Im not really close with anyone so it’s hard for me to tell people how I feel. Everything has just became to much for me and I don’t no what to do. The cutting/burning isn’t enough anymore. All I think about is ending my life. And I know deep down I don’t really want to but it feels like most the time something else is in my head telling me it’s a good thing. In miserable I hate living I hate doing anything. I try to convince my self that I’m not crazy or whatever and this will all past but it doesn’t. I really […]

I relapsed last night. People have been touching my arms and I wince. They ask about it and I say I fell but I think they really know. My girlfriend know and I hate it. I’m sorry everyone :c

Oddly named post since we are well beyond Halloween but nonetheless a suitable title ….

Today I received a sample of ******** from a possible source free of charge so that he could prove that he is legit. Problem is I have no way of testing it without risking possible harm to myself as I am the only test subject I have. I have no money to buy a 245$ kit from Exit international and if this isn’t N but something poisonous and painful my plans will be thwarted. Does anybody know of anyway that I could test my sample?

Trick or Treat….

Lets hope this is a […]

I relapsed last night and this time cut on my wrists instead of my thighs like normal; honestly I don’t know why I moved spots. I’m so self conscious today though. Constantly pulling at my sleeves and bracelets to make sure no one can see my cuts, especially my family. I just hold in so much anger and sadness until I feel like I’m suffocating under it all, and my only release is when I cut. Needless to say I’m very disappointed in myself.

Everything I love is being ripped away from me and I can’t do anything about it. I feel useless. I can’t feel real happiness anymore, I just feel hollow. I feel helpless and hopeless. I nkow that I’m encroaching on their comfort zone, so I back off, but then I feel even lonlier. Pretending that I’m okay and that everything is fine is getting too difficult, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this act up. I don’t want help in the form of a shrink or a pill or a padded cell. I have plenty of ways and opportunities to end my sufferring, but I’m hoping for some reason, any […]

What are alternatives to suicide??

It’s so hard to bring myself to kill myself. I know that I will never be the same again though. I will never get a bf, be happy, work again, or even clean house. I messed up and I can’t forgive myself. I can’t even get out of bed.

If I just knew I could live my life over again, I would be able to do it. I had such a good life with so many wonderful opportunities over the last 7 years. All I had to do was to take just one of those opportunities.

How do I get the courage to commit suicide?

I have tried, I have failed.

Worthless.I will never be the same, not in your eyes.

You are… were.. all that I cared about… and here we are…

It was supposed to be easier. What happened to me. Why cant I do it as easily as it used to be.

Why me. Why cant we work things out.

Why does it hurt more than ever before.

I was thinking about the other night,  “Why did anything change”, and I realised how it changed, I grew up and went into high school I thought it would be something I would love to be at but, to be honest, I didn’t think it’d be this hard. This hard to get up every morning and knowing something bad will happen, and most of the time I’m right. It sucks having to walk down those crowded hallways realising you’re different from everyone else because of your past, because of what you’ve done to yourself and what people think about you. Most of the things people […]

I see the word “love”

and I feel nothing

beautiful words and letters

and I feel nothing

I used to feel the flutter

the stutter

the rhythmic beat pumping in my chest

every time i even heard your name

because to me,

you were love.

Now all I feel is an empty void

I shutter

my heart beat is constant

I flinch at the thought of you

now you are the very opposite of “love”

I once lived because of you,

Now I am dead, because of you.

Dont judge me for what I’m about to say but
If God can tell the future and he knew I would
Kill myself and do all these sins. Why would he make
Me?
Im a disgrace
Im not good enough
Im nothing.
No body cares and nobody will be and I’m
Ashamed because I’m sad and I cut and
Not anyone is there to save me
Its like I’m falling in an endless pit and someone
Pushed me but they all think i slipped and i’m lying
So kill me now before i kill my damn self.

Dear Lord, please forgive my sins.  Please forgive me for not cherishing my life. I am in so much emotional pain and I just want it to end. I am so alone And can not bear another day. Please Lord, please take me to heaven tonight. Let me close my eyes and awake to see you face. I am ready. I was born ready. Please Lord, take me to join my family in heaven. Please end my suffering. I don’t have anything or anyone to live for. I am so alone. In Jesus name, amen.

Most people know how to get in touch with me here. If one is available, I do ask for someone now. Someone who will not judge my feelings, but rather, will listen. Advice is not needed, just someone who cares.

How many times has it been, I’ve repeatedly lost myself to the sadness that resides in my heart, an overbearing shadow that slowly consumes my thoughts and steers me towards the wrong path. Well… some would say its pretty simple, count the amount of scars, the amount of battles I’ve fought and lost against my desires. I would say I’ve lost quite a few, surprising to say I somehow haven’t lost the war yet. It wasn’t always like this, I was definitely happy by society’s definition. I had many friends in school and never suffered from any mental illnesses as I grew up. So why […]

Home, it drives me insane I can’t think, or go about my business without someone digging their nose into it. There’s no privacy, not even in my Therapy Journal. When I express my feelings, I get screamed at or told that Im wanted to be beaten to a pulp for being a shit. Or told that I am an embarrassment to my family. When I trap my emotions, I eventually explode becoming very malicious and violent. Then, I get in trouble. I can’t express or trap my thoughts without my family going through it and commenting on everything, they don’t even listen. […]

If people actually loved me like they say they do, they’d let me cut. They’d realize cutting prevents these constant breakdowns I’m having. I can’t deal with my inner turmoil without cutting. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything when I have to stop cutting. Lack of cutting is making me more depressed, sick, and anti social. I no longer care about my life or my future right now.

Hi…im new to this. Im not quite sure of what to say or where to start. I just feel really overwhelmed right now and tried to resist and help myself. Its all so confusing and scary and lonely and I think I need a support structure to feel better and fight for life.

6 months. I was clean for 6 months. Not so much as a scratch on my body and now my arms are covered with my sin. I knew relapse was painful, but never did I realize how bad it truly can be. The disappointment. The shame. The hatred I feel for myself. I came so far…for this? To end up right where I was 6 months ago?….. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss it. Welcome back my old friend. I truly hate you.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING MAD! I’d much rather punch a whole in a fucking wall but I hope posting this will be a less destructive way to let it out. Maybe some of you have heard of the tornado in Illinois that devastated washington and the surrounding area, and even though I’m 900 miles away, it still makes me so goddamn pissed off. I have family and friends back home that are homeless now, and I can do nothing to help. At the same time, my grandpa goes back into the hospital, and I have no idea if he’ll be okay. Powerless over that […]

Im sorry brothers, so sorry lover, forgive me father, i love you mother