My next surgery is coming in a week. It is exploratory since doctors are still trying to figure out my body. I am done. I do not ever want to see another doctor, have another surgery, I am done. I am unable to even try committing suicide right now because I am busy with commitments to the odd-jobs I do in the neighborhood. I need these jobs as I am poor and can’t be turning down offers of work. But I don’t allow myself to attempt suicide during these job commitments because if I failed and was placed in a psych ward I fear people […]
Tag:
Commitments
I, like most people here, am looking for answers that we all know don’t exist. Â Despite that we all continue, we push on with blind faith, hoping, wishing, praying that the answers will just suddenly appear before us. Â But I have lost my faith and hope and my wishes and prayers go without response.
I am now 45, and I have been struggling with depression ever since I was 17. Â It has been a long and exhausting trip. Â It has caused me to lose all of my friends, resulted in me being hospitalized for a total of 3 months between high school and college. Â Â And […]
These half-said commitments
Shake under our feet
Unable to be trusted
With anything other than defeat
The moments of clarity
End much too quickly
With clandestine sincerity
And annihilated dignity
My head down, I walk away
Confused and shattered
Broken by another day
But if you’d kiss me one last time
I’d never let your lips leave mine
Through out the past 2 years I’ve been going through a good day bad day situation, but in the past year it has turned into weeks and months. Longest time I was servilely depressed was 3 months, I was cutting my arm and body continuously, it was the school summer holidays, I spent most of that time at home, watching terrible cartoons. I’m 15 years old, right now though I’ve been doing OK for the past 2 weeks, it feels strange and more se-real, more illusionistic yet more eye opening. But I know that the bad days are just creeping up, yet this time I […]
I keep telling my guy that it’s getting harder & harder to not end my pain. I am flustered and short tempered with him bc I want him to help me, I want someone to see that I do not attempt I have been talking about it for a long time, that when I try I will in fact die. I have these reels of rapes and hurt, abandonment, success then failure that just play in my head and I cannot get them to stop. I did a program for PTSD and I use to be some hot shot CEO, but it’s like… I still […]