Tag:

awful

Here again

by Fadeto_black 2/19/2016

written by Fadeto_black

I’ve become a different person to who I was when I first came here and that’s a good thing. I still crave emotion and pain and fear as a a substitute for the other emotions missing from my life, but I no longer contemplate killing myself. I don’t know how, I haven’t received therapy, I haven’t changed much around me, but I’ve grown because I stuck it out and even now things aren’t perfect but I’ve been able to help and understand so many other people because I didn’t let myself die.

please take the time to reconsider, things do change for the better or worse, […]

2/19/2016 0 comment

I Need Someone

by blink_fighter 2/19/2016

written by blink_fighter

My days are usually awful.

Today is one of those days.

Can anybody hear me? It doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I need someone.

My friends don’t understand being diagnosed with depression. They dismiss the fact that I’m on medication and just tell me to “snap out of it” and “stop being so sad” and “choose to be more positive.”

Are you kidding me?

Every day is a struggle. Every day I just want to disappear.

The worst part is that everyone thinks that just because I don’t have anything really wrong in my life, I cannot be depressed. But that’s not how it works. Depression […]

2/19/2016 10 comments

Say whaaat?

by headupunderdarkcloud 2/12/2016

written by headupunderdarkcloud

I wake up today feeling much more like my old self, but just dumb-founded where that self finds, er, itself. How did we wind up here? It really makes no sense to me now. How could I not have just followed the path I was on before? It’s like I couldn’t stand the idea of stability, and so just constantly interrupted and disrupted any and everything that at any time was going smooth.

Had a house, had a girl, somewhat had a job, but still couldn’t find satisfaction. Maybe it was in part still coming to terms with past and present demons, Dad killing himself, mom […]

2/12/2016 2 comments

Jealous

by Desheures 2/2/2016

written by Desheures

Yes, it’s true.
I’m Jealous. Very jealous.
I’ve never been more jealous in my life.
And it hurts. And it’s dark.
It’s darker than black hole. Darker than satan’s soul.
I am jealous of the ones who get to die.
The ones who get to leave this place. This awful pace.
The ones who get to sleep soundly forever, unbothered by this evil called life.
I want to die. But I can’t die.
I wish I had no one to disappoint.
No one to hurt.
But there’s too many.
I want to end my pain not pass it on.
So I sit here waiting.
Hoping to […]

2/2/2016 2 comments

by JiminyCrispies 1/25/2016

written by JiminyCrispies

My arms and wrists itch and burn. I relapsed bad last night. Can you even call it a relapse if you never tried to stop in the first place? I took pills, too. I can’t stop taking them – both in large quantities and small. I think I’m getting addicted. I’m ill. Everything hurts. And I’m stuck I college. Class starts in 7 minutes, and I feel awful. Despite the pills, and how many I took, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed the pills. I needed to get rid of the pain, and I couldn’t cut at that exact time. Surprisingly, my […]

1/25/2016 1 comment

Almost Counts For Nothing

by JiminyCrispies 1/1/2016

written by JiminyCrispies

Today was bad. The Angels were bad. The visual hallucinations were bad. Everything was bad. I almost died.
I was barely able to get out of bed because of the Angels; but I forced myself because of my dogs. I was almost unable to stay downstairs this morning; but I had to make myself because I got lumbered with my brother while my mum and stepdad stayed in bed. The visual hallucinations got almost unbearable around this time – 9:50, I believe it was. Everything would move around, faces were everywhere, figures were everywhere. Despite how awful they got, I got my brother to distract […]

1/1/2016 2 comments

Ruined

by JiminyCrispies 12/26/2015

written by JiminyCrispies

Despite the fact that I hate Christmas, I was somewhat having a reasonably okay day yesterday. That was until my biological dad decided to harass my mother and I during the afternoon. After not hearing from him in 6 months, he sent awful messages to us about how I’m a disappointment and useless (after understanding how bad my mental state is when he first got back into contact, he decided he couldn’t cope and thought it was best to tell me how he’s better off without someone as ‘insane’ and ‘unstable’ as me). After getting no response from myself and minimal from my mother, he […]

12/26/2015 2 comments

I can only cry

by evildandelions 12/25/2015

written by evildandelions

It’s as if all I can do is cry.

Even just spending maybe two hours with my family for Christmas was hard. Pretending to be okay even though I feel like half my family is missing- how could I be spending Christmas without her?

How could I be spending my life without her?

It still feels unreal; I think of her, of memories with her and I can’t believe that she could leave me. She called me her wife. She said I was for forever. I just can’t get over the idea that she’s gone. The idea that she could leave me, that we wouldn’t be together, was […]

12/25/2015 4 comments

Wanting to die for 20 years

by SheWantedToGoBlind 12/22/2015

written by SheWantedToGoBlind

What is it in people that keep them around? I see so much suffering, grief. Awful things- and I think- why do they keep on going? Why don’t they just end the misery?
Why haven’t I ended the misery. I’ve tried to be optimistic. These feelings will pass, the vice will loosen it’s grip upon my neck. And it does, for short while. But, for the past 2 years, the pain has been ever present. The desire to disappear grows with each hour. I look for a cure, for a reason to stay, but cannot find one.

12/22/2015 5 comments

New Voices

by JiminyCrispies 12/22/2015

written by JiminyCrispies

Before I start this, I know it will be all over the place so it will most likely make no sense. But I want to keep a document of what happens with the new voices and Angels.

The new voices are getting worse. They’re louder, and Jeremy isn’t back. Now there’s only four of them at any given time. There’s one set of four that are awful. I hate them. One is a constant intake of breath that is considerably louder than the others. Another comments on what I’m doing, but in a way which is mockingly. The last two are too quiet to be comprehendible, […]

12/22/2015 0 comment

Angels

by JiminyCrispies 12/13/2015

written by JiminyCrispies

My moods have been awful lately, as have the Angels. For months my moods have been out of control. Some days I’ll wake up somewhat okay, and by the afternoon I cannot stand to be around anyone – and the degree of this type of mood fluctuates for roughly 4-5 days.

Then I can have an okay mood last for a period of time, also – yet, this is happening less often now. However, it’s my anger that’s the worst at the moment. My outbursts are becoming more frequent, and the reasons are becoming less obvious. Sometimes they happen due to the slightest change in my […]

12/13/2015 2 comments

Selfish Suicide?!

by Hance_Soelow 11/28/2015

written by Hance_Soelow

I hate it when people generalize suicidal patients and suicide victims as selfish. I hear my friends, family, and doctor say this about suicidal people all the time. Its even prevalent online. They always say that we are only thinking of ourselves, not those who love us. For me, those who want to keep us alive and call us selfish are in fact the very people that are selfish. They’re the ones who want us to live, to be with them, despite the sufferings and emotional torture we endure. They can’t grasp the possibility of us ending our lives by our own hands and accept us […]

11/28/2015 27 comments

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