I wake up today feeling much more like my old self, but just dumb-founded where that self finds, er, itself. How did we wind up here? It really makes no sense to me now. How could I not have just followed the path I was on before? It’s like I couldn’t stand the idea of stability, and so just constantly interrupted and disrupted any and everything that at any time was going smooth.
Had a house, had a girl, somewhat had a job, but still couldn’t find satisfaction. Maybe it was in part still coming to terms with past and present demons, Dad killing himself, mom dying of alzheimers and the impression of feeling unwanted by the actions of my stepdad, and all this other stuff.
I really lost myself, have been lost for 9 months now, and just acted in accordance to what at the time seemed like the best measures to take, but man, I look around now and see where am at in comparison and it’s just awful.
I’m happy to feel much more like my old self, no longer obsessing on suicide and know that it will take small steps to climb out of this.
Just wish didn’t have to go through that lost period, adding so many more issues/obstacles now to overcome.