do owe it to them to at least try. Get help, talk about it. Whatever you have to do, but just don’t do that.
@4everlost, Don’t judge your brother so hard. I’m such a brother to my younger brother. We go out together, we do things together, he knows almost everything for me, I’m standing by him, helping him, being the strong. However, I’m not, he doesn’t (and nobody) knows what I’ve actually got in my heart, what pain and grief is doing to me each and everyday. Don’t judge your brother, love him for what you knew. I understand he hurt you, but you’ve got to understand. He was probably already postponing for a long time, just thinking of you. Believe me, this is the only reason many of us don’t depart, but there is just this one day when you can’t keep doing it anymore, when you can’t stand it.
Well sorry to break the trend here but YOU sound extremely selfish. Your post screams about me,me, me. Do you think your brother wanted to commit suicide? Do you have any idea how much pain someone is in when they decide to end everything? Obviously you don’t because your concerns revolve around you. I don’t hear the slightest bit of compassion in you for your brother and the pain HE felt.
Maybe part of the lesson he had to teach you is other people can’t be totally responsible for your happiness because something might happen and then where does that leave you? Instead of blaming him for your (and everyone else’s life in your family) maybe you should have worked on trying to find happiness in yourself. What you’re describing sounds beyond co dependent. It sounds like you literally gave up any responsibility in your life and gave someone else the complete job of being responsible for your happiness.
You say your brother wasn’t depressed. Obviously you missed something because he was. His life you described sounds like something out of a fairy tale. If it was all the way you described why in God’s name did he take his own life? People have genetic and chemical imbalances. They also have schizophrenic tendencies that make them act completely different then they normally would. Maybe he needed to be on medication and You missed it. Some people can put on a mask that doesn’t let anyone know what they’re going through, especially if their life looks really good on the surface but inside they’re dieing.
“The point is, that the sad that you feel, is not near the sad of the ones you will leave behind with the decision to take your own life.”
There you go judging him. You have no idea how much pain he must have been going through and it doesn’t sound like you’re even interested. In your two posts I’ve seen nothing to show you’re even remotely interested in what drove him to give up the most precious thing he had; his own life.
@Gary, your post is so true, but don’t be so pissed.
@4everlost, you’re in deep pain and that’s normal, but please don’t blame your brother. Even if it’s really late try to understand him. Be sure that before leaving, he postponed it for a looong long time just for his family. There are many people who look happy on the outside but inside they are dying (as Gary said) and the more successful and happy their mask looks, the more pain they feel. Believe me, I know what I’m saying.
it’s because of my family that I am still alive, but make no mistake, I’d rather be dead.
If he was feeling so much pain, he wasn’t in his right mind to make rational decisions. Ask me how I know. I was there. I attempted.
Your brother was ill and you and your family need to realize that. Maybe you could have helped him, maybe you couldn’t have, but your lives must go on. Its not easy. and I think you all need some counseling to deal with this tragedy.
Never underestimate the power of God either. Pray yourself, and for yourselves and his soul. It matters, really.
Never assume that because a person is happy, they might not have depression…in fact, it’s usually quite the opposite. Those who looks the happiest, unwilling to burden their friends and family with their problems, are usually the ones who don’t make it…because of their unselfish love for those around them, they take the burden on them selves but end up loosing the battle, for it’s not a battle that can be won allone…
That’s a sad story… Going without giving your closest ones a chance to help you is unfair.