I cant get out of bed, my whole body hurts, food disgusts me and all I can think about is slashing my wrists…there is no one here to care or not care, I am alone, and there is no one I can talk to, not because they wouldn’t listen, but because I don’t know what to say…I have led a privileged life, there is literally no reason for me to feel like this…and still theres no reason for me to not have ended it already…into another year of cowardice and exhausting faking of wellbeing.

It never stops

My brain works too quickly, there are about 15 different voices in my head, they never stop.

They’re all yelling.

They only stop when I cut.

I promised myself I wouldn’t.

But I did.

Happy New Fucking Year.

                Day 1 of 365:

And I’ve already made mistakes..

I’ve already cut myself,

I’ve already burnt myself,

I’ve already bruised myself,

I’ve only had one hours sleep. (8:30 this morning – 9:30 this morning),

I’ve already thought of committing suicide

I’ve already argued with my mum and stepdad,

I’ve already made my brother cry,

I’ve already told too many lies,

I already give up. 

I think i want to die, and it scares me

hey gather around people, lets snap this new year a bright picture
last year had it downs, but who care? jeez! ama dance, and that is just because i ve lived through the woods,
i ve seen the worst the world could throw at me,
i still have my scars to that effect,
but i just feel so happy today.
why?
cus i was able to forget all my past mistakes, ,my present cash profile nd every other attack from this ugly planet,
now i feel safe in being down in the mud,

and hey lest i forget, i am now two years old in […]

There is an empty feeling that resides in my soul. I have searched every logical avenue to end this horrible feeling. I have been through hell and back, and as I look back the only reason I kept going was because I had meagre problems to overcome and each time I would succeed I would experience an acute sense of joy. I suffer from anxiety, depression paranoia you name it. Whether or not it was self inflicted from my history of drug abuse, traumatic events or my family history of mental illnesses or the potentiation of all of the above, this feeling is f*cked up. […]

I no longer seem to even try. all ways have contradictions, all ways are lies. the truth, as i’ve extracted out of them, is: they are born out of desire to escape this misery or to reach to a destination. this very desire makes them fail. i can from this moment start making some change in my life in order to better up my situation, but its thoroughly a lie. my desire makes circle with effects of change, and my real self remains untouched, unchanged. thus this method is bound to fail over time, as a lie cannot sustain itself for long. something needs to […]

I thought you were the one to hold me tight, to tell me it would all be alright. Instead you hurt me, hurt me to a point of no return. We used to talk all night, laugh and play all day. Until that fateful day… you cheated. I trusted you with my life. I trusted you. And now I hate you as much as I love you. Too scared to be alone. I wish I could let you go. I wish I didn’t hold on. I cry and you yell at me for crying, you hit me and I hit back. What’s wrong with us? […]

So i’ll go for a drive to find actual hemlock, not this stupid Queen anne’s lace that tricked me.

Sometimes when I reminisce about the past I tend to not include bad memories….but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember them..growing up I had a very dysfunctional family and I’ll admit some of the things I did were deserving of punishment but sometimes you go too far …

I remember in 9th grade….me and my cousin got busted for report card fraud….yup, we were cunning little bastards. You see we came up with a scheme …a very….good scheme….we would copy the report card right? so you have 2 copies…take some scotch tape and scissors and cut out any “A’s” or “B’s” and then cover the bad grades […]

Head tilted down, knees on the ground,

I will ask,

Please,

Save

Me

My first suicidal thoughts started when I was 8 years old. my first suicide attempt was at 9. I have been diagnosed with mixed receptive expressive language disorder and non verbal disability disability, which almost makes me socially disabled, not to be confused with mentally disabled. I have been severely bullied my whole entire life, even to this day at 20 years old. When I was 14, my father passed away of copd, and my sister two days later of an accidental  drug overdose. I also had 2 cats and 1 dog pass away that year. I was numb the whole entire time. 5 years […]

PSYOP’ZX

JUST DONT KNOW Y IAM HERE IF IAM THE PURPOSE > NOT SURE Y THIS DONT END BECUS IM SICK OF BEING A CONTARD TO EVERAE AND NOAE…………

its like no one understands what I’m going through. Or how hard it is on me when my dad comes home drunk and with a new girl pretty much every week. The world as we THINK we know it, actually might understand, they just don’t want to.I don’t know why I keep cutting or attempting suicide, I know that I can stop..it’s just that I don’t want to. In reality, when people die of suicide, they don’t want to end their lives, they only want the pain to end.

I had a good job.    Was out on disability. Never thought I would be in this position again. I have to find work after 2 years off and confidence shaken.  I think about suicide all the time . My family except for parents have disowned me, my best friend of 25 years turned her back on me.  everyone I thought was a friend wasnt. They all left haven’t talked to anyone in 2 years.  I have nobody but my cats.  My family would put them to sleep if I died. I couldn’t do that to them or my parents.  Oh the thought of getting […]

I feel sad, empty, alone.

I am scared, exhausted, hurt.

I wanna scream, cut, cry.

Can I please just die.

I’m just so tired of suffering. The emotional pain sucks beyond belief and the tears never seem to subside. I’m the same age my father was he took his own life; it was devastating to me as a thirteen-year-old child.

And now I grapple with my emotional pain, wishing I could end it all, but not wanting to inflict the same distress, misunderstanding of love, and rejection onto my own son that my father’s suicide encompassed me with.

Fuck. Nothing is easy. I can’t even check out smoothly or with ease. Just sucks.

Do you remember that feeling that everything is finally better? That you feel you have finally out ran the blade and all the pain? Tell me if you remember the day that you woke up and found that it was all a dream, that you never outran the blade or the pain or the scars? That’s how I’m feeling right now. I feel how all of my problems have been piled up so high that I can’t see anymore, that the weight is just too much. It feels like I can’t breath anymore, like my world is just crashing down all around me. I love […]

I wanted to finish my FAFSA application to get financial aid for college, but of course my mother comes and nags at me for wanting to do it at the last minute, when I clearly told her around Christmas time if she could help, but she says she doesn’t feel like looking for her files. My dad starts yelling at me because they don’t think I can apply to any college I want. She calls me stupid and tells me stupid “You’re a fucking stupid like your daughter.” Then she goes on about how she doesn’t trust me with her information or anything. Or how […]

Tried it all: talking, counseling, therapy, asked my doctor what meds would work best since many could practically cripple me (he still hasn’t gotten back to me). No matter what I do, I see everything and everyone as less than perfect and therefore a burden to the universe and everything in it.

…I think too much. New lesson, kiddies: don’t think. It’ll do things to you.

Anyways yeah. Would a 20ft drop head-first be enough to kill me?