Building up until the final tease

Through out the past 2 years I’ve been going through a good day bad day situation, but in the past year it has turned into weeks and months. Longest time I was servilely depressed was 3 months, I was cutting my arm and body continuously, it was the school summer holidays, I spent most of that time at home, watching terrible cartoons. I’m 15 years old, right now though I’ve been doing OK for the past 2 weeks, it feels strange and more se-real, more illusionistic yet more eye opening. But I know that the bad days are just creeping up, yet this time I can’t feel them creeping up, other times I just feel the tension creeping up till it snaps. I haven’t slept well in the past week, most of the time when I’m at school I sleep through most of the classes, but this time it’s the feeling you get when you felt like you didn’t sleep at all, when you really did, half asleep half awake, but it’s been continuos each night, my mind is telling me I might have to get used to it. FUCK!!! Most men apparently think about sex every 7 seconds of the day, I think about suicide every 5 seconds of the day. Right now though I have a few commitments to keep me going, but I can’t not help thinking about the fact that this thing is gonna creep up one day when I least expect and get me. There is no escape. Once it does though, I plan to end it. I plan to slice all the way up my arm till the pain kills it and me.