It’s 4 am can’t sleep , haunted by my past unable to let it go . Keep thinking that there is only one way to make everything go away . Deep down inside I tell myself to just survive the night , it will get better tomorrow . But the thoughts keep flooding my mind , the old friends that I pushed out my life , the family members that I never talk to . Telling myself that if I let no one love me , or get close to me then it wouldn’t be like I’m hurting anyone but myself .
But […]
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Alcoholic Father
I’ve read many posts on this site, and the many responses that went with them. I realized that it was the same thing over and over again, someone is hurting and they reach out to anyone who might listen. Then those compassionate few who happens to stumble on the post responds. It’s like an endless cycle, you know? To all those people who are suffering, I just want to say I’m sorry that I can’t help you much. I honestly don’t know what to say to you, “Just stay in the game, it’ll work out…don’t give up”? It’s  not the most convincing advise. So, I just want […]
I’m really not seeing a reason to continue fighting my debilitating depression and anxiety. I have never had a reprieve in my 28 years, despite various medications, spiritual journeys, and self-help literature.
I have always held myself to a very high standard and have been relentless with trying to reach success from a very early age. I survived an abusive childhood with an alcoholic father. Â I thought that getting married, getting a Masters degree, and starting my career would bring me the happiness I so desperately want and the outside validation to prove that I am a good person.
I loved my husband with all of my […]
This is what some people believe. When one cuts through whatever emotion one is feeling right now, it’s rooted in either love or fear.
I believe that the reason that we have come to this site is because we have let fear-based emotions rule our lives. Anger, hate, frustration, anxiety, sadness, shame, regret … these feelings are all fundamentally driven by fear. In my case, I’m angry at myself. I hate my work situation. I feel great shame in being a burden on so many people. I’m frustrated by my relationship. I regret not having the balls to be true to myself – this lack of […]
“How Nice To Feel Nothing, and Still Get Full Credit For Being Alive.”
by MilesToGo
written by MilesToGo
That’s a quote from one of my all time favourite novels, Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut. I have plans to get the book’s mantra, ‘so it goes’, tattooed somewhere on my body.
Which, is kind of at odds with posting on a suicide website, isn’t it?
I don’t actually know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m depressed – I’ve never gone to a doctor or a counseller. I think about suicide on a near-daily basis; not in some abstract way, but with regards to methodologies, and having a suicide note on my laptop which I regularly update to correspond with the messages I want […]
Don’t really know how to begin, but know I want my pain to end. Kinda ironic, looking for an ending before a beginning. At almost 52 I have been a freaking caretaker my entire life, taking no care of myself, just everyone else. Alcoholic father, died 26 years sober…not bad! Molested as a child, by a brother and watched my sister being molested, which she denies. Found out in my forties he molested my other brother, too.  Lived with my molester as an adult, as my sister moved home when her 1st husband died with her 2 sons, (she has 3 and they are […]
I thank you all for the time you took to reply to my post. It was very kind and thoughtful.
Courage to put my life in harms way was easy to find, as I knew why I came here and who I was working for. Even when the mortars came in, I wasn’t afraid. I hear gunfire and explosions, yet I have no fear. Not of an earthly type of death. The death I truly fear is of being alone, of giving up my dream and quitting on the people who I love and have worked my entire career for. […]
It all started a year and a half ago when I came home from school to find out that my mother had died from an drug overdose earlier that morning. Being a daughter of an former alcoholic father and drug addict mother, I’ve had some hard times. From neglect to some form of abuse. From moving into a new house every couple of months with other family to watching my mother slowly die on the bathroom floor from an overdose – again. I’ve been through many things that some people would never experience. Or so I’ve been told. That was probably the worst day of […]