A few days ago I got an awful call… My best friend called me to tell me one of our good friends committed suicide. I literally broke down. I know what its like to be at the brink and feel so damn lonely but i just couldnt believe he was gone. He talked a few years ago about him planning to hang himself one night at school and one of his roommates walked in before he had the chance to actually go through with it, and they talked and he decided he wasnt ready…. i wish someone walked him on him this time. if i only couldve sent him a message telling him how much i loved him… his death has opened my eyes. i dont think i would ever end my life knowing how many people would be hurting because of my decision. even people i wouldnt have expected it to effect it would. This man is the most genuine, kind heart and all around cool guy ive ever met. he brought so much sunshine when he entered a room and it just really hurts my heart how much pain he mustve been in…. Tell everyone you care about how much they mean to you and AlWAYS look through that a fake smile. if i could talk to him rn I would sit him down give him a huggggeeee hug maybe slap him and tell him how much loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he had here and that i understand sometimes life gets to much so i dont blame him for wanting it to end. I know ill see him soon . hopefully our souls will find eachother in another dimension. Love you always fredward <3
family out of sight
on this cold, dark night.
a deadly kiss
who wouldve known
it would end up like this.
A new year
the same shit
Had it up to here
cant go on
have no where to go
I dont belong.
I havent been in here in what seem like ages. I used to use this sight to escape my reality and let out all my anger and sadness. Since i last was on my world has turned upside down and I truly didnt know what true sadness was until a few months ago when my mom passed away. She is my EVERYTHING my life, my soul, mt breath and for a long time she was my reason to live. NOw I struggle everyday with finding a purpose for staying here on this earth. The thing that keeps me going is trying to live my life in honor of hers. Its a struggle but so far I am managing; even if its barely. I recently got kicked out of my house my roommate and am living woth my boyfriend and his mom until we can find a place together. I am so thankful to have them in my life because I dont know where I’d be without them… Ive been shown so much love by these people and I will forever be grateful. I’m starting back at dance as well on MOnday but was demoted because I took a break from dancing since all of the events that transpired. I’m excited but kinda disheartened because I am SOOOOOO behind on my training. Its what I’ve always done though and I’ve spent all my life dancing so I figured I should give it one more go before I move on…. I just really hope this new year brings lots of love and happiness because I dont know if I can take another year like 2015. I’m trying to stay hopeful.
I dont know how many people are still on here when I used to be a regular on the sight but I hope all the old folks as well as the new have a happy new year and remeber 2016 is a NEW year. If youre not happy with your life your time is NOW! You can do it! Make a change! Give out as much love as you can. SMILE! You all are beautiful souls!!!!!!!
Sending all my love,
Maybe one day I’ll find people in my life who will stay… promises that are constantly made to me by people i get close to are always broken no matter how much they swear up and down saying that they will always be there for me. Maybe in another life that’ll be true…
I feel as though i keep getting chases to “start over”… however i end up either back in the same place or missing where i was before. I feel like even though i have change of scenery all my baggage (especially of the emotional kind) always keeps me revisiting my past. I need to let go and move on. I dont belive in forgetting your past but for my case I dwell on it so much I need to completely push it back into the “vault” and only revisit the past when I have my head and life together; because right now I am just not happy with where i am and the people who are in/ out of my life ( of course besides the select few). I need to find peace with myself and stop letting my emotional shit get the best of me. Yes I feel alone, no i dont have any friends to surround myself with, yes it is a struggle to wake up every morning; but i have to believe that one day I WILL be where I want to be, with people whom I love and love me back, and I WILL be the person I want to be.
Thank you thank you thank you for protecting my butt and my privacy! I appreciate it and send my love to you and all the other members on this website!
Peace to all Love to all and Understanding to all… Find a way to forgive yourself, then you can forgive others for how they have hurt you. Spread love not hate <3
I just went on her tumblr page and i saw she got a tattoo of a flower and im pretty sure its a sunflower… is that to remind her of me? I mean that is who i am… If it is then thats fucked up because she dosent talk to me anymore but I do hope that I mean that mmuch to her that it is… but who am i kidding it probs isnt; its most likely just a flower and i’m no where on her mind. I dont know how I went from having such close friends to basically ZERO! I would love to make new friends to hangout with but the truth is Id be fine if we just made up and things could be back to the way they were. Ive lost a pure and true friend and it kills me to know that I let such a special person go. Ive only really been in love with two people in my life her and this guy im trying to make shit work with rn. Sure ive loved my pther friends to death as well but it really hurts when the people you care most about leave. God i miss you so much… Love you always 🙁
I made a bunch of amazing friends my freshman year, i finally felt loved and excepted by these amazing people. I was surrounded by love, art, understanding, and passion. School ended i said my goodbyes and had to go home knowing i would not return to them in the fall. Summer went on and i was alone in a new city with only my brother and mom to keep me company; but that wasnt so terrible; one of my friends lives 40 mins away so id see her maybe once a week or a few days every other week; plus my best friend frmo school came to pick me up and i got to go to nc for a week and see her and one of my guy friends came up to see me for a weekend… but now school has started back up, the friend that lives 40 mins away has a gf now and between her gf, school, work and honestly the lack of desire to keep in touch or make the drive to see me we barely have the chance to hangout. My other friend who is back at school now is preoccupied with that and we are slowly staying in touch less and less; i dont see her coming to see me in the foreseeable future either… I am dancing with a ballet company however which keeps me busy but because i am shy and dont normally get along with “the ballet type of girls” I havent made any friends there. So I have no one to hangout with or laugh with or talk to and its got me really down. My normal schedule for a the week is: wake up sit around and watch tv alone until I have to go to dance, then i come back home where i watch tv with my mom, who i love to death, then when she goes to sleep i stay in my room alone. Then on weekends when i have no dance and all i want to do is have some fun or go out and let loose a little I just sit at home by myself because i have no one to go out with…I get no texts from anyone all day and no invites to hangout with anyone. My mom is telling me this wont last and to just hang on and i will make friends and have my time to have fun but i dont see that in the foreseeable future unless somehow i end up meeting some new people… I really do hate being alone and its weird from going from having lots of great friends and being able to go out and have fun to not having anyone and literally being trapped in my house. PLus being at home is stressful itself, always having my brother arguing and yelling about how everything is my fault and how our family is “shit” and i;m the cause of everything bad that has happened to him and to our family. constant bickering, constant yelling, which is not good for the soul nor for my mom and my physical or emotional health, or even good for his health. Blehhh for anyone who read this; it feels so good to be able to vent even if it is to my own computer and you guys on sp lol. hopefully yal are having a good night. SENDING MY LOVE AS ALWAYS <3
When you constantly hear how horrible of a person you are, especially from your own sibling and parent, you start to second guess yourself and even start to believe it.
Finally gave in to my urges and cut for the first time in a couple months; i feel so shitty but relieved. i feel so weak and terrible after i have fights with my mom; i guess im just feeling alone. name shit different day.
I look through the posts here on sp and i dont see any familiar names: idk whether thats a good thing or bad… I hope everyone that I have talked to that I’ve shared stories with and bad times are doing ok. I’d like to htink they dont come here anymore because their lives got better, they moved on and now are at peace with themselves. I hope thats the case <3. Maybe one day i will reach the point where this sight is a very very distant memory.
The feeling when youre holding a razor in your hand, tears pouring down your face and youre just staring at it… so close to relief, so close to that feeling you used to rely on. My arms are starting to tingle again burn and ache wanting to feel the slice of the blade and see the blood first pool then trickle down my arm. but he texted me… as if he felt the need to contact me. maybe it was a coincidence. maybe ill still cut tonight. god i really wantto cut but if he were here with me i would settle for his sweet kisses…
Somehow i always end up back here… back to my blog thats held my darkest secrets. I guess i find some comfort in that sp will always be here to listen. ive turned to tumblr recently which ive been venting on… but on here its different. every time i come on i feel like ive lost a battle; except this time i can truthfully say i dont want to die; i have so much more living to do… but i am so sad. i’m lonely and i hate feeling this way. I feel anxious all the time, i feel helpless, alone and i hate living this way. I just pray that soon i will find happiness, i will continue to have the strength to live and work toward a better future. Thank you sp for being the one constant thing in my life i can always depend on turing to…
i see everybody moving on, everyone whos left me. everyone who was important to me. and i have moved on too maybe physically but not mentally. i still long for those people for the talk for the closeness for the laughs for being in their presence. Some im glad have moved on the ones who were negative mean nasty but it seems as though they are happy… Â then why cant i be happy. fully completely. there always seems to be something. And although Â seeing the people i once considered friends, lovers, family happy should make me happy as well there is a twinge of sadness that they can be happy without me in their lives. that they choose to share their happiness with others and not me. just a thought.
my brother… he needs help. He attacked me and i accidentally cut him with a plate that i was holding in my hand. im scared and shaking and really hurt how he could do that to me. now he is justifying himself to my mom. “defending himself”… thats not how it happened he knows that or maybe he really is crazy. i need to leave this house for a breather
I cant stop crying… my life my relationships have all gone to shit. I havent felt this alone in a while… i feel trapped, used, unwanted and really hurt. I need to get out of here out of this situation out of these toxic relationships… birthdays in 3 days… happy birthday to me.
.Lately I’ve been noticing a reoccurringÂ theme in my life; never getting put first. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember in all aspects of my life. Whether it be involving friendships, relationships, family matters it’s always the same. Just once it would be nice if someone would put me and my well being first as their top priority and take into consideration my feelings and care about me. It’s really sad how I’m constantly looked over and everyone assumes I’m fine and no one seems to care about how I’m doing or feeling.
i keep looking at my old self harm pics and pictures on my tumblr keep popping up and my arms are burning. I really miss my arms being covered… the feeling of the scars that I could run my hands over. i felt like a tiger hahah a fucking tiger… but i made a promise to my mom and to myself i wouldnt but its hard. hahah hard isnt the right word its torture.