I have a beautiful girlfriend. She would never hurt a fly. At least, she wouldn’t have until he tried to fuck her. This was before we met. She was about 14, her mom wasn’t home. He threw his 180lb body on top of her 90lb innocence. She tried to resist, which only fueled his want for her body. In her struggle, he broke her wrist in 3 places. She called the cops, only to drop charges. A few years ago, approximately 2 years ago, I had a best friend who I told everything to. I put my trust into. One day, one random day out […]
Little box, where are you now? Little box, have you gone to far away? Little box are you lost? Why is it so hard to keep a little box closed and hidden away from people that just want to hurt it. But little box want to be free to do what ever it want to do. But idk if i can let that happen again after all the little box it holds my heart in it. All the thoughts and pain, that i’ve have. Well that little box will be put some where save so no one, and i mean no one can have it […]
Well, waking up after nearly drinking myself to death, ive come to believe i need to make a choice. I’m not sure where these people go for a good mental health experience, but every time I talk to someone over 18 that has been, they almost unanimously praise it. Yet, when talking to an adolescent such as myself, I find the experiences to range from great to hellish. I’ve had friends who come out and say they had a fantastic experience with their hospitalization, and then there are those, like me, who probably need to go back but are afraid because of our last encounter. […]
Lets start from the beginning, I’ve been severely depressed since about six, when my parents got divorced, and my father comitted suicide when I was seven. I’m nineteen now and turn twenty on the first of May. I just recently found this site and read some stories, mostly about people more courageous than I that either lived or succeeded in escaping this hellish reality. Never really had any friends, started drinking at age sixteen and it made things slightly more bearable, and I was able to run from these feelings for a while. Recently they have re-surged, and I haven’t been able to hide them, […]
Maybe this post is irrelevant, but when has it ever mattered in the past. I’ve been on this site for a year and while I’m less depressed than I was, I’m still in the same damn boat I got on 3 and half years ago. I can’t believe it’s been so long. Time just flew by. I hardly noticed it’s passing. Days meld together and become a blur. I’ve aged in that time and yet I still feel like I belong in high school or something. Not because that’s my mentality, but, I don’t know what I mean. It’s just… that’s the last thing I […]
For 25 years I have been the subject to numerous human cruelties. I have been bullied, outcast, ignored, insulted, and abandoned. I have been demeaned and degraded in ways that make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. So often I was told of my failure and repugnance, that I have come to think of myself this way.
I have become the most complex person I know, or perhaps that is what I always was. I have become a paradox. My personality has been twisted and poisoned into a monstrosity. Always I have tried to be like them, to have a life like them, to be worthy of them, […]
6:40 AM, just finished my last cig to an awesome tune, Metric – Help I’m Alive (The Twelves Remix), so of course I got in the “life’s a bunch of crap” mood..
So what if I never woke up anymore? It’s not like world would have missed anything. I’m wasting myself, everyday, going deep into shit. It truly sucks to be 15 when you actually use your brain, when your hearth doesn’t just keep you alive but makes you feel. I’m different. I’ve been different since ever. What is wrong with people? What happened to love? Art, music, everything is getting more and more fucked up […]
i cant even bare the thought of living even a day longer. i have marks all over me from being abused…from my family and even from me. this is all just to much. i love to sleep cause its like suicide a trailer to it. and every trailer makes me wanna see it in full. just imagine. no one telling you to do anything no more worrying about if your loved (cause u would never know anymore) no drama..FREEDOM. this probably makes me sound lazy. im not though. i have to do everything for my family..so constant going places and doing chores. gahd. no. im […]
It’s a new year but I can tell its not going to be any better. It’s always been hard for me to fit in, it started on second grade. Stupid little girl made fun of me and did everything on her power to bring me down. Before the year was over I moved to another state but my self esteem was down enough to be made fun of constantly. It didnt help that my mom didnt make much money so i wore clothes from a thrift store.third grade new school new bullies ya I was really young but everyone hated me. By middle school we […]
Last September I knew something was wrong so I took a break from activities to focus on myself and that I’d be fine soon but now that it’s been a year I feel disappointed because I’m still depressed and I’m repeating the same cycle I went through months ago.Since today is New Years there’s a lot of resolutions being made I found myself making goals last month that I’d be cured by January but when it doesn’t happen you feel disappointed, from this experience I’ve learned that depression can’t just go away and that having high expectations can disappoint you when they fail.
I’m terrified.
Life gets too be too much every day, and I don’t know how much longer I can pretend. I pretend im okay all the time. I put up this façade in the hopes that maybe someone will see past it, but no one ever does.
My father died when I was eight, I cut myself, I’m anorexic and a lesbian. Basically, I’m a waste of space.
Im just done with life, but I’m terrified of dying.
Final Goodbyes.
Sitting here,
make-up streaks my face.
Knife to my wrist,
A 100 pills down.
Vomit on the floor,
sweat soaked shirt.
I want this to end,
I want to be free from this.
Slit my wrist,
one for the stupidity,
two for the pain,
three for the sleepless nights,
four for the tears.
Now the other,
five for the broken promises,
six for the stolen innocence,
seven for the abuse,
eight for the pleasure.
I don’t feel a thing,
as the blood gushes to the floor.
My heart stutters,
my breathing stops.
Goodbye is all that’s left,
written on the wall in blood.
Q: What was the worst mistake you’ve ever made?
A: Letting myself open my eyes this morning.
Well. Here I am, one year later, about to turn 14 on February.
If you’re wondering when, how and why the hoot I got her, my last post is here. http://suicideproject.org/2012/05/i-need-help-13/
Anyways, that aside, I thought I’d come here again, except this time, I have a few different reasons. (WARNING: Long post)
Last year, I was very antisocial, and I had almost no friends without counting the people I knew online, and I was very depressed. It hasn’t changed.
I’d been in the furry subculture since before I posted here last time. As you can imagine, I found the perverted side of the fandom very easily and almost as soon […]
So I’ve decided and now I’m finally at peace. It’s the only thing which actually makes the inner-turmoil stop. On my 25th birthday, I’m going to kill myself. I’ve always thought that my birthday would be a good day, mostly because when I see people’s headstones or dates of death, I always try and figure out how old they were. If you die on your birthday, you make it so much easier for people to do that,
This year is supposed to be a new year, new beginnings, etc but just because we add another digit to the year, doesn’t mean anything has changed or […]
new year, new start, more tears and broken hearts.more scars appear on my arm.
words,words, thats all they are of course i’m silly they can’t do harm
words, words, they feel like bricks
to the point I can’t take it.
you told me words were lies that words were just a trick, to you words were evil, and mostly shit. You say words.
and they are meaningless.
I’m done with this.
you, them, all of it.
I’m not listening! lalala! you speak words! blah blah blah! shut up, I dont care,
your game I play it’s not fair.
I’m leaving moving on.
Have fun […]
an update of my decisions, so at one time I can read my thoughts again..
this will be a funny text I think, with a lot of changing my mind:)
this is not a New years decision, it’s been in my head for a while. so, here it is, I have to live somehow for the sake of my parents, I can’t be selfish enough to kill myself while they’re thinking I am a young perspective person with a bright future ahead. I can’t put my ideas before their love, not right now when it’s not unbearable to live, but if it gets harder I might have […]
This is my secret account.
No one will ever know who I am and that brings a lot of comfort to me. No one would expect this  from me. I’m very obviously happy, but no one sees beyond my smile. My insides hurt. Please care. Please take the time to hear my story.
I’m screaming for a helping hand.
Sorry, I thought that would be allowed.
It is all around me. First, with Bryan Glenn, a kid at my school, whose body I was just a few yards away from discovering and now a murder suicide at my fathers work. It’s all we’ve been talking about, every dinner and every Sunday breakfast. None of family know that every time they bring the subject up I cringe and quickly touch my scars. They always talk about suicide prevention, how you have to notice the signs that your child or friend shows, yet they don’t notice mine. I’m fooling them, just like the depressed drunk with a crazy wife and ended up shooting […]