For 25 years I have been the subject to numerous human cruelties. I have been bullied, outcast, ignored, insulted, and abandoned. I have been demeaned and degraded in ways that make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. So often I was told of my failure and repugnance, that I have come to think of myself this way.
I have become the most complex person I know, or perhaps that is what I always was. I have become a paradox. My personality has been twisted and poisoned into a monstrosity. Always I have tried to be like them, to have a life like them, to be worthy of them, and their love.
I have been alone these many years. Every friend I had abandoned me, until I found the ones that are with me now, but how could they stay? How could I even imagine them being here tomorrow, because after all, it’s not as though I take part in their day to day lives. I am someone that they work with, or talk to online, or text occasionally. It has been so long since I have had any relationship closer than that.
Even to my family I am a black sheep. I am regarded with a benign neglect. I never really belonged among them. I find myself lost. I have no place among humans, and the thing that destroys me, more than anything else, is that I have never and will never be in a relationship with anyone.
Being a bisexual makes it hard enough, being considered closeted by gays, and confused by straight people. This being only a recent revelation to the world. For a long time it was easier to pursue women. I fell in love so many times, and never once got a chance to be loved.
25 years old, I have held hands with two people on two different occasions in my entire life. I have never had more than one date with anyone. Have never had my first kiss, and, if it isn’t obvious, I am a virgin. Over the last few years I had slowly fallen in love with a coworker, who I thought was my friend, and the first male I have ever loved so much in my life. I found out, that I was nothing to him. I was a mere acquaintance. I never told him my feelings, to protect him from feelings of guilt at my inevitable suicide.
I tried actively dating this last year, for the first time in my life. Much to my disappointment. Everyone I had an interest in, had no interest and me, and the opposite was always true. I had no experience telling someone else ‘no’. It is supposed to be me that is to be disgraced. I had never liked the idea of dating strangers, and preferred friendship first. I have found this to be impossible.
I have served humanity loyally all these many years. I sacrificed my needs, my well-being for them all this time, hoping that somehow I could become something deserving of love. Even now, I sacrifice and I sacrifice. I was supposed to die in November. This obviously didn’t happen. A friend told my family, and I nearly got hospitalized. I refused, adamantly. I have been on four different medications in six months, and seen a therapist, and will now have a psychiatrist. None of it has helped, because drugs can’t substitute love.
I have always been incredibly intelligent. My mind is constantly pounding with ideas and thoughts, many many trains of them, all racing. I can converse with many people at once via instant message. I understand extremely complex concepts. I have the great fortune of amazing creativity and artistic talent, on top of my perceptions and logic. It is a rare gift. It has allowed me to design new inventions, new philosophies, new economic systems, new languages, books, paintings, drawings, things that so few could be capable of. I have never made myself into the great person that I know I could be. A memorable person, who is renowned throughout history.
It might be laughable to imagine that some random person posting here could be capable of so much, but then, so many people throughout history, whose names we all remember, were no one particularly important for most of their lives. Without describing the hundreds of ideas I have had in my short life, and all the things that I have designed, invented, imagined, and thought up, there is no way to related exactly how true this is, and I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t absolutely believe it was true, because I see myself as the worst person alive. I have been taught to hate myself, in spite of my intelligence and absolute loving nature. I would have been the most devoted companion. I dare say that none could rival my loyalty and devotion. For my whole life, before was even pubescent, I had always felt a strong love for others, and a strong need for love to be returned.
How could I have been born with so much to offer, and be seen as something so minute and awful? Every idea I have had, everything that came from my effort, and research, and imagination, will be taken out of this world with me. Â There is no place for people like myself, among humans. We are just servants, to be used as tools, and then disposed of.
I have always did the best to care for those around me, and do as I was meant to, at my own expense. I have been left with this hole in my heart. This desperate need for love.
I have been on this desperate search to find that person, pushing my own deadline. I am to be 26 in three months. I decided after the November incident, that I would see if it was at all possible for me to be loved. If I could find just one relationship that lasts for several months, I might have hope to survive. Every day this becomes more bleak. I have been rejected time and time again. I am quickly finding my possibilities narrowing. There were two strange occasions when people, for no accountable reason, just deleted their accounts, leaving me devastated.
On the week of Christmas I signed up for another dating website. After much searching, I stumbled across this person, one who, to my surprise I had found on the first site that I’d signed up for. Wow, what a small world. This was amazing. I found his other profile. I started to read, and realized the reason that I had overlooked this person. We were such a great match. I mean, the best match I have found yet, based on all the information.
I saw that he had not been on since the 21st of December, and it was the 24th. I read all of his questions, and the answers he offered. I wondered how I could allow my cowardice to previously prevent my communication. He was even interested in my body type, not that I am massive, but I am not lean and beautiful like some people. As the last few days went by, I became more paranoid, as happens when I am allowed to think of every single possibility of the current situation on every future that could come to pass. The second profile of his led me to his old Myspace account. It took a few days of absolute obsession, but I found his Facebook, and an even more wonderful revelation.
Not only had he been on the internet since the 21st, and not checked either of his dating profiles, he was also friends with someone that I had met on there. I am no fool, I know that you can be just friends with someone off dating sites. Neither of these people had their profiles set as ‘seeing someone’, but both of them hadn’t been online for some time, and play WoW. Now, according to his profile, there would be no interest in this other person, but that means nothing, there are always exceptions.
I was enthralled with this boy, guy, man, whatever you would call him. He is 4 years my junior, but he has all the same needs, morals, and wants that I do. He even seems somewhat needy, and quite possessive, which made me even more interested, likely because I need co-dependence. I was so excited, and fearful. It wouldn’t have mattered either way, I am not good enough for the son of a doctor; for someone who has a social life, and grew up with a sense of self-esteem.
My point here isn’t that I became absolutely infatuated with a complete stranger, who I only knew as pictures, and information, and I know that I don’t love him, but the point was a realization that I had. Setting aside your judgments, that I hear coursing through my skull, reminding me why I am to die. I know that this level of stalking and obsession is wrong, and makes me a terrible person, but I was drawn to him instantly. Either way, I have my limits, and would never go any further than online, and the fact that I am to be dead in a few months makes it have no real effect on anything in the end. I realized that at every point in my life that I attempted to move away from my fate, I was brought crumbling to my knees.
I was never a believer in fate until the last couple days. I realized that I was meant to see this person, who I may have had a chance with if I had acted sooner, so that I could finally realize that I was never to be with anyone, I was always going to be in the wrong place, and was always to be the wrong person. There hasn’t been a day in my life, since elementary school, that I had not wanted to die. Even on the best of days.
How could you really disagree? My obsessive tendencies, though they have never had any negative effect on the life of another person, nor have they made me a danger to them, as I would never harm another person, unless I was trying to protect someone else. Even self protection wouldn’t cause me to act against another, because I am not worth protecting.
I see how my family and friends have been effected by my depression. I see what kind of a burden I am. I even see the amount of pain I will cause with my death. All of it just adds to my suffering. I want to help, not to harm, and they will not realize how much of a benefit it really is to them. I have no hope, no reason to continue, in spite of all my potential. I am completely without help, in spite of all the attempts that others have made to do so.
I will not say how I intend to do it, as per the rules of this site, but I will say that I will ensure that none but the proper authorities find me. I am waiting until I receive my tax return, and that, combined with the amount that I made working extra hours over the holiday season in preparation, I will have plenty to leave my family to afford my cremation and other services. I will be deleting everything I have ever written, or created, or done off of my computer and external devices. I am going to dispose of every paper I have ever written on, drawn on, painted on, or any other thing that I have created. I will leave only a suicide note detailing everything that absolutely must be known. That, and I am considering writing a life story, composed of several posts to follow this one.
In this way, I will die completely, and yet, I will have put something of myself out there. I desperately need to be understood, as much as loved, and that is why I will share this. It is absurd that I post any of this on here, for people that could care less that I even exist. I mean, I don’t mean anything to my closest circles, so why should any of you care? I wish that somehow I could find an answer in this world that made it possible for me to be happy, and live, but what none seem to understand is that some people are made to be miserable, are meant to be alone forever, are meant to die before their time.
I am a hopeful reincarnationist, and I have conceived of dozens of possible afterlives, and even the ones in which I no longer exist are better than this pain and suffering. This constant fear and loneliness. This isn’t even a fraction of a fraction of what I wish that I could share. And many millionths of a percent less than that, of what I have contained in my mind regarding this subject alone. I am not trying to be arrogant, or seek pity, or whatever it is that your judgments put on me. I am just a person who is incredibly screwed up, trying to survive, and knowing that I can’t.
I will be posting my life story henceforth, and then, the day that my last tax return is deposited, I will die. Until next time….
26 comments
WoundedSoul, you are a very interesting soul. I dare say that I may be able to rival your loyalty and devotion. 😉 But I cannot rival your intelligence. No judgements here on your infatuation with the guy you found online. I think it’s what most people would do if in your shoes. Or perhaps it’s just something I might do, ha. I don’t think it makes you a terrible person. You are desperate for a connection to someone, and you thought you might have found that person, so you went to considerable lengths to be sure. Even if you don’t contact this guy, I think you may have missed something important. Clearly you think of all options, but have you thought that coming across this guy was a bit of an eye opener, that there IS someone out there for you. It might not even be this particular person. But all hope is not lost, your compliment exists – he or she is out there somewhere. Unfortunately, because of how unique you are, they’re hard to find and it’s taking so long and too much heartache. I don’t think you should give up. I think you should keep trying. Contact this guy. Or expand your search. But don’t despair. I think you deserve to have love, and to be loved in return. I don’t think you should end your life until you experience that. You’re worth it. I care, and I look forward to your future posts. 🙂
I appreciate that. I contacted him days ago. I assume he is seeing someone, as he has not bothered to check either of the two sites. It is irrelevant in fact. I understand what you are saying. There are 7 billion people in the world. I live in a valley with over 1 million of those people. I am bisexual, which means that, in theory, my options are significantly greater than most, but not one time have I ever been in a relationship. I am a difficult person to spend long periods of time with, I guess. I am like a rare plant or pet, that takes a lot of very specific, and time consuming care. The problem is, that I am not a plant or pet that is really worth all that effort, and it’s not fair, either way, for me to put all of that on anyone. I have created a mock up in my mind of all the variables, and possibilities, and in the grand scheme of things, 7 billion, is likely to be a number far too small to expect a match. If I were to do the math, with every given variable, I would say somewhere in the 1/100 billions, maybe worse than that. It’s unknowable really. I agree with my friend on that fact, but what is knowable, is that tomorrow I will be alone, and tomorrow I will feel worse than today. And tomorrow I will continue to think about every little tiny detail of this universe, from it’s very smallest parts that make atoms seem like galaxies, to things so large that they make this universe seem like a dot in space and time. The last couple days I have only left my bed to come to the computer for this kind, and to check my accounts, and then crawled back into bed. I have had 3 small meals in 2 and a half days. I have no interest in eating all, in fact. The pain gets stronger and stronger, and no amount of talking, or antidepressants seem to have any effect at all. As I mentioned, I have thought of what is after all of this, this life, this meaningless existence. I could tell you a thousand different possibilities, and most of them are better than this. I have realized that, in the end, I am suffering unnecessarily, because outside of this life, is just another life waiting to be had, and I might have a chance at something decent, or perhaps even good.
I never understood this human fear of mortality. The fear of pain I understand, but mortality is just a fact, and I do not fear it. In this case, maybe it is more the fear of loss. Or perhaps the fear of guilt. I play no significant role in the lives of anyone around me, but when I do this, they will feel guilt, for no particular reason. They will feel as though they could have stopped something terrible from happening, but the truth is, this is not a terrible thing, and no one can prevent it. I suppose, to some small degree, they will feel loss, but how is it different than if I moved away, and never contacted them again? Somehow that is preferable to someone dying. I don’t see the difference myself. When I lose someone from my life, it feels as though they have died, because I will never see them again, even though they are out there in the world, still. They always tell me that it’s selfish, and I don’t disagree, that is exactly what it is, but what no one ever discusses is how selfish it is to expect someone to live in pain, so that you don’t feel pain yourself. It is no more or less selfish. We are all inclined to protect our self interest in some ways. I have given up so much of this protection for other people, and so, when I do this, I feel that I deserve one small thing. And I should feel no guilt, though I do feel it in the extreme, because I have felt the pain that they might feel, for so many years it has plagued my life, so I am not asking of them anything that I haven’t already asked of myself. I have actually waited a long time, patiently for this, so that my Mom could make it through school, and so that I didn’t ruin the holidays, and a number of other such things. I am, even now, waiting to receive my tax refund, so that I can leave them as much money as I can.
I have tried every day to take care of other people, and look out for their needs, so this time, I look out for mine, in the form of death. That is one thing that I wish that I could help them to understand, for me, this is a blessing. This will be the best thing that has ever happened in my life. And it will save them so much burden and annoyance. It will pay off ten fold, but they can’t see that. I have weighed so many variables, and this is the only solution that works in the very best interest of all parties.
I have two people who want to meet me this weekend, but I think I will blow them off, because they don’t need this kind of difficulty in their lives, and I am not particularly interested in having to dash their hopes. One I am only interested in as a friend, and the other, I don’t even know, he just asked me out right away. It’s all just absurd. I don’t think anyone really considers how absurd life as a human is. I don’t think that it has to be. I think that life as a human could be an extremely meaningful and wonderful thing, but it has become a thing of such astounding absurdity. The way the average person goes about everything in their day to day lives just astounds me. I just never had a place among them. We are of two very different breeds, them and I…..
I don’t really know where I am going with all of this, it is just a rant as well. I suppose that the fact of it, is that I don’t have any way to let out all these things that are built up inside me, and even with all of this writing, there is no way to relate even to a percentage of accuracy how I perceive the world. I think that is the most hurtful thing about this experience, I desperately want to understand these people for who they are, and they judge me with such superficiality, based on a few messages, maybe a week or two of knowing one another. I have taken all of these 25 years and have only the basest of grasps on who I am, and they think they understand me in a fortnight. It is an unjust world, and I guess I will leave it at that.
Hey woundedsoul,
I hate seeing minds and souls like you in this page. But. Well you said that you have so much to offer so dont leave now. And also you wrote that all the people in history are important only for a while. It’s true but same time all people leave something behind. Something that keeps them in historybooks for many generations. I think it’s something, to inspired by those people, to survive because they did it too. I dont know. I think they are important.
I agree with you on many things you wrote. It seems to me that almost all people are selfish nowadays. I dont know if it’s because of our need to survive because when you dont care and live in your own little soap bubble, the life is easier. But then there are people who care. And its hard to care, because then you think of pleasing everyone else and you are still left with your own problems. Its unfair world. But sometimes you cam find that another person just the one for you.
I’m sorry that you ended up in bad relationships. But there are 7 000 000 000 persons out here and you’re 25 you could still happiness a chance, either alone or with someone.
Saph,
I wish it were so. I have tried to see it as possible. I foolishly told a friend tonight what is going to happen. He had already talked to me about it, and I am afraid that he is going to have be put in the hospital. If it comes down to it, it will only hasten things. The thing that everyone fails to realize is the limits that there are in this world for some people. Some people cannot walk. Some people cannot hear. Some people cannot see. Some people cannot be loved. If I were to walk someone through just one simple version of what is the reality for myself, maybe you would understand. Hell, let’s imagine for a second that out of 7 billion people, that one fifth of them are elderly, and one quarter of them are children and teenagers, then we start to take into account all the major difference that can be limiting: religion, I am not religious, and many religious people will not consider me, in spite of our moral similarities; sexuality, roughly half of the people are male, and a majority are straight, then there are lesbians, these are all people that are incompatible; then we consider attractiveness, I am mediocre at best, and so that limits me again to people around my range of attractiveness…. These are just a few of the millions of variables that exist, preventing me from what I need more than anything. If there was such a person that could be compatible, what if they were 5 or 95? Every day that passes, I become a less desirable mate. I become less capable of having an actual relationship with anyone.
I don’t fear that I won’t accomplish anything. Wealth, power, greatness, these are easily within grasp for any who truly wish for them, but they are pointless. Love is the only thing in the world that matters to me. I only see one person right now that could possibly be compatible with me, and he won’t get on his profile, or respond to me. It is likely he is in a relationship with this other guy who I met on there. I was too late, I wasn’t the right person, I am not meant for this. It is fate showing me that death is the only thing for me. I have been hurting over the last year, because someone I loved dearly abandoned me, and since, two people who I thought were decent prospects deleted their profiles, presumably to avoid me, but who knows? And now this last one. This one best hope, it was a wake up call. All my life I had wanted, and tried to have this thing. I was always a freak among humans, and now I know that this will never be.
I know everyone wants to help, and has the best of intentions. I know everyone thinks that death is wrong, but since I am wrong, death seems fitting, either way. I don’t really know why I feel compelled to talk about this with people, knowing that none of it will help, because I have the strongest of wills and will not be talked down. I think it’s the fact that I have to wait so long, to get as much money as I can for my parents, but I am tired of waiting, and tired of pain, and I can’t keep on like this. I wish that it could be today. I wish it could be this instant. Because of my friend, I had to concern myself with the real possibility that today might be the day, and I was scared, but I would have done it if it came to it, because it is already done.
Woundedsoul,
I do think death is very good alternative if there’s nothing else. But for now I want to be here and see if it gets better. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Some Roman soldier said once that it’s one life. That makes sense to me. Because he meant (probably) that he only had to suffer one lifetime. I dont know. Death is just so infinite to me as I dont believe neither in God nor in reincarnation.
Also, I think you shouldn’t think to much about the statistics. I read much. Like very much. And I want someone who’s reading much to share my life with but people dont read much. And like you said, only half of the population are men and maybe half of them are in the right age group and so on. It’s kind of depressing to think what’s limiting your options. You should think in stead that you’re clever, you seem very nice and caring person and other things that are good in you. You knows. Maybe you deserve something better than that profile in internet who doesn’t even answer you.
People are trying to find love all their love. Its the worlds favorite movies, Sex and the city and what else is there.
Then if you end up in hospitale because of your friend I think it tells how much he cares. I mean that I wouldn’t probably know what to do in this situation and maybe I didn’t know how to help and then I would turn to professional. People always seek help from professionals, from doctors, police, car mechanics rather than fixing the issue by themselves.
I’m kind of selfish maybe, but I dont want you to die not that I think it’s “evil” to die but because I think you haven’t still tried enough. That you haven’t served long enough as that meaningful tool that could be a part of something bigger. Or maybe I’m just selfish like I said.
Hi WoundedSoul, I’m sorry I didn’t comment you sooner. I wanted to think about a reply to you, since I felt like my comment to you last night left something to be desired. I first want to say that, in the end, the decision is completely yours to make whether you take your life or not. I am aware of that and I won’t try to stop you if that’s what you truly want. I will only wish you peace. For now, maybe I and others on this site can give you another perspective to consider. I think it’s good that you’re writing and letting it all out here. I know what it’s like to bottle things up and not have an outlet. To be stuck with your thoughts and alone and in pain. I’ve been abandoned and hurt too. I’m 21 years old, by the way. I never talk about my relationship status on here or ever get too personal, but I will tell you that I am also a virgin and I don’t plan on losing my virginity anytime soon. I’ve always had trouble trying to find that one person who really understood me, and I never did. Not until last year, I found him, but he lives thousands of miles away. It was only when I had completely given up hope of ever finding love or even having a really good friend that our paths crossed. Before that, before I had given up hope, I never cared much about relationships or love… I was “weird”. I wasn’t like my peers at school. I only had a couple of close friends. After school ended my two close “friends” abandoned me completely when I needed them most. I was sinking further into depression and they left me. They left me to rot and they left me thinking it was all my fault. When you said that when you lose someone from your life it feels as though they have died… I know exactly what you mean, because I’ve experienced it too. You grieve them. For myself, I am just starting to end that process. And my friends abandoned me at the end of 2010. After they left I was all alone, with my thoughts. And my thoughts ate away at me. I convinced myself that everything was my fault, that no one would want someone like me, because I was a pathetic loser; they were right, I was just weird. When I got to my lowest and wanted to commit suicide, I found this site. Coincidentally, I found two people with whom I relate to the most here. They changed my outlook for the better.
After a long time I realized I wasn’t abandoned because I was weird or because I did something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with me at all. I won’t say if something is ‘wrong’ with my old friends, maybe or maybe not. It doesn’t really matter, anyway. As far as I can see now, they did me a service. It wasn’t meant to be, and truth be told, they probably would have dragged me down. If they were true friends in the first place, they wouldn’t have abandoned me. What am I getting at with this long winded speech? There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, Wounded Soul. I know that I don’t even know you, but I can tell that there’s nothing wrong with you. You just haven’t come across the right person for you. The fact that any of these prospects aren’t working out for you doesn’t reflect any kind of shortcomings you may have, and it certainly isn’t fate telling you that death is the only answer. If anything, fate is letting you know that it wasn’t meant to be. Unfortunately, fate doesn’t realize it’s hurting you so much to not have found the person you seek.
One thing that I can see you doing is over thinking everything. Clearly it’s part of your personality, just like your iron will. Remember, though, it’s good to get another perspective every now and again. You are unique in your way, but someone else might be unique in their way and you each can give the other something you both lack. I think you may be placing possible prospects into limiting variables in the same way that others may be doing the same to you. Don’t get so caught up in the idea of finding the perfect match that you end up overlooking someone. And don’t get hung up on having them match your personality exactly. It’s as I said before, we’re all unique in our own way and someone might not be able to match you exactly, but they can most likely complement you. That aside, I do think you should give yourself more time to find someone. In your OP you said that you always preferred friendship first instead of dating strangers; I sympathize with you there. I am the same way. I wonder if perhaps one reason online dating isn’t working out for you is because it’s not what you’re comfortable with. Love isn’t something you can rush. I think you’re at a point now where you want it so badly that you might expect it to sort of materialize by doing such intense searching for “the one”. Love has to happen naturally, which means it may take some time. You have to be willing to allow yourself and someone else that time for deep feelings to develop. It can happen for you, but if you give up now, you won’t know what could have been.
You could tell me a thousand different possibilities for an afterlife that are better than this existence, yes. Though, if I may counter that, you can’t know for sure what will happen after your death. So what would be the point of coming up with so many possibilities for an uncertain future? Not only that – focusing so much on imagined possibilities instead of taking a chance or making a choice, and living out that choice in your known possibility; your present. You told your friend what you might do something because you were scared, which means a part of you is unsure about ending your life. We all have that part in us. The instinct to live. If you had a choice between death and a painless existence here, what would you choose? Most people don’t want death, they just want their pain to cease. That’s why I’m asking you. The unfortunate reality is that this existence comes with pain. But without pain would we know comfort? Without sadness would we know joy? It may sound strange, but sometimes pain is a blessing in disguise. It gives you depth, and also the capacity for great love and empathy.
Just some things for you to ponder while you’re still with us, WoundedSoul.
TheGoodGirl and Saph,
I appreciate what you are both trying to do, and I must admit, it’s nice to be able to talk to someone who is actually interested in listening, for once. It’s a rare thing for me. Most people listen out of obligation or because they are getting paid a ridiculous amount of money to do so. I really have heard these positions before, and unfortunately, I am pretty set. Last night, after the scare my friend gave me, I almost made last night the last night of my life. I am considering very seriously making today the last day, or tomorrow. I just got back from the Psychiatrist, and now I am on another billion milligrams of who the hell knows what. I won’t disagree that there is a part of me that wants to live, but there has always been a war in me, because there are so many options and obligations, and trying to do everything all the time, and all at once, is impossible. I don’t want to live, and this conscious thought, that was derived at from a very careful consideration of decades worth of experiences, and I must accomplish it. I have been a coward for too long. I have cried wolf once already, I am not going to be some pitiful, disgusting, weak, fool anymore. And ironically, the act itself is a form of weakness, but it is a weakness that I don’t have to live with. I like to imagine that it is like the Samurai; When a Samurai has failed completely, he loses all of his honor, and the only way that he can regain even the smallest bit of honor, is to commit Seppuku.
I feel that I have exhibited greater strength and patience than anyone I know, in a lot of ways, but it doesn’t come across that way. You see, even in this, my inner conflict is apparent, one moment I talk about my unending weakness, and then I praise myself for my strength. But I think that it’s both. I have been strong in dealing with my weakness. I have survived more pain than most will likely know in their lifetime. Sure, I don’t disagree, there are many people out there that are much worse off than me, and that are much stronger than I am, but our ability to tolerate our circumstances is subjective. One may not tolerate hunger well, whereas, another might tolerate it quite easily, but that same person may have a much lower tolerance for loneliness and emotional turmoil, where the first could deal with it easily. I have spend 85-90% of my entire life, completely alone. Just me, and my thoughts, and I have come to think that I have many times more thoughts than most. Who knows, I have no frame of reference to how much others think, but they certainly don’t know that much, and often have very little worth saying, so I come to wonder if some people have more active minds than others, and that I am one of them. This gift has become my very own personal hell.
As for the dating, I have been considering every possible choice that is available. I have found this to be an equally bad choice. I have had one instance where, after a first date, one man wanted to make our ‘relationship’ official, and move on to the physical stages of the relationship. I told him that we should wait until feelings develop, but he didn’t take the hint, and then our last conversation, I told him that I didn’t have the same feelings for him, and he told me that I led him on, even though I told him what was up. It’s just insane. And so, while, I could easily just start a relationship with any old willing person, and hope that feelings develop, it’s not fair to the other person if they don’t, and I was this great amount of their time. On the converse side, I wish someone would give me a chance, so there is this awesome double-edged sword, situation going on. All in all, I have had a very different life than anyone I know. There is one friend that might be in the same boat that I am in, and even that is not certain. My point is, I don’t know one 25 year old person that has never, not one time, been in a relationship longer than one date. I don’t know anyone my age that has never had their first kiss.
Even now, my obsession, depression, and paranoia, are consuming me. I am still cyber-stalking someone who literally has no idea I exist. I mean, he hasn’t logged into his profile since before I messaged him, so he doesn’t even know I messaged him. And every piece of information just keeps pointing to the fact that he was just some kind of horrendous taunt from on high. I can’t even bring myself to look anymore at other profiles, trying to find someone that could possibly be compatible. Everyone I have ever pursued has rejected me, most of the people that pursued me rejected me, and the rest, there just simply wasn’t enough compatibility to make it possible. And there is no reason for me to expect someone to tolerate all my issues. First, there is the extreme depression, and not only would no one want to deal with it, but it’s not fair of me to expect that or bring someone else into it, because there is so much damage and hurt that would have to be dealt with. And then their is my eccentricities, when I am not all screwed up and depressed, which isn’t often any more, I am boisterous, obnoxious, loud, passionate, extreme, and always rambling about some new idea, principle, fact, or ridiculous, irrelevant sciency, or artistic bullshit that I am working on. I have extreme changes in sleeping habits. And there is a list of other things that would make being with me impossible. And then there is the fact that I have no relationship skills in the slightest. I can’t make it through a first date, much less through the first kiss, and sex, now that is just too difficult for me to imagine how that could possibly play out. Lastly, imagine that I have a relationship, and I fall absolutely in love, but the other person breaks it off, I will absolutely want to kill myself, but I wouldn’t be able to, because I can’t put that kind of guilt on their conscience, but I wouldn’t have a reason to live, either.
No, there is nothing in this world for me. Death might be uncertain, but it is an uncertainty I am willing to explore. I know what is in this life, and I know what to expect from it, but death has so many more possibilities. Maybe I would just cease to exist, and that would be great, I wouldn’t know pain ever again, nor would I feel guilt, or shame. Every terrible thing I have had to deal with my entire life would be gone. And then there are things like Solipsism, and the skeptical theory, which make this prison seem even more ridiculous. That’s all this is, a prison, and I am a slave. I am a tool, and I am to do exactly as I am supposed to. My entire life, quite literally, is a service to others. I am alive right now, so that I don’t hurt people emotionally, and so that I can leave enough money behind. I go to the therapist and the psychiatrist for other people. I take pills every day, for other people. I go to work, for other people. I don’t need any of these things.
I guess I will go back to bed again before work. I don’t want to leave my bed anymore, really. Just sleep through the pain.
Woundedsoul,
You know some web pages send notification of the message you have sent to them. And sometimes people just have troubles and they leave internet out. Sometimes they dont even answer straight away because they might want to answer with time. All kinds of stuff. Maybe send him another message, I mean you’ve got nothing to loose, right.
I dont think you have any issues. I think you’re perfectly normal, maybe only slightly more philosophical and clever.
Many people have problems and issues. Some are just types who socialize a lot and smile a lot and are still depressed. There are people who stay home because of depression. There are people who stay home alone and are perfectly happy. So there’s many kind of us. I just dont think any of those things ruin a relationship or whatever else.
And just another idea, if you hate working for others, maybe you could start your own company or something.
I’m kind of afraid of what you have decided because I’m pretty sure that this will be me in five years. But whatever you have decided/will decide I hope you find happiness in this life or in next incarnation of your soul and that you’ll find someone to love and that there won’t be any pain.
Saph,
Well, because of the position I put my friend in, and careful consideration, I have decided that, I am not going to commit suicide, for now. I would still very much like to, but I can’t do that to him. In answer to that thing about him not getting the messages, it may not have sent him an email, or it may have, but either way, he has not been on either of the dating sites that he is on since the 21st. I have already messaged him twice on one, and I feel that anything exceeding that would be over doing it. Next, his Facebook status was set to married with his friend, just for the hell of it, but just today, he set it to ‘single’, which leads me to believe he is opening that spot up for someone specific. In the end, it doesn’t matter. I am going to kind of sideline all of that for now, since I have to stay alive, I have to start focusing on the path that I was supposed to be on. Of course, to most, this path seems insane, and they wouldn’t understand until they see that I can accomplish it.
It’s just busy work to me, but it will benefit a great many people. The problem is, that once I start down this path, I cannot have my family. It’s one of those, you can’t have everything, kind of situations. I had to make a choice, but obviously, love and family are not for me. I am going to have to work hard to get through this mental crap, and my friends are going to help me. It is one of those things that might lead to my ultimate demise anyway, so there are some things about it to look forward to, but love is not one of them. It would have been very nice if this person, or the last person, or someone before that, had been the one, or had given me a chance, or that I had been in the right place at the right time, but these are not things that were meant to be. I was never a believer in fate, because I understand many of the principles of physics that govern the universe that we live in, and if we are right, then fate doesn’t exist, but then, everything seems to be working in a certain pattern, so I am not sure what to make of it.
Some people get to be selfish, and people like myself have to be selfless to allow for that, because it is impossible for the entire world to be filled with selfish people. So, now I have to undertake my grand, selfless task. I will keep posting on here, because I will still need to maintain my mental well-being, keep me stable enough to be of help to others.
🙂 take care
I just needed to talk to someone who is hopefully listening. I don’t really have anyone to talk to, especially, anyone that understands, in fullness, the things that are going on in my life. It is much easier to talk on this format, where I can speak without crumbling and losing myself in some stupid rhetoric, forgetting entirely the important points of what I wanted to discuss. I am still having problems. I mean, it’s not like a switch went on in my brain where everything became wonderful. I made the choice that I did, purely to protect a friend, but if things continue as they do, regardless of the accomplishments I make in this next year, when I start my business, I will likely return to where I was just a few days ago.
I am at a loss at understanding these people. Maybe the internet dating was a terrible idea, because they do not allow for an accurate account of who I am. Hell, even if they did, I am just not the kind of person that people understand or want to have in their immediate life, and no one wants to even try to understand or work out a miscommunication, which I seem to have often, and can’t figure out. I am getting to the point where I just want to quit all of it. I have no future with people. Oh, of course, if I do succeed in all of my works, they will flock to me, because I will have money, or nice things, or influence, or whatever. It’s ridiculous. There is no point to life as a human. I thought that love existed, but I am beginning to think that it is just an agreement between two people who can stand being around each other, to have sex occasionally, and share some responsibilities. It is so asinine. I still haven’t seen nor heard from that one guy. I hit it off with another guy last night, but of course, somehow, I said the wrong thing, and he won’t message me back.
I don’t understand why everyone else is so invested in my survival. I have no meaning to the world of humans, and my life among them will always be lacking. I wonder constantly how a universe like this can exist. It can’t be the subject of a creator, or at least not one that planned everything out, because why would you plan on some people having what they need and others not? I can’t make any sense of it. I can keep pushing forward and doing all these grandiose things that I am going to work towards, but I don’t understand the purpose. My father was talking to me today, and he clearly has no understanding of what I am going through, nor any empathy. He sees it his way, and I should see it his way because he is right. But this is just not true.
I could go tomorrow and off myself. No big deal. It doesn’t really matter. I mean, would I even remember this world, or have any recollection of the pain and difficulty that it would bring to lives of others? I know this is selfish thinking, but people treat me pretty damn selfishly. I just have to submit to everyone’s wants and desires, while everything that I need is just cast aside. Sure, this would change if I became successful, but it would change for the wrong reasons. Maybe that’s just what humanity is, just a bunch of selfish, stupid, children, who attach leech off of the people that they look down on, and idolize those who have influence and material possessions. It is petulant to say the least. I want so much to just go die, I really do.
My goals are insane to most, anyway, but they lack vision, will power, and determination. I am crazy, because the majority dictates. I just cannot understand what I did to deserve this punishment. Why was I put on this world, with these people, at this time, under these circumstances? And then, of course, I am such a moral person, so I can’t even just take whatever I want, which I am entirely capable of. I am incredibly good at manipulating people, and if it came to it, I could probably get someone into bed rather easily, but I had to have morals, and I had to want something so unattainable.
Maybe I should have the means available, so one day, if the urge strikes, I end it all quickly, without a moments thought, instead of waiting for some magical alignment of the stars. I hate that my 26th birthday is coming up, and that it will be a landmark of my inability to be human, and belong as one. I have no idea how my friend Chris tolerated it, being older than I am, and in the same situation, but I just can’t. There is nothing more important in the universe, and I just get to be overlooked. Life is cruel, and unfair, and people just accept that fact. Their acceptance of it, is what fuels it, perpetuates it indefinitely. When I try to deny this, and refuse to accept it, they rebuke me. They put me in my place. They insure that I know where I am to stay, like a beaten dog, I cower before them. I hate the fact that, like a beaten dog, I am also the most dangerous of pets, because I do have pent up rage, that longs to escape. Sometimes I fear it, because of the fact that it is part of me, and so I want to let it out, and act upon it, but I can’t. I have no way to release all the rage, and I turn it in on myself. After all, I am the one who is the problem. I am in the extreme minority, which means that, either I am right, and good, and worthwhile, or 99.99% of the rest of humanity are right, and good, and worthwhile. It can’t be both, and it is likely that I am the disgusting, foul, and loathsome one. There are so many reasons to hate myself, and so many reasons that I should be put down, euthanized, exterminated.
And why should I bring my ideas into this world? Why should I give humanity great tools, with which they WILL do great evil? I cannot imagine anything better could come of this young and foolish species. They may be better than me, but that doesn’t make them perfect. They would destroy themselves, and I can invent things, give them ideas, or even lead them to do it, and that is not what I want. I just want love, but they want power, and I am supposed to bring that to them, and expect nothing in return, for they will give me nothing.
This is my bleak view of the world, even on the best of days, because that is exactly how it is. In the tens of thousands of years that humans have been intelligent, we have learned nothing.
I also imagine, quite often, the many skeptical theories. What if I am the only one that exists, and everything else is a simulation, or an illusion, some fabrication created by me or for me, and that I, or some grand designer, have trapped me here. This could easily be a prison of illusion. Much like the matrix. The question also crosses my mind, that we could have been created only an instant ago, and every single memory and understanding we have from before now could possibly be a fabrication, and there is no reason we would doubt our own minds. Why should we? In the same way that a schizophrenic might not doubt the things that he/she sees, hears, or interacts with, that are unapparent to the rest of the world. I know these are unlikely scenarios, and others would likely find me insane for even conceiving them, but then so are the dozens of philosophers that have wondered many of the same things.
I don’t know, I mean, that was part of my desire in having a partner, was someone that I could explain all the many things I conceive and perceive, and get another perspective, and just have someone that will always be there to help me with all these many things, but there is no such person. It would seem more a chore than an activity in which I am intimately baring my soul to them, and I would love for them to do the same for me. I would be elated to find someone who wanted to share all of their inner most demons with me. Everyone is so guarded, untrusting, and unforgiving.
WoundedSoul,
Not that it helps much, but I’m here to listen for now.
I think you didn’t stay only for your friend. People have families and friends and still they go. It’s not question of protection.
I don’t think that people who have miscommunication with you don’t deserve you. Whatever the issues are you should be able to talk about them to whomever. Isn’t it cowardish to not to answer to someone’s message because of miscommunication. Or maybe it’s about protecting ourselves. I don’t know. I think you should get knowing people in real life instead of online dating. I mean online dating is again easier solutin than actually to know someone enough.
If you ask me, what’s meaning in life. There isn’t one. Every individual has one’s own meaning about/ in life. What comes to love, we all love ideas of finding someone that we would love, we alll love sappy movies, books, novels, music and the whole lovetriangle of Erich Fromm, but isn’t it like that. It’s more like, first someone you love, then someone you can be friends with and learn to share your life with.
My theory is, well evolution theory doesn’t need explainnig. According to it Big bang and then life happens. There’s no other than that. If you think someone created us, that it was a plan. Well children create all the time. They draw, they make legos. Some of their creations crumbles down immediately. So plans are everywhere. Not all of them have any logic.
Of course, so you’ve never tried manipulating someone to bed? It’s not question of your morals. Your morals is silly thing of things you believe is right or wrong. We all have our own, I gues.s.
Maybe you should have the means available. I don’t think that’s the issue. People have guns home, they have knifes home, they have saws home, they have pills at home, they have different chemicals at home, they have cars so it’s not the issue whether you have the means or not. It’s question more of how you want to leave. There’s no just magical way to end it. In countries where euthanasia is legal there are still suicidal people.
Also , none of us accept the fact the world isr cuel. But not all of us want to end it. The idea that all of us were here just to tolerate the cruel world is ridiculous thought. Maybe you’re little selfish here? Some people find happiness, some don’t.
Why there’s no release? Have you tried? There’s sports and talking and then making the world better by helping ones close to you.
I don’t either think you’re 99,99% percent of something. Okay yes, if you want to be individualist, you are one very unique person in your own way just likebthe 6 000 000 099 of us. But you’re not alone with your thoughts nor your set of mind.
I think you should bring your ideas to this world. If the myth is true and we only use 10% of our brains, we have survived pretty well. You know Einstein said once that “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
Besides, don’t you think then that we should get rid of humans. Every person can be born to destroy the rest of us. It’s the risk we take.
I think we’we learned lot. We even made into space after centuries of trying.
We live better (some of us), in western countries we don’t have get married when 15 and die of some funny infection when we are 40. Sicknesses are cured all the time. We can have sites like this. I don’t know whether this all is for better all not. But we have learned lot.
Of course you will find someone to share your life with. But it’s so much easier not try. Because when you try you might fail, you might fail once twice…in fact you might never succeed. But I think it’s better to try once more, in stead of thinking that I’m not good for anything. I mean how would you know that without trying.
Also, I think everyone is guarded, untrusting and unforgiving for reason. It’s so much easier. When you trust, you pay for it. When you forgive, people use you. If you’re guarded, you won’t get hurt.
Or so we think.
Because we want to be happy and trust and give our everything. It’s life.
Saph
Today was an interesting day. It started at about 1pm when I had a date, that lasted for about 12 hours of lunch, a movie, going to the store, and just generally hanging out. It was a very fun date, and we got along very well. The disturbing thing for me, was the fact that I was still thinking about that guy. I got home and found that the most awesomely terrible thing had actually happened. He had finally come online. He had finally read my messages, and checked out my profile. And then he decided not to reply. I was instantly crushed, after being elated from a good day. I really don’t believe that I am ever going to match up with anyone. That there is a compliment to my insanity. Everyone tells me that I just want what I can’t have, but I really don’t believe that to be true. I think that it is merely coincidence that what I can’t have is also what I really want, in the case of people I am interested in. Of course, if I was a more worthwhile person I could have them. I don’t understand really why I can’t have them, and hence how it is that I want that I can’t have. I had no idea of knowing that I couldn’t have him. He isn’t a supermodel or anything. I guess, the fact is that everyone is out of my league.
I have the feelings that even that girl wants to just be friends. I have to keep myself from suicide to protect my friend, but I want it more than anything. If I stay here, I have to become wealthy and powerful, just to have something close to what I really want, because no one is going to want me for me. My uniqueness is such that it isn’t really feasible that I am even alive as a person. I should not exist. My own nature contradicts itself absolutely. Maybe it isn’t the people that I choose that are the thing that I can’t have, but the actual love itself, and that is why I am after it.
I am going to be buying my means soon, because I want to have it available for that time when I am absolutely sure, and I can act spontaneously, without the fear of ruining it. I wish that I could protect my friend, but I am likely to kill myself. I am trying to be ambitious, and put my mind to work on all my projects again, but it really is that I won’t ever have that person. I am poison. I want to scream most of the time. I want to cry, and get help, but nothing helps, because in the end, I am completely alone. I am never going to get to know someone on every most intimate level.
I need it so bad, and it is something I can’t have. It does make me vicious. It makes me want to take from people, the things that I want. I can’t take love, though, and I wish so much that I could. I get depressed and have all these terrible thoughts. My anger at being created as such a disgusting creature makes me angry, and I start to think about harming people, and forcing them to do as I want. In my head I become this tyrannical maniac. I want to enslave people, and take out my anger on them, and take from them everything that I want. It is such evil, but it happens in my head. And then it comes full circle, because I end up back at wanting to kill myself.
I don’t think people even take me seriously. No one has ever truly acknowledged what I am capable of. They look at me as some foolish, idealist, day-dreamer. I don’t doubt my capabilities. I fear them, though, because in spite of all the amazing things that I could bring to the world, I might be controlled by the anger that would make me act as a villain.
I am also a fan of self-mutilation. I used to cut, but I have always wanted to abuse my body in such ways, that to describe them would shock anyone. I wanted to start studying prosthetics, cybernetics, and plastic surgery, and go so far as to actually perform amateur surgeries on myself. An example is my desire to be taller. I am only 5’6″, and I hate it. I think about opening my legs and arms, and cracking each bone and using steel or titanium rods to extend them in the right proportions, and then, the tricky one, extending my own spine without paralyzing myself. I am crazy enough to risk these insane procedures. I think about removing the skin on my face and then fusing a perfectly sculpted, highly polished, steel mask to my face. I think about ways to destroy my body all the time. I even think of cutting myself open and removing my own heart.
I think that this is probably a serious illness that I have, but I go about my day as if I am normal. No one really thinks twice, unless I tell them, and in a lot of ways I have been begging people to care. I can’t ask for help. I have spent so long being trained that I am unworthy of anything, that I cannot ask for help. I don’t deserve the help, and I am not worth helping. I desperately want it, though. A companion would have been everything. I could just be, and for once be taken care of, and understood. I would be so good to my significant other. I keep trying, but I really don’t think that the chances are any higher from trying, than they are if I just lie in my bed and never move again.
There is also the fact that I am so extremely sexually frustrated. Part of me just wants to have random sex, but I have a very strong morality. My morality is very important to me. It’s something that is tied into my being, and if I were to betray my morality, it would tear me apart inside, because I could never undo it. I regret so much, and so strongly. I have tons of guilt. A am always filled with shame.
I have a feeling that my death will still happen on schedule. It is very unlikely that I will turn 26. I think that my morality and rules will degrade by then. I am slowly acting more and more recklessly. Sometimes in extremely dangerous ways. I have no idea how far this will go, how many acts of depravity I will commit before I take my life. All I wanted was to be the best possible person, and be the best part of someone else’s life. I just become worse and worse, and am no part of anyone’s life.
Woundedsoul,
Why not give a chance to your date today? I mean if you had fun time with that person you should try it out again. Also, maybe the online person just didn’t simply have time to answer you, I mean if he checked your profile he must be somewhat interested. And it’s impossible to be happy all the time. No one is happy all the time. We all have ups and down in our life.
You just haven’t found the irght person dor you yet.
Hey, really. Don’t say that. I’m very sure that your special unique person is maybe going trough same problem and maybe that’s why you haven’t found the one yet.
I don’t know whether I should be happy woth you buying means or not. I am if it is what makes you comfortable. But I think you should pick a date, when you do it. And if you don’t do it then, thhen you have made your choice to stay. So you won’t be troubled of rest of your life thinking about it and never finding happiness.
You know, all want love.
We all search for love. I don’t think you are vicious person because you want to be loved. I think you should maybe go travelling or something and really give love a try. And what happens in your head doesn’t count. What counts is whether you do those things or not. We all think of bad things in some point of life but we are not all murdering or enslaving people. There’s no reason to hate yourself if it’s only inside your head. Human mind is very complex.
Of course no one knows. You wouldn’t know what I’m really like if you saw me. I’m blonde and everyone must think I have no brains at all when I walk in the mall. yAnd without knowing you, only seeing you I think I would maybe think that you are day-dreamer too. My point is that we know we aren’t like that. And we can prove them wrong if we want to.
Also, I don’t want to encourage you in becoming a villain but sometimes villains are good. World is not black and white. Never has been.
I think there are many ways to hurt yourself. Cutting is one thing, because you can find sharp objects anywhere. Some do drugs. Some bruise themselves. Some starve themselves. Some exhaust themselves physically. Some don’t sleep. I don’t think ways matter. I think it’s the same thing that drives us to do it. Just we all choose different ways because we all have different set of mind.
However, you’re not that short. You’re quite the average.
Your methods that you described doing are awful. I think you’re masochist in some way. But thing is you can’t perform them to yourself. Human body has quite strong survival instinct.
Everyone is worthy of help. And you know, maybe you could go to doctor or get some meds, I don’t know. And I think you wouldn’t know that by staying in bed. What’s the point. I see more logic in trying for ten more years and then you can say that you failed. You couldn’t do it and die. Some Roman soldier (maybe I mentioned this already) said that we only have one life. I think he wouldn’t have minded to have died the sooner the better. But it’s not like you’re born here time after time after time to suffer. I think there’s only one life that I can recall. For now I want to be here.
If you don’t want to turn up 26, well there’s nothing to say. I hope the pain ends in some way for you. But I think you really should pick up a date for doing it
I’m sure you are part of many person life. Maybe you don’t even realize the lalf of them. Your family, friends, that person you spend today with (yesterday?) and random internet people like me and someone you might see everyday in shop and so on.
Saph,
I intend to give my date a chance. I mean, really, let’s be practical here, I have to choose from whoever actually wants to be around me, because let’s face it, everyone I go after is so far out of my league in every way, and they will never get past my physical appearance to consider me in their league. So, I just have to settle. That is what my life has come down to. Last week was perhaps the most difficult week of my life. I almost did die. My friend put me on the right path though, and I am getting through all of this, because, for the time, I have chosen to live. I still do think about suicide every moment of every day, but I have been able to reclaim some of that ambition that I once had. I have come to accept the fact that I will be alone. I am focusing on building a business, and also finishing my first prototype. Unfortunately, I will become quite wealthy. It’s the reason I never pursued my goals to completion before, because once I have wealth, I will never have love. I will never be able to trust that someone loved me for me, or just for my money. And it won’t take 10 years for it to happen. I will probably get a lot of money quite quickly. Especially, if my prototype works. At that point, I will have to choose if I want to give up the virtue that I have always clung to, and just use people as sexual objects to alleviate the extreme sexual frustration that I have dealt, or just to be celibate like a monk.
I still think that my strange, unique, completely one-of-a-kindness that has made it impossible for me to have love from a human. And perhaps that is it, I am some mutation of the human genome. I am in some ways still human, but the real fact, that they all seem to recognize, is that I truly am not a human, and I will never be treated as one.
I am going to buy the means, but I am not going to choose a date. As part of my ‘new lease on life’ or whatever the hell you would call it, I have decided to become more daring, take more risks, be spontaneous, and become absolutely reckless. That being said, I don’t want to date, I want to just be able to do it on a whim. I think it is far more amusing that way, and yes, I said ‘amusing’. I have always had this twisted “Joker-esque” perspective from time to time, on morbid things, where I would find them amusing. I never used to entertain this, but it seems that this is part of human nature to enjoy sadistic and masochistic pleasures. I had a wonderfully messed up idea. I might not actually play this game, but I am going to buy the tool. The game is called “Online Dating Russian Roulette”. I want to get the tool for the game, and keep it on me at all times, with just one round in it. That way, I always have a way out. I like to think of it as an insurance policy of sorts, or perhaps more of a retirement plan.
They will not ever take me seriously until I do prove them wrong, but then they will admire me, and I will despise them. I think being a villain is a good idea now. I think it’s really the only way I can live. I should be as selfish and cruel as they were. I mean, these people that I message, and want to get to know, have no idea the kinds of amazing things I would have done for them. The amount of loyalty, and dedication, and absolute, unconditional, love that I would offer them. For God’s sake, I saved my virginity, and I didn’t get involved with just any random person, so that I could be the best person for them. So that I would be theirs, and only theirs forever. I gave all of that up for someone that I have never met, because I thought that that person was so special that they deserved it. I just didn’t realize that I didn’t deserve that special person, whoever they are. They just judge me by the most basic, most apparent things, and I find that unjust, and unfair, and they should be punished for it. They punished me for just being me, I don’t see why I shouldn’t punish them back. I am going to slowly let all those bad thoughts control me, and use them to get revenge. I mean, why not? An eye for an eye. Let the whole damn world be blind. Hell, they already are.
I don’t really find that I am a masochist, as such, because I do not derive pleasure from the act of self harm. I have been taught to be angry at myself. I loathe myself completely. I hate every fiber of my being. It is a way for me to destroy myself a little at a time. To get rid of all the things that I hate so much. I do intend to have the bones in my arms and legs snapped, and add a few inches to each one, and then extend the torso, in some way that doesn’t damage the spine. I really will, I am just crazy enough to do it. That’s the problem I am just way to eccentric and screwed up.
I have been seeing a doctor. I actually have a therapist as well as a psychiatrist, and there is a small pharmacy right in front of me as we speak. None of it has helps, so far. I have been doing all of this nonsense for about 6 or 7 months. It’s so pointless. My friends have helped me far more than any doctor. Even talking to you is better. But it doesn’t make me any more worthy of that help.
I understand that I have a lot of people that care about me, and often, I wish I didn’t, because then I could follow through with everything. Everyone is different, and it is very important to me how people see me and how I affect them; so I am alive, quite literally, for them. Life doesn’t benefit me in any way.
Woundedsoul,
First of all I’m sorry that I am sometimes so blunt and even rude. I say what I think without thinking.
I’m really glad that you have friend like that. Friend that truly seems to care. I think we all, at least half of us on this page want to kill themselves every single day. I can’t myself stop thinking that while I’m driving I could turn the wheel and end it or jump under truck or train. I guess we learn.
I’m happy that you are working over your prototype. I’d ask what’s the prototype about but I guess it would seem like I want to copy it something. But I’m happy for that. And good that you have now faith in yourself.
I think whatever choice is good one. People who have sex seem happy, people who dont seem happy too.
Have you ever read Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse? It’s one of my favorite books. It describes a man who is part man, part wolf. (And not in this werewolf-twilight style in case you wondered.) And the wolf part in him makes it impossible for him to live. It reminds me of myself. And you.
“I am in truth the Steppenwolf that I often call myself; that beast astray that finds neither home nor joy nor nourishment in a world that is strange and incomprehensible to him.â€
I dont think those people punished you. You are punishing you yourself like you said, you put all anger to yourself. But it’s true the world is blind, people are blind. Or arrogant. They live in their own little world. World that they have been building all their lives. And they dont want to know of anything else they can’t be control of. No one likes problems. By the way, isn’t it funny that we use words like “they” and “those people” when we are all the same.
People do many crazy thongs. I dont quite understand why you would do that because you’re tall enough. But then people do all kinds of stuff and its horrendous but I don’t care.
Well…ummm…its good that you don’t waste time and money to something that doesn’t help you. I think the main thing is find the help where ever you need it. I never got it. Not one therapy method.
I have a way of thinking. I dont know if I mentioned in my last messages. But Ithink that we pay everything. Its like the balance. If you’re happy, you have to be down, if someone has extremely happy life someone else has to be extremely unhappy. If someone lives without pain, someone has to suffer. So I think that whenever I’m not feeling good, someone had the best day of ones life. So that kind of relax be. That then life will benefit some another person. Also, I think you can’t have it all. You can be wealthy and have wonderful family life, but you’ll never have friends. Or you have career and friends but never love.
Saph,
In response to your first paragraph, I have not seen any problem in the way you have addressed me. You do me great honor with your honesty and communication. I might seem frail, but I always appreciate honesty, even if it comes with harshness, I am far more thick skinned than I might seem from these posts.
On the subject of honesty, I long to know what it is that is so unappealing about me. I sit here and think of everything about myself, and it comes down to two real factors, which are both probably combined; And those are my appearance, and my personality. I mean, I don’t think I am the ugliest person in the world, but I am pudgy, and short, and lack a face that is really note worthy. I am really not important in any way, when it comes to how I look. Oh, how I am drawn to the aesthetics of the human form. I do not limit my relationship pursuits to such superficialities, but I want so much to be beautiful, and attractive, and awe-inspiring. Sometimes, when I am really depressed, I will look at hundreds of pornographic photos and just find the most beautiful people and save them to different folders. I will just stare sometimes. I will just look over every inch of their bodies. I am a person of detail, and I spend massive amounts of time looking at the details in this world. I often find that, without my realizing it, I take in huge quantities of details subconsciously. And so I look at these people and I just long so much to be one of them. There are so many numerous flaws and just absolutely unacceptable issues with my physical form. I despise it. That is why I long so much to just cut into my own flesh. I am right now listening to my depression soundtrack on itunes, which is every depressing song I have, because somehow it makes me feel like there is a world out there that understands; a home, if you will. And while I listen to this music, and type this, I am thinking of grabbing my pocket knife and cutting deep scars into my face, just to feel control over my appearance, I suppose. I don’t even know anything about what clothes to buy, or how to get my hair cut in order to make me at least slightly presentable.
I think constantly of how I can change myself to be suitable for someone else, but it’s a catch 22; if I change myself for someone else, then they are loving someone else, but if I stay the same, then they won’t even look in my direction. I wish so much that I was born in a time with decent technology so that I could rid myself of this insufficient vessel. I would completely rewrite my genetic code. I have thought about studying genetics just so that I can perform gene therapy, but by the time I perfect it, it will be far too late to be of any use, unless I could reverse the effects of aging. I just can’t see a winning scenario. I mean, there are two people right now that I am wishing would reply. The first one being that one that ignored me. I am going to message him again eventually, but in the end, he won’t message me back. He will just figure that I am too aggressive, or over-eager, or desperate. And then there is this guy from two states over, a whopping 900 miles. He hasn’t been on since the 1st of this month, and I doubt he would message me back. Both of them have their individual natures that are so unique and amazing that I can’t help, but be drawn to them, and almost as a bonus, they were given these awesomely beautiful bodies. I just can’t even imagine what it would be like to be able to touch, and hold, and be part of that kind of beauty. They are truly perfect beings, inside and out, and I am just a foolish, freak of nature.
It hurts me that my nature is so unappealing, given the amount that I have already devoted to a person that doesn’t exist. I have fought hard to keep my sense of virtue. I mean, I am a porn addict, which I will admit, but I would give it up in a day for that person. I only use it as a means to an end. It is the closest thing I will ever have to a sex life, and in a way, I feel I need it so long as I don’t have a sex life. But I have guarded my purity as best I could. I have spent years learning how to be a better person, and how to treat people the best I can, and act in a way that is the best for others. In a way I feel that I am a better person than anyone these people will ever meet, and many times better than anyone they will ever be with, because like I said, I don’t even know them yet, and I have given up so much for them, and am already absolutely devoted to them. They will never see that about me. I will not deserve the chance, because my exterior is so bad that anything else couldn’t make up for it, apparently. They have no idea that I would give everything in my life to be with them. That 900 miles that the one guy lives, is no distance to my love. My love will cover any amount of ground, it will soar to any height, it will slay any foe, it will take me wherever I need to go.
As for my friends, I am very fortunate for them. I love them all with all my heart. I am a very loyal person, and I put a lot of importance in my friends. But even though we will always be friends, even they will leave my life, and that is why I need my companion. I cannot be alone. Being alone is all I have known for so long, and I can’t do it any more.
I have not read Steppenwolfe, but it is German, and it sounds exactly like something I would get into, which are both reasons that I will read it at my nearest convenience. And I figured that you meant a real werewolf, not the Twilight crap.
I do believe that in their own way they are punishing me, and while I see some irony in using the word “they”, I do not believe that it is inaccurate. They are “They”, and I am different than “Them”. Sure, we can talk about how similar I am in form, but that is hardly relevant. Some people are just strange and different and just off, and that’s what I am.
I understand what you are saying about balance, and it is one way of looking at it. I do not believe that it is accurate, but that may be the fact that I don’t like that idea. I am of the opinion that there is a way that we can all have the things that we long for and so desperately need, but it would require all of us to be part of a whole, and to love each other, and care for each other, in a way that we never have in history. The Universe offers enough of everything, but it is us who keeps it from one another. Our greedy, selfish natures prevent one another from having what they need out of spite. And the few decent people in this world are punished by this problem, because they do not exhibit that behavior, and so get everything taken from them.
I appreciate all your listening, and you are welcome to insert things in your responses about stuff you are dealing with. This isn’t one sided. It’s like you said, we are both here for a reason, and I think you should know that I am here to hear what you have going on, too, if you need/want to.
Woundedsoul,
That’s good. That at least I won’t cause any extra damage. Sometimes I worry when I have said or written something and they disappear.
Hey, I dont believe that you’re ugly. Its just question of how you dress, cut your hair and all that. And well, I think almost everything can be better. You can always lose weight, you can always go under the knife, you can always cut your hair better or go to some duper professional, you can always go to gym, you can always wear makeup (girls…and guys do it too) , you can always find the right clot hing style and I hear in Russia+Asia the women often have their legs broken to have few extra cm in their tallness. And maybe your mirror doesnt flatter you. I mean how do movie stars look so good, because they have tens of warm yellow light bulbs pointing at them. It’s so different from this pale white ligjt not the one outside but really white.
Also, I never minded the looks too much. Of course I would be likely to go to talk to someone ultra handsome guy than some boy whose eyes I can’t see beneath all black hair. I wouldn’t be with someone if he would look good and in the same time fool around with everyone else. I mean if he wouldn’t be kind to me and caring why would I stay with him.
While I have been writing with you here I dont see anything wrong with your personality eithe
Dont scar your face. Scars dont fade that quickly. And you won’t be much happier. You should do happy-playlist too. And add all the most positive, annoying songs there.
I dont think that even porn is flaw if that’s the biggest thing you can give me. Millions of women are reading some romance books , oh, and the very famous 50 shades of black. Very colorful books. And I think millions have porn on computers or home. I think it doesn’t do any harm. Okay, you might have a bit twisted image of how people look naked but I dont think its the worst scenario. There will be people who will abuse that. But there’s always evil among us. I just think it doesn’t really do as much harm as gambling or drinking. Also, some think it’s better to rape in stead of watching porn. Some think it’s better to abuse someone in reality so.
I still think that not single one of them deserves you. I mean you would love them fully and cross two states to get to them and they dont even answer you. Also, I think it’s rare when people are “okay” outside and inside. I dont think you’re freak of nature either. Besides isn’t it funny how we adore stories of Quasimodo and Phantom of the Opera. All they really ever wanted was love what didnt end up well for anyone. Not so happy endings. But you’re neither of those.
Glad you have friends, of course, friends come and go because life pulls us until different directions.
No, it’s hard to explain but we are all the same. We all think much the same.
Hah, no. I have wanted to make my own post about me for weeks and I just can’t seem to put myself into it. It’s definitely not one-sided but I have never learned to express myself when it’s question of me. Thank you though.
Saph,
It’s ok, there is absolutely no need to fear misspeaking with me. I go out of my way to be understanding, and you have no idea how helpful you have been. You have been in no way harmful.
First, I guess I will state, for the sake of clarity, that I am male. I am bisexual, and I am a masculine, average guy. I tried working out, for a while. My body really likes the way it is. It doesn’t gain weight easily, and it doesn’t lose weight easily, even with all the hiking and exercise, and everything. I just got so bored working out. Not many people understand how my mind works. I guess, from what most people have told me, they can have a lot of times through out the day that they don’t even have anything on their mind. That has never been the case for me, unless I am extremely, absolutely, incredibly, exhausted. This happens maybe 4 or 5 times a year. The rest of the time, my mind is going full blast, I am thinking many times faster than I can even speak or type, and there are so many things on my mind that, when I talk to other people, I have to choose what is most relevant to them, even if none of it is particularly relevant, I will at least find the most interesting of them. And so, when I go to the gym and work out, I get so bored, and restless, and then I start to get extreme anxiety with all the people around, even the two or three that are there at 3 am. Even when I am reading a book while I ride the bike, and then I get distracted by all the people. I might be able to do it if I had a partner there. Someone to keep me distracted. I always figured, if I am not acceptable, then I could work out with my significant other to become better looking, but they won’t even give you a chance unless you are already perfect. In the end, though, it would be a lie, more than anything else, because I will not continue that for the rest of my life. I have far too many projects and too much interest in studying and building things, to want to spend time working out every day.
I guess that I could do the hair, but I am not a make up kind of guy. And as for the clothing, I don’t have a style. I have no idea what I would wear. I mean, I know what I would wear, but I would need to tailor it all myself, because I prefer some really strange clothing. The best I could describe it is like out of video games or movies. Like Ezio from Assassins Creed, kind of stuff. Really out there. And I would actually wear stuff like that every day, but that would just make me less interesting. So, I have to find clothes that somehow make me look good, but also fit who I am. I am just an eccentric, and I won’t ever be loved for myself, only the wealth that I accrue, or the fame that I get from inventing. I am nothing unless they can get something from me, and they aren’t getting beauty, so I have to give them those other things.
I won’t lie, though, I want beauty, too. Probably because I am so insecure about my own hideousness, that I want someone beautiful so that I can at least, in some way experience it. I am a very physical person. I am very sensitive to everything when it comes to my sense of touch, in that, I like to have someone run their fingers through my hair, or along my skin, but also, that I am sensitive to temperature, too. I don’t tolerate heat as well as cold, but in a way that is very good. I just imagine being out camping in the cold and I would be able to keep someone warm, because I am just so warm by nature, and don’t get cold easily. I long for that ability to have physical contact with someone. I am actually more interested in it in a non-sexual way, which is strange, I suppose. But, it doesn’t matter, I will never get to touch someones skin, and outline their body with my fingertips. My sensuality will go unfulfilled, indefinitely. I thought all these things would be good things, but they just aren’t enough. I also don’t know how to sell myself. I don’t know how to present myself in a way that a person would want. And it depends on the person. I might have exactly what someone is looking for, and I might be selling myself in the perfect way, but maybe that way of selling myself is unappealing to the other person, so they just pass me up. It is ridiculous that we only get first impressions. I absolutely never judge someone based on my first impression. It doesn’t even occur to me to do that. I find that I don’t really judge people at all. I mean, I will talk with a friend, and say, oh this is really weird when people are like this, but then I meet someone like that, and for some reason, I become more interested in them as a person, than put off. I am the kind of person, when people are self-conscious about something, that thing that they are self conscious about, ends up being one of the things I usually adore most about them. Like a stutter. I am not put off by something like that. I become very patient, and I enjoy talking to that person more. Especially, if they have something interesting to say, and those kind of people usually do, because they never get a chance to say it, and I love to provide that chance for them. In spite of all of this, I am nothing to any of these people. I am just some weird, ugly guy. I think they even consider me kind of a creeper, which I guess isn’t so false, since I did stalk someone I didn’t know. I mean, I know it’s wrong. I don’t know, I guess, it doesn’t matter if you have the best intentions, you can still be a horrible person.
That is the thing. I want those scars to be there. Maybe I want to be able to see all the scars on my soul, in some kind of tangible way. I want them deep, and noticeable. I imagine that I am going to start a way some day. That I am going to lead a group of people to creating a sovereign nation. A place that is safe for people like me. And I imagine myself getting shot fighting beside my men, because that is the kind of leader that I am, I ask nothing of another person, that I wouldn’t ask of myself. Of course, I am very demanding of myself. My point is, I will end up with a limp, or crippled, or scarred, or burned. I am going to put myself in danger, and I want to see all those wounds that have been afflicting me all these years. I want other people to be able to see them, and know the kind of hell I have been through.
As for the porn, I am a very big addict. My collection is far larger than is practical. Like I said, I realize my addiction, and would treat it if there came a day when I could be with someone, but for now, I allow it. I have been so self-critical, because that is how people made me, but I was so demanding of myself that I have even trained myself to not have sexual thoughts about people at all, even if I really like them, because even though they don’t know it, I feel disrespectful when I do it. I look people I am attracted to in the eyes, and don’t check them out. This is the first year that I have ever really started checking people out. My friends encourage it. It is normal, I know, but I have these absolute morals and ethics. Sex has become, in my mind, a huge taboo, and is almost forbidden, so I turn to things like porn to get out all the sexual frustration that just keeps building up. I feel as though one day it will become to strong, and that I would rape someone, and though I am conscious of this thought, and have a great amount of self-control, I constantly worry that I will lose control. It’s the number one reason that I don’t drink alcohol. Being male, I should have sexual thoughts all the time, but unless I am actually relieving myself, sexually, I don’t even think about it, because I taught myself it was wrong, after years of people condemning me for different things, regardless of whether or not they condemned me for sexual thoughts or activities, they still taught me that everything was wrong, so I found things that were generally considered taboo or wrong, and I started to put my own mind under lock and key.
I really don’t believe that all people think the same. I believe that there are a handful of people who have entirely unique minds, and ways of perceiving the world, and I am one of them. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad, but I am punished and condemned for it, either way, which means that I am in the wrong, and that I am a monster.
I understand how hard it can be to express oneself. I used to have that same problem. What I recommend is going onto Microsoft Word, or some other program, and just typing everything you are thinking and feeling, and then read it, and see what is relevant. See if there are better ways of describing things. See if it is the best way to write it. And keep refining it, and adding to it. I don’t think there is really a right, or wrong way to post this kind of thing. It should be just as it pours out of your head. Either way, I do hope that you are able to post, and that you inform me when you do, because I want to be there for you, and appreciate you for who you really are. 🙂
Saph,
I was just dealt the most crushing of blows. I am so furious, upset, depressed, suicidal, homicidal, deocidal (to kill God), and just AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! That guy I really wanted to get to know is dating the guy that I had met that one time. They totally don’t match according to any of the information I read or know. I don’t understand. It is my fault for being too late. It is my fault for passing him up the first time, for a reason that I still don’t know. It is my fault for being me. I can’t tolerate this any fucking more. I am freaking out, and in tears. I would have never had a chance anyway. I am not really worth anything. I really didn’t think they matched, and I didn’t really think it would come to this. I mean, if I were a fool, I could wait, and hope that they broke up, but that would be idiocy. They are both interested in long term relationships, and want the same stuff. I am just shaking uncontrollably, I can’t write this. I mean, it was foolish to become invested in someone that I didn’t even know. It’s really foolish for me to invest myself in anyone. All these pills, they do nothing. I could eat them all right now and just be done with it. I just can’t do this anymore. There is no one out there for me. I just wanted so much to have just one fucking chance. I want so much to die, or kill, or bring some kind of pain down upon someone. I am just so fucked up. I just hate life, I hate everything about it. I hate being part of this world. There is no reason for me to be here. I can’t understand. Reality could have been like anything, but it had to be all of this. All I have is war to look forward to. The war that tears this fucking country end from end. I will do anything to be the one that leads it. If I have to be in this world, I will conquer it. And if I am to die, I will kill God himself. There is nothing for me here. I really don’t know what to do. This valley doesn’t have anyone else. I should just pack right now and leave. I should just jump in my car and leave. Where will I go? It doesn’t really matter does it. I clearly don’t matter. I can’t stop crying, and shaking, and grinding my teeth, and clenching my fists, and I just wish I had someone to hold me. I will never even have that. This is my late Christmas gift, apparently. I need to get a gun. I think I am going tomorrow to buy one. I really really need one. WHY ME!?!?!?! I can’t even think of where to put another paragraph. It’s just one run together, fuck mess. It’s like my God damned life. There really is nothing left for me. No reason to even exist. Everyone else can have their happily ever afters and I will just die in a hole in the desert. It doesn’t really matter. I have nothing to look forward to. I keep looking around my room at all the expensive shit that I have. I keep thinking of all the ideas I could have brought into the world. And none of it means shit to me. Not a fucking thing. I mean, who cares about any of this crap? And let whoever does care, have it all. I remember all the times in my life that I wished for what those two get to have. I longed so much for it. I longed for it before I even knew what it was. At all times in my life I always remember thinking of that same thing, and I was the one that would never have it. Most people just go through life, and don’t care, and it just happens for them, but I try harder than FUCKING EVERYONE!, and this is my reward. There is no way to express this amount of emotion. There is just no way to feel it all. I want to rip myself open just so I can let it all out. I don’t want to get up tomorrow, I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do anything. I am just so tired of it all. My life has been all obligation and no joy. I think might be the longest that I have ever cried in my life. I just want to rip out my own heart with my bare hands. FUCK! Why?
I am now the only person in the world that understands why we built nuclear weapons. All of this has to stop. This whole species shouldn’t exist. They just cannibalize themselves. It’s disgusting. They have punished me for the last time. This is intolerable. Where do I have to turn? Where am I going to go? What am I going to do when I get there? What does it matter? It’s just my life, right. No one cares about my life. These are the only feelings that I will know. The pain, the anger, the hate, the suffering. This is what I am. This monstrous creature. I am a wretch. And I should visit every ounce of this pain upon the heads of humanity. Why shouldn’t I? They all deserve it. They did this to me. They made me this way, and then they punished me for it. I mean, I was just a child. Why did they have to treat me that way? Why did they have to not love me? Why did they have to make me unloveable? Why do they still do this to me? I never did anything to them. I thought that I could push through this, that I could be strong, that I could survive, but the truth is that I can’t. And if you are still wondering, I am still balling by this point in this message. A grown man shouldn’t cry like this, it’s disgusting. We all know that I have to kill myself. I think that it was what humanity raised me for. They just how far they had to push to destroy someone like me. I don’t see why I control myself at all. Why don’t I rob banks? Why don’t I assault people? Why don’t I destroy people’s possessions? Why don’t I harm the person that is standing in my way? The person that stole that guy from me. He lives near here. I could do it. And why shouldn’t I? It seems fair to me. The world shouldn’t be this way. Do you know why? If you said it had anything to do with right and wrong, and prison, and other nonsense of that nature, you are very very wrong. The reason why is that, regardless of whether he were there or not, that guy would never have feelings for me. And how could he? Who could expect that? The fact is that I am going to have to shoot myself. I originally had all these things that I had to get in order before I died. But everything will work itself out. It is none of my concern. If the human race wants to punish me like this, then let them deal with whatever I leave behind. I want to find the most public place in this city, and shoot myself right in the middle of it. I want people to panic, the way that I panic. I want them to fear as I fear. I want them to be traumatized by the spray of my blood, and the sight of my corpse. I want them to remember what they did. They did this to me. They all did this to me. It’s not just paranoia, it’s fact. They didn’t work together, but none of them stood out from the crowd to keep this from happening to me. It looks like I don’t have to turn 26 after all. I curse the fact that my friends can see what I post here. It’s only two of them, and now that I am slightly more calm, and I do mean, ever so slightly, I realize that suicide is not the option at the moment. But I don’t think I am going to work any more. I don’t think that I am going to get out of bed any more. I don’t think that I am going to talk any more. Why should I have to do anything? Does anything I do matter? No, it doesn’t. It very clearly doesn’t. The irony was, I matched in entirety what he was looking for. I was exactly what he described in his answers to his questions. The other guy was far off. And look. It doesn’t matter what I do. It doesn’t matter if I step left, or I step right, the same fate will unfold no matter how things go. So, in my way, I am going to commit suicide. I am just going to stop being.
Honestly, I don’t know what I am going to do. I know that everything is reeling in my head, and that there is no purpose to me playing out this inevitable fate. I just haven’t decided how to reach the conclusion of this dramatic play. As a matter of fact, I will tell you this. I am not going to commit suicide. I do want to keep the suspense going, though. When I know what it is, I will do it, and then you will know too. I may put it on Youtube, so that everyone can appreciate the fruits of their cruelty. I am certainly not going to work tomorrow, though. I really am not. I guess, in reality, at 5 am, it’s not even tomorrow, it’s today, but I am not going to work either way.
I never had a place to think out loud like this before. It is refreshing to say the least. Too bad it’s far too late in my life. Everything is too late. I am still incredibly angry, but this calm has come over me. It’s the calm I get when I am the most furious that I could ever be. Essentially, it’s when there is so much anger, and hate, and sadness, and rage, and suffering, that I actually can’t deal with it any more, so my mind doesn’t register the emotions anymore, to protect itself. It’s when I get my most evil thoughts. If I am lucky, though, for the first time, I will get an evil intent. I really don’t know where to leave off, because I am exhausted, emotionally, physically, and mentally, but I am far to exhausted to sleep, and far too upset, besides. I could tell you, in vivid detail every single little thing that I wanted out of a relationship. I don’t mean that I could tell you a lot of things like, kissing, or hugging, or cuddling, I mean, that I could describe, in absolute, clear, and vivid detail, exactly the way that it should have been. Down to the smallest, most minute touch, or whisper. I have one of the most powerful minds that I have ever encountered, and I have had forever to just think about this thing that I could never have. I have spent years upon years thinking about it. The books that I have started to write, were exactly that. They were these thoughts, these wishes, these desires, that would never exist in the real world. I used to day dream in class about all of this. I used to just imagine the person that I loved, and it would make my heart pound. The person has changed over time. People come and go, but the one consistent factor is that they always go. And I never perverted my fantasies. That was something that was forbidden. My fantasies were just pure love. Just holding each other, and whispering in my ear, and just touching their soft skin. It’s amazing the little things in life that no one else seems to notice. I take in this massive wealth of detail, and no one else gets to appreciate it. In some ways, I am perhaps the only person that is truly alive, and I am the one who is meant to die. I mean, I truly look at things. I don’t know anyone that has spent an hour, or perhaps more, staring at one photograph, and always finding something new and interesting about it. And even when I look at it again, I find something that I had missed, something truly amazing. This is just how I exist. I see things this way. No one will ever appreciate beauty like me. No one will ever appreciate these people like I do, and would continue to. I don’t understand what is so wrong about that. I see this grand tapestry that everyone else is blind to, and they deserve more than me. I could literally run the world. I could reorganize the entire economic system around the world, and make it work perfectly, but instead, I am just a menial worker, who will never be loved. And I am supposed to go out and try to ‘succeed’, and get a degree, and make something out of myself, and become this great person that I keep mentioning, in spite of my adversity, because that is what makes people great, and that is how we do things as a society. But tell me why? Why should I bother? Everything I do, will help them more than me. There is absolutely no incentive to do anything. I should check into a mental hospital and sleep all day every day. If I never talk to anyone, they can’t throw me out. If they tried, I would just threaten myself, and they wouldn’t be able to let me go.
To think that this all started, because a guy I have loved for years couldn’t just love me back. Or really, if you want to get technical, this happened, because a girl years ago, couldn’t just give me a chance, and love me. This whole chain of events was set in motion long ago, and I see where it is going, but not how it is getting me there. But I really wouldn’t have been here today if it weren’t for that guy at work. I would have never went on those dating sites. I would have never met so much disappointment. I would have never found that guy and become completely infatuated with him. And I would not have watched him fall in love with someone that isn’t good enough for him. I am still in that calm rage. I don’t know when it will subside. I am thinking so many vicious things. I can’t bring myself to stop typing, but I guess I should, because really, it’s not fair to you…..
Woundedsoul
I’m so sorry 🙁 that nothing worked out. I feel so sad for you.
But maybe those two never deseved you, maybe they had fake profiles and fake everything and then two fakes got together. I don’t know. But really if that person wasn’t intrested in you, don’t care. I mean think if you had really meet him and then thought that how could this guy be so boring and all. Maybe it was meant to be.
And sometimes life just kicks us with no reason at all.
And you will get more chances. I don’t even consider this as your chance. There will be more opportunities for you. Ah. I don’t really know what to say at all 🙁
Killing God is good idea, I suppose, if he does exist. Anyways he doesn’t seem to care about us anymore. Or maybe he’s weak and old. Maybe you should leave then? Switch country? State? Start a new life, clean start?
And I would hug you if you were here. I’ll send you imaginary hug right now. I hope you revceive it soon.
Why you. Well it’s good question. Why me. Maybe it’s just, maybe you’re meant to be with someone absolutely stunning and great and happy and all and maybe this is test. Like in school, you try and you get eventually to university. Something like that. Or at least you’re not alone in that desert. There are many of us. Maybe half of us are just already half-buried in the sand.
Look, I’m sure that you will be rewarded still.
You want to get up tommorow, because tommorow can be bran new day and nnew life and sun always shines after rain, and where there is night there is also a day.
And no, you’re not only one. I understand nuclear weapons really well. Though I find that some of us are happy and I don’t want them to suffer. On 12/12/12 I really wished that the world would have ended, or at least changed, that there would have been something massive. And then came 13/12/12 and life goed on.
I care about your life.
I don’t think either that they did this to you. In some way, we are always part of the fault. Because we keep trying and trying hurts. Like J.K.Rowling, now she’s wealthiest women in UK. I mean her mother died, she miscarried, her husband threw her out on the streets and she was single mother and then she went to what 10 different book publishing companies before she made it. And same is with all famous people. Johnny Depp had hard life. Adele came from slums. But they all did it. Madonnas mother died. Michael Jackson’s life was not very glamorous either. Or Eminem. The first white rapper, and he went to school in pajamas. They all got up. And you can do it too. Because your great. You’re meant to do something more then to buy that gun and off yourself. Or at least I think that. But you should think about it.
That’s why I said you there back to pick a date. Because now you want to do it tommorow, maybe you didn’t want it yesterday or someday. I mean when you seriousy want it everyday. Okay I’m helping no one. Just don’t trouble yourself too much. Whatever decission comes eventually (not tommorow) will be the right one. You’ll know it then.
All men cry. In Russia there’s this great psychoologist called Igor Kon. If we would raise all boys in “macho” style, never to cry and do all sports thay can, we’d all be dead by now. Well anyways if our society doesn’t let young boys, older men cry where do we end up. Honestly we all cry. And I don’t find it bad.
I don’t know who the we are. But I don’t know you have to kill yourself. Nor I think many other people. Like your friends.
Hey, because you’re good person and you know it’s wrong thing to do. Sure, you would probably be very good, superior criminal master mind but I don’t think killing that guy would make you any happier. Nor robbing banks. You don’t need that.
Of course world shouldn’t be like this. I mean there are people like me and you. And then there are all the starving people in Africa, India drug wars and whatever goes on in Russia, in China, in North-Korea. Even in this place where I live and they say this is the best place to live. Well we have highest suicide rates for women of 18-24 years old. My future. So cheers to that. But anyways somehow we’ll all still here.
It’s never too late to make it right. Or it is maybe when you’re 100 years old and reallly really can’t get up of that bed but now you still can do it. You don’t want to but you still can. So that means there’s still time. And even at 100, people still go to university 90 years old.
Well tell me then. Or write it down to word. It would make a great book. You know, we would lose a great author in you.
That was good point. That maybe some of us are never truly alive.
And if you think you are capable of rebuilding the world go on and do it. Love will never last, even if we’d think so but eventually they leave or die or whatever. But the changes you’d make would perhaps stay forever.
Of course you should bother to do that! Why? Don’t ask why. It’s bad question. It’s like if. If I didn’t do this, If I had been like this and nothing changes with if ing. Maybe you should try because maybe you couln’t even do it, but then at least you have tried.
Hah, so don’t think about that. Just stop. You can’t go forward if you’re dwelling all the time in the past. I’ve been in love twice. I guess we girls are more into it, in breaking hearts. Nah. And here I am alone again because they never loved me, moreover I think they were only playing with me. Funny thing is that I think if they say they wanted to be with me I would give both of them new chanse even if I know it would be so stupid and that I would only get hurt. So you need just to let go. It’s not like your fate has ben written somewhere. Or it is written in you. And you alone can change it. You know no one will come and do stuff for you.
Nothing is fair. But I think you trying is more fair then leaving everything. Than leaving me here alone to post things to you without you ever answering. I mean that isn’t fair either.
So don’t go.
And I truly hope you’re still there and will read this soon.
🙁
Woundedsoul,
and when you read my posts (notice not if you read my posts) I’ll write a bit more so you’ll have a lot of responding to do. And also, maybe you’d like to have my email? Because then I’ll be able to respond much faster. Anyways it’s saphiraxDatgmaildotcom. Write to me there if not here.
Anyways, I’m glad I haven’t at least this far said anything that has not been harmful. And I’d like to continue that. So answer as soon as you can. That was a command and you have to follow it. Or else.
And I understood that you’re male and bisexual.
So look, it’s never easy to lose weight. In spring I was trying to lose my last weight off. Which quite hard when your BMI is already small. And for over half year my weight didn’t drop. No matter what I did. I guess there’s a thing, they called it plateau when your weight just sticks. It’s quite depressing. But you need to have patience.
But it’s long-term thing. It’s like running a ,arathon or better yet doing trialthon. The best don’t practise just a year. They practise many years.
And maybe results don’t show straightly but I’m sure they will eventually if you keep working out.
Hah, me too. I often say it’s brainstorm in my mind. Because that how it feels like. It’s like window->squirrel->electrcity->light->dark->house->metropolis->slums->Batman->computer in matter of seconds. And for many it’s hard to kep up with me. Though it doesn’t exhaust me. So maybe this is different.
Hah, have you ever tried. I don’t know where I read about it. But counting your steps and seconds that pass at the same time. There’s something you can practise next time.
And few people like perfection. Because none of us is perfect so perfection…we sort of despise it. And want to have it.
Of course you could do your hair. Why don’t do it tommorow? Well do that then. Be Ezio. I googled him and I liked his style. I don’t how that would make you any less interesting. I think it would make you creepy, a bit. But at least you would stand out. I would know thathey that person has more guts than the tens of others here. And you need to find someone who would want that himself/herself. And personally, I would fall in love with Victor Hugo immediately. Because he writes so beautifully. I would not really care if he would be old (and more probably dead) if I could have chance to speak to him. So at least all people don’t care for your money or wealth. I mean it’s of course nice to have gadgets around you but I don’t know. I would like to have once something more than that too.
Let’s go camping. I’m always freezing!
Selling yourself is easy. If it’s not easy for you, you can learn to do it. And I just think it means you’re not so selfish and self-centered. I agree with you on first impressions. It’s like that person can always have headache or maybe is sick or haven’t had a good day. Or (as I’m a girl) didn’t put makeup on and dressed in baggy clothes. And I can’t see how person like you could fall in love in someone you haven’t talked to inreal. I mean cmon.
Yes, you can still be horrible person. But I really think actions are what matter. Because there are bad people doing good thing. And we can’t because of that think that they’re good. Like Mao. He didn’t eat meat and said that he hates to see his people suffer and will save that meat for them. Right. And same time millions die.
No, you don’t want scars. You just want people to see who you are. I think. So. I think making yourself scars wouldn’t help that. And I like your type. I think you’d make a good leader SO don’t do anything stupid today tommorow if you’re still here. Which I really hope you are.
I think it’s wrong to think that. That all sex, well not all, but anyways point of thinking that it’s bad. I think it’s different. Fantasies and reality.I mean the church. Church in first place want to ban everything. They disapprove women being priest even if once women were almost as high as men. And forbit abortion. Forbit everything.
Maybe your right. Maybe there are that handful of people. But it’s still a handful so you’re not alone.
And you’re not monster. That would make handful of monsters.
Thank you for that advice. I have tried sometimes but I think maybe I just need more time.
I haven’t read this all yet, but you wondered if I was still here, and I wanted to let you know that I am.
Yes I wondered. Good for you. I’m happy you’re still here. Thanks for letting me know. Vety thoughtful.