Maybe we should all just be having more sex and eating more chocolate. Really. (Unless you’re too young for the former in which case you should double up on the latter.) Sex releases endorphins, which are natural opiates, and chocolate contains several compounds that induce pleasure. Who needs Prozac?

Even though the melatonin sleeping pills i take sometimes are natual chemicals in your body.. being a little high makes me sleep better.. like alot better. deeper sleep. peaceful sleep. sweet dreams too..

Hopfully i am high enough to sleep and sleep well.. because its the only thing i know i can trust to help me..

(Yes i look to sleep for comfort..)

While I am reminiscing on the memories that slowly but sweetly tortures my heart.

With all the thoughts running through my head.

Was there something that could be changed?

And somehow make all the pain that was created to go away

I don’t want you back

I want the happiness you brought to my heart

And knew someone cared

But I guess im not well enough or someone you would love to always be there

Now the days are surely getting harder

And im longing for your thoughts

The way you used to hold me

Did you think that I forgot?

I may not be what you want

But im someone that is begging on my knees

Somehow I […]

Happy Holidays.

Its that time of year.. I will probably cry every night..

last chirstmas i had EVERYTHING

this christmas i will have NOTHING

story of my life..

wish i wouldnt mind to have end..

I forgot to tell many shitty things on my last post, like… I was really depressed bcuz many friends left me, and i chose to give my gf a better life in exchange for hell for myself. so i decided to go to a party with people i knew and the other 600 or something. late that night, i was real happy, not drunk, just a little bit dizzy. and it was reeealy cold outside, hey its norway:P but on the way i heard yelling, and i was like, god no, why… so i turned around and saw two elder boys come at me and […]

Five hundred.
Five hundred and one.
Five hundred and two.
Five hundred and fifty.
Five hundred and sixty.
Five hundred and seventy eight.

The numbers are there, but I can’t help bursting into tears everytime I realize I’m not cutting deep enough. That I can’t. I know it’s a user problem but I blame my razor. The blades not sharp enough. That’s why I’m cutting so lightly. That’s why I haven’t been able to cut over a centimeter deep. I’d numb my leg like a post suggested, but that freaks me out.

It’ll never be deep enough. I’ll never be good enough to press harder. […]

blood runs down my finger tips

its a riminder of all that i let slip

it pours out my body

like words written beneath……

they are hear just read it, this is me, you can beleive it

raw and exposed, alone and let go

i am strong, but they are stronger

i try to hide, but im held under,

by the oppression i seek, by the oppression i need

blood runs down my finger tips,

a reminder of all things i let slip

but i let go, for the story to un fold

im okay i really am, i fake it as best i can

but its not the same as all i want to do…

because…..im alive, im […]

The biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard, is when someone tries to comfort me. I know that sounds weird, but maybe oddly true. Only one person on the world has ever been able to make me feel not alone, but she doesn’t know I am in love with her. But that is besides the point. Everyone else, when they comfort me, seems to have ulterior motives. Maybe they feel obligated. Maybe they are trying to stroke their own ego. Maybe …….

The point being is that They have their own ulterior motive, They don’t really care about me, or you. Though why should They? […]

Dear Reader,

I will hang myself in a few minutes. I know it’s selfish and harmful to my family, friends and people I know. I know I can continue my life somehow but I feel depressed and anxious all the time. I don’t feel like I can function successfully in society for more than a few weeks or month. As shown by my failing in my 3rd first semester of university, despite getting good grades initially. Maybe staying home and relying on someone else for the rest of my life is an option for me, yet I can’t do that. It’s embarrassing and pathetic.

There are things […]

I feel my worst when I am alone. The think is is that I don’t want to be near people, I want to be alone. It’s bad for me to isolate myself , I learned that the hard way. I came so close to ending it this last week. I abused pills for the first time and it made the pain go away for awhile. I’ve had the week from hell but somehow I keep going, somehow I act like I am okay.

i don’t know why but when my life was maybe a little better i was cutting.

now, my lifes even worse and i don’t have the guts to cut.

what’s wrong with me? i just want to make the pain go away and yet i can’t?

everyday., im physically and mentally exhausted.

I hate waking up and i just want to lie there and never move ever again.

somedays i wish the world was covered in black. darkness all around.

someday i wish everybody would die. someday i wish i was all alone.

The needle for your soul and the steel and concrete for your body: double-barreled hell. It is known as desolation unknown. And yet, somehow, I don’t know how, it is known. From this perspective, it would be rather nice to have my brains blown out. So I used self torture as a focus to distract from desolation unknown, my only rule was: do not tear the skin. I urinated on my feet to keep them warm, but at least I had urine. Because after two days, I was given water. It makes very little difference if you are on the inside or if you are […]

plain and simple. I’ve gone through the motions, made people think I’m a positive and happy person, but the overwhelming, undeniable truth is that I’m miserable. I welcome death 95% of the time, wishing it would find me, as I don’t want my children and family dealing with a suicide. I live near a mesa, it’s beautiful, has large cliffs ….what if I could make it look like an accident? Oops, I slipped and plummeted to my death. What a shame. I’ve fantasized about this scenario almost everyday for a year….but every time I make it up to the top my endorphins are pumping from […]

I’m falling apart and I’m so sick of trying, I’m so fucking sick of it, because I’m fighting so hard and I have been for so long but things are only getting worse no matter what I do.

I’m 17 and this shouldn’t be happening. I’ve been clinically depressed for over a year now, been self harming for a while, and have an eating disorder (bulimia). I’ve taken 2 overdoses in the past and have been admitted to hospital for 1 of these. I’ve also been admitted another 2 times for suicidal ideation/self harm. So that’s my story I guess.

My […]