I feel
like a corpes,
because i can’t feel at all.
Open my throat,
hear the screaming silence.
i feel i can’t process whats real and what isn’t.
life is a cage,
and love is nonexistent.
I’m as lonely as space.
lost among the stars,
in this imaginary place.
is pain…real?
eyes closed see heaven.
and eyes closed see nothing.
My mind is decaying,
because there are feelings I’m forced to forget.
my heart huts itself
because it can’t keep a beat.
I’ve never felt so tired,
i don’t think I’ve ever been awake.
I feel like we will never be okay.

It’s funny what people think will make me feel better. I’m tired of proving to people that I’m trying everything in my power to fix myself. It’s not working. Medication’s not helping me either. It’s like I’m stuck in a whirlpool, drowning.

“Exercise, it’ll make you feel better,” – I lost 35 pounds in the past year.

“Focus on school more, it’ll make you feel better”- I have a 3.8 GPA and I’m graduating with honours

“Socialize more”- I have a great group of friends

“Find a new hobby”- In the past year, I’ve learned fluent ASL, improved my drawing skills, learned how to knit and crochet, and finished […]

I hate this feeling; not being able to help myself.

“Here’s your medication,” she said. “You should start feeling a difference in about a month.”

It’s been two months.

“In the meantime, just keep doing what you’ve been doing,” she said, flashing me a plastered-on smile. “Go out with your friends, keep occupying yourself with your hobbies, keep up your good eating habits and exercise routine.”

“You’re doing everything right, just keep it up”.

It’s not working.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here and I’ve come to realize I’ve lived too long. I hate who I am. I don’t know why I try. Goodbye world.

I’ve been reading these posts for a little bit and I feel compelled to write something to see how I feel after.

For the majority of my life (I’m 20) I’ve always felt lonely, unimportant, useless, forgettable, and other synonymous adjectives that will most likely describe how I’ve felt.  I’ve grown up with a life most people would envy; a caring family and friends, food, shelter, education, income when needed, support for the things I do, everything.

Despite living a comfortable life, I feel so hopeless regardless of any efforts to better my life.  And I must stress I put in considerable effort to better my life. […]

What is is the meaning of being sad?

Its quite simple really, sadness is the uncontrollable and overwhelming feeling of utmost despair and loss. It clouds your mind consuming you, as you allow yourself to be sucked in the pit of witch the climb out is steep and treacherous. It takes a hold of you making you only focus on the wound. For some sadness can be hidden, maybe with a smile every day to fool those of whom you care about from worrying. Or perhaps a misdirection during a conversation of whenever someone tries to get to know you or love you. You may find […]

I’m not sure how long I’ve wanted to die, but I can’t think of a moment I wanted to live. My life is completely empty and I just want it to be over. There is no hope for change.

this is my first post 🙂

okay..

what is perfection? how can something be perfect.. without any flaws?

my life is perfect.. im just existing in it and i see it as perfect, i love everything, everyone, no one is mean, no one makes me feel bad, outside, my life is so so.. wonderful. i have good grades, i have people i can call friends, im free.

inside, i hate myself. I lie to myself and im stupid enough to believe the lies; im ugly, im unwanted, im alone, im not worth anything, im suicidal, im depressed, im bipolar, im already long gone…

so perfection, it is really something that […]

Perhaps such negativity, which can only be assumed in my title, isn’t exactly helping my case… but when have I ever been the psychologists’ definition of optimistic? When my counselor advised me to be positive every session I’d attend in the meager 10th grade? *scoff*

My University career continues tomorrow and I wonder, as I have been wondering for months, maybe even a year and a half ago when I’d been a mere freshman, why am I even bothering? Is it to pursue the occupation I love? An occupation of which is, by no means, safe or reliable. Stressful, even, granted I’m successful enough to […]

Tired of waiting for something I don’t know what it is.

Tired of all these stupid pleasures.

I’m fucking tired of feelings. I wish I could be someone who is always lovely. I wish I could be someone who can always hate. I wish I was a machine. Or a cockroach waiting to be killed.

I won’t go again to some fucking stupid doctor. I’m tired of them too. If it’s all about pills I can make a fake recipe and get some. That’s not the problem.

I don’t want to get NUMB. But everything seems like that. Just numbing and numbing again and again and again.

Wish I was […]

Leave me.

Leave me alone.

Leave me to the darkness.

Leave the monster in me kill me.

Leave me to drown in my own lake of blood.

Leave me to never start over again.

Leave me to scar forever.

Leave me to die here.

Leave me.

Deleting.
Deleting words.
Deleting feelings.
Deleting unwritten messages.
Deleting unsent messages.
Deleting.

Hiding.
Hiding feelings.
Hiding pain.
Hiding tears.
Hiding scars.
Hiding.

Hurting.
Hurting mind.
Hurting feelings.
Hurting scars.
Hurting everything.
Hurting.

Crying.
Crying out.
Crying now.
Crying today.
Crying tomorrow.
Crying.

Faking.
Faking happiness.
Faking smiles.
Faking being happy.
Faking love.
Faking.

Going.
Gong no where.
Going there.
Going into the darkness.
Going here.
Going.

Leaving.
Leaving her.
Leaving him.
Leaving them.
Leaving everyone.
Leaving.

I’m not here to complain, to whine, to say it’s not fair. Yeah it’s not fair but a lot of people in this world have it worse than me and it’s come to my attention that some of those people are on this website.
I used to feel horrible about myself. I still do a little bit, but I just stopped thinking about myself. I guess I’ve grown through the pain and I’ve learned through it. Yeah life has beaten me up a lot and it still continues to but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let it win. And neither should you guys.
People […]

It’s not that I hate my life. I just hate myself. I’m just starting to realize that now but I think it’s been going on longer than that. I just hate everything about me. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror without wanting to strangle myself for being so disgusting, not only physically but also on the inside. I’m an awful human being and I don’t deserve to be here anymore. I think this now more than ever especially since I’m just coming to realize what a piece of shit I am. The thing that pisses me off if that I know […]

I went to the bridge again today. There were blockades and signs up instructing people to not venture up to it because of ice. At least I guess that’s what it said, because naturally I stopped reading as soon as I read the first word and proceeded to go up to the bridge anyways. Close a bridge? What? For my “safety”? o_O I go to this bridge an unhealthy amount of times every week and do the same thing every time. I figure I’ll jump off one of these nights.

This time was particularly nice because for the first hour I was there I was able […]

The title says it all. I fell for a guy… We had sex 3 times… And he just dumped me. He used me like a toy. That’s all I was to him… A toy. Do I have “USE ME” written on my face?

does anyone else feel alone or forgotten? or is it just me. cuz every time I need somebody, they always find a way to maneuver themselves out of my life.

Tomorrow

I absolutely dread tomorrow, because tomorrow I have school, I have to attend hell on earth. I have no idea why I hate school so very much, but hey don’t we all. I’ve never hated school so much, but this year I feel nauseous about even going. See the thing is I’m doing winter conditioning for crew, and it screws me up. Because if I go my grades tumble down, and if I don’t my mother makes me feel like a complete failure. What do you guys think I should do? Like I want to talk  to her but I have no […]

i keep looking at my old self harm pics and pictures on my tumblr keep popping up and my arms are burning. I really miss my arms being covered… the feeling of the scars that I could run my hands over. i felt like a tiger hahah a fucking tiger… but i made a promise to my mom and to myself i wouldnt but its hard. hahah hard isnt the right word its torture.

some times while yet again i am sat at home feeling low, and alone..It gets me thinking why am i still here, and what makes it worse is im going to be that great big 50 this year. like most people by now life should be fun, loving, have plenty of friends etc.. Being older is not ment that you are some how wiser. if that was the case i would not be on here writing this now.

its ment to be a time to look back and say what have i done with my life and what happens next. well ive done shit all. I’m […]