My next surgery is coming in a week. It is exploratory since doctors are still trying to figure out my body. I am done. I do not ever want to see another doctor, have another surgery, I am done. I am unable to even try committing suicide right now because I am busy with commitments to the odd-jobs I do in the neighborhood. I need these jobs as I am poor and can’t be turning down offers of work. But I don’t allow myself to attempt suicide during these job commitments because if I failed and was placed in a psych ward I fear people would see me as unstable and not hire me for these jobs. I am thinking of at least trying suicide again the night before surgery as that’s really the only opportunity I have. I need so badly for this to end. I feel like god only created me to be a medical experiment. And I hate being subjected to doctors. They are, more often than not, so cruel. I don’t have much good to say about doctors.  I often have dreams where I am confined in a hospital hallway or room and there is a doctor there wanting to perform surgery and I beg, I say “I am not having surgery” “I do not want surgery” and I beg and try to escape but I cannot, and the doctors begin torturing me.  God why are you so cruel to subject living beings human and animal to doctors and research scientists who care nothing about us at all? My life would be better if there were no doctors and no scientists so I could be left alone to die in peace, hopefully to escape to a place where there is no one to force me to do anything ever again.
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2 comments
Man thats really really rough. I couldnt come close to understanding the hardships youve gone through. You must be an incredibly strong person to have come this far and im sure feeling this is only natural for someone in your position. You should not feel guilty or in the wrong at all for feeling this way.
Having said that what would have been the point of fighting this far and this hard only to give up now, although i have no idea what youre going through at the moment.
What kind of support network do you have?
I don’t have any support- not that it would make any difference. I was born into a body that isn’t actually supposed to be “viable”, it’s just right on the edge sort of and I’ve been unlucky enough to keep living and living. It’s been my skin, bones, intestines, and other non-vital organs that have been “attacked” by the disease, my heart has (tragically) remained strong. I have not been fighting for life rather my soul has been fighting to be free from this monstrous body and humiliating existence. It is others (parents and doctors) who have “fought” for me to live….well intentioned but misguided… as well as religious leaders terrifying me that I will go to hell for suicide. But a living being should never live this way. If I do not find a way of ending my life I could be subjected to this horror for up to 15 more years.