How do you live when you feel like nothing exists? Like everything is really pointless because were all going to die anyway. Feeling like life has to be a joke…that things cant possibly work like this. Nothing ever lasts, every moment has already passed and theres not a thing you can do to get it back. And it all hurts so bad…that the very short moments you have…your sickness wont even let you enjoy, so you feel your just living to suffer, living just to hurt. Feeling like life has to be a joke that theres no way that your so alone with billions of others out there. No way your so ugly. No way you cant get people to understand you. No way your the “crazy person.” But somehow you find yourself alone..crying in the dark cutting open your skin just to see if this is real, that your alive,that this isnt a joke. Somehow you find yourself still waiting for your “happy moment” that never comes. Waiting for the joke to be over so maybe you can laugh, no matter how sick it is…waiting for someone to pull the curtains and let your real life begin.
Like the title says, this is just a rant about my trials and tribulations. I don’t really know if posting my story will be of any use to anyone but I just couldn’t leave this world without anyone knowing about it. I guess someone should know, even if they don’t really know me. But in all honesty I don’t know if anybody really knows the real me. I wear a mask and pretend to be “normal”. So nobody really knows. They’ll probably never find out either because this page doesn’t link to me in any way. But I figured somebody should know my story and this site would be the place to post it. After all, that’s what the slogan says right? “The suicide project.. share your suicide stories with others”
Oh wow! I just realized that I just went on ranting about the reasons for my rantings…haha! I really am crazy!
I guess once I do the deed, if I can gather up the courage to do it that is, people around me will wonder “why did she do it? she looked fine and she had so much going for her”.. Well I asked myself the same questions for a long long time until I recently found out the root cause for all this. Like most depressed people I used to do a lot of reading on depression and related psychology stuff. So one of the main things they say is that the reason for most people to have depression stems from childhood abuse and trauma. I always skipped these explanations because I didn’t think that I experienced anything of the sort. Then one day after seeing this explanation for the millionth time in an article I decided to find out what this was all about. What did they mean by “abuse”? It turns out there are various forms of abuse and sexual abuse and physical abuse, the ones that immediately comes to mind are only two of them. There are also many forms of psychological abuse which can occur where the behavior of their parent damages the confidence and self esteem of the child or young person, resulting in serious emotional deprivation or trauma. Well in my case it was probably not that serious but it did happen and there were many reasons for this. It started with my father going abroad after my brother was born. My mother was under a lot of pressure and she took it out on me. As a kid I felt safe when my dad was around and when he was not I felt scared. Even after we went to where my dad was and both my parents were there it was the same. My mother would scold me so much and she would always tell me that I was an accident and that nobody wanted me when I was born because I was too ugly. She told me that my grandmother cried when she knew my mother was pregnant with me and that she, my mother, had no choice but to have me even though she didn’t want me. And after I was born she said the doctor brought me out and even though my dad and my grandparents were all there nobody wanted to take the baby from the doctor because I was too dark and ugly. Finally the doctor was surprised and looking at everyone’s faces at which point my grandmother felt bad and so she took me. I have heard this story time in and time out all through out my childhood. It was as if my mother felt some sort of satisfaction or gratification in telling this story to me over and over again. She would laugh while telling it as if it was some joke. But as a child I couldn’t understand why it was funny. Every time the story was told, I’d just sit there silently while everyone else laughed. Anyways, that is how I came into this world. A miserable ugly wretch, unwanted by my own parents and grandparents.
This was just a passive form of abuse. The more active form started later on in my teens. I used to have problems with my friends and I used to go to my mother for advice. She would listen to me and always point out that it was my fault that I was having problems and when we had fights she would always say that my friends didn’t like me because “how could anybody like you when your own mother doesn’t like you”. This rings in my head every time I meet somebody. Its so painful to hear those words in my head. I always expect people to eventually dislike me and leave me. I was so surprised when someone fell in love with me. I guess I was expecting it to eventually fall apart because I always had this phrase ringing in my head. It was like how could anyone love me when people don’t even like me. I guess that’s why I behaved in a self destructive manner by screwing up everything including my career to be with him. I just couldn’t believe that some one loved me and I just held on to it with all my might. But that move was just another nail in my coffin.
And then a lot of stuff happened with this relationship. He was a bit controlling and his parents didn’t like me. We were engaged and about to get married but the parents called off the wedding at the last moment. Anyways these things just dragged me deeper and deeper into my depressive state until it became almost unbearable. I developed a lot of anti-social behaviors. I found it difficult to talk with people if there are many people there. I just got stuck, blacked out, nothing came to mind and I just sat there like an idiot. It still happens to me even now. I get scared that if I say something people will dislike me and leave. It made me more irritated and trivial things set me off into anxiety attacks. I used to scream in my room for hours like a crazy person. And I used to get into fights with my mother and when my brother was there when this happened he would beat me. I’d have bruises all over me afterwards. But my mother would always defend my brother and say that it was my fault for aggravating him. I couldn’t do anything. I’d just cover all my bruises the best I can and get on with my life because I was too ashamed to tell anyone.
Things didn’t get any better after I started working. The panic attacks worsened and I started becoming suicidal. That’s when I decided to seek help and I went to see a psychiatrist all on my own one day after a failed suicide attempt. The f***er gave me anti-depressants after talking to me for 5 mins and sent me off on my way and moved on to the next patient. I was patient number 50. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I took the meds as directed in the morning and it made me feel better, but as it wore off towards the evening I felt more agitated than ever and the anxiety attacks were worse. So I stopped them. Then I told this to my mother and I asked them to please take me somewhere where I can get help. But they didn’t really understand the situation and the main thing they were concerned about was bumping into someone we know while at a psychiatrists place and about people finding out their perfect little girl was f***ed up. So they told me “lets do it once we go abroad”. So after I quit my job and went to where my dad worked, I decided to bring this up again because they seemed to have forgotten it and they acted as if everything was okay. I had never talked about this with both my parents so I sat them both down and I told them “look here, there is something wrong with me. I am sad all the time and suicidal at times. Maybe I should get help before I start on anything else.” Well they listened at the time but they didn’t do anything.
While all this was going on I also went through a couple of failed relationships. I guess I just make myself a doormat to please them because I can’t believe someone would be interested in me. So they wipe their feet on me and leave me to clean up the mess. After the first relationship the next two were much older guys. The second was 8 years my senior and all he wanted was to have fun. I didn’t see it. It ended up in him using me and throwing me out of his life once he was done without so much as a decent apology. A few months ago, this jerk-off got married and he sent me an invite on LinkedIn to get back in touch with me and to let me know of this. The next guy was 10 years my senior. He lied about his age at first but I let it go because we really connected. After a couple of months, he disappeared. His number didn’t work and I couldn’t contact him through any other means. This took a huge toll on my already fragile mental state. When I Googled his name, I couldn’t find anyone with that name and the details he had given me. He said he didn’t use Facebook and I didn’t bother to check this stuff. After searching the web using countless search terms, I came across this guy having the same details but a different name. And to my surprise, this guy was on Facebook and it turned out that it was him and he was married. They had just celebrated their 7th anniversary around the time he met me.
I guess you can imagine what all this did to my already fragile self-confidence and mental state. After all this, I went back to guy number one and we decided to get married, even though the situation was not ideal, what with all his parents objections. But it turned out to be a classic case of marrying in haste and repenting in leisure. I had developed a few bad habits along the way and having a few drinks(alcohol) was one of them. He didn’t like it and we fight about it all the time. He knows about my problems but he pretends that there is nothing wrong with me. He gets annoyed with me when I get depressed. Just like my parents. he doesn’t understand my condition either.
After laying out all the facts like this, I can see that I have taken many wrong turns. Hindsight, as they say, is a wonderful thing but I don’t see how it can help my situation though. Maybe its evolution at work. Maybe I am a weak mutation which is not to survive for the sake of evolution. I don’t really understand all the reasons as to why I am where I am right now. But at the end of the day, I don’t hate anyone. I refuse to die with hatred in my heart. My parents may have made mistakes but I know they never meant to hurt me. My brother treated me the way he did because he didn’t know what he was doing to me and because he too was damaged in a different way. The guys I loved treated me the way they did because I let them treat me that way. There is no point in hating them for it. So at the end of the day, I forgive them all and I do not hate them. I was just not meant to live. I was just not fit for this world. Its just the process of natural selection at work. I know my actions will hurt the people around me. I just hope they can forgive me and that they can move on with their lives without letting my actions have too much of a negative impact on their lives. I maybe naive to hope that but that is all I can do.
Fucking brilliant. I have a tooth infection. Second one in two years, despite excellent dental hygiene (I’ve been a nazi about this stuff since I was 16 and had a prolonged nightmare involving braces and tooth enamel). I’ve had a migraine for two days straight, unrelenting, very little sleep, and now I’ve figured out why. Tooth infections are the most fun, amazing things.
So… probably going to the hospital. Again. I think I should just rip my goddamn teeth out of my head so I don’t have to put up with this shit anymore. They’re more trouble than they’re worth when you don’t have insurance. Either that, or set myself on fire and run down the street flailing my arms like a crazy person to see how many people try to put me out, and how many pull out their cellphones to catch some video.
Fuck bacteria. Fuck teeth. Fuck hospitals. Fuck insurance. Fuck money. Just fuck it. Because it’s Fuck-This-Shit O’Clock and I’m too tired to figure out a logical conclusion for this fucking post.
My name is Nick mills. I am 18 going on 19 in march. For my whole life the only person who has cared about me is my father. My mother doesnt care, my siblings resent me, for no real reason, other than that i just don’t belong or have ruined their lives somehow by being birthed into this god forsaken world. Constitantly seeking approval, because no one has ever approved of anything i have done. I am currently on my 5th year of high school, alternative ed starting at the end of last year at Lincoln High School owosso michigan, (track me down and murder me idc) and idk i have one hour a day left starting November until march then i am done. but apparently i need to be punished more so than i have allready been punished during my whole life. I dont know how people can deal with it. ive only become suicidal recently ( a year or so ago) because its all that i think will cause all of this to end. I know suicide isnt ever the answer, but how can it not be? its not like i am bullied or anything, the last time i was bullied was in 4th grade by a kid named Austin Goodwin, who i beat the shit out of and tried to kill. I am a big guy, 300 lbs, and not a lot of people want to mess with me because of that. I used to think that i was mentaly strong, i didnt cry when my best friend died, because i dont want to show emotions. Nor when my favorite uncle who genuinely loved me died. Nor when my great uncle died. as of late i am having troubles sleeping at night, i wake up every 30 minutes for no real reason, and then get in trouble at school when i try not to pass out but do anyways. Oh and im not a crazy person btw. I know well enough not to go postal, hack n slash people. just so you know. i am forced to live with my “mom” and my “step dad” because i cannot ask my father to live with him, its just not possible for me to do. i CANNOT ask people for anything, which is probably why i never took my schools offer for a therapist because they thought someyhing was wrong, i told them no everythings ok multiple times, so they stopped asking me, sometimes i wish theyt just dragged me out of my house or classroom and forced me to see a therapist, but i could never ask for one. its not in my nature to rely on other people to help me solve my problems. im currently reading this suicide: read this first link on the side of the page. hmm..
“You need to hear that people do get through this — even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.”
i know people get through this sort of thing, but i dont think i can. i gave up all hope a month ago. And i have come to the conclusion that my 18 almost 19 years of “life” have been a big joke to people., im the guy thats quite in your classroom, who listens to everything everyone says, im the listener that you can use as an emotional sponge, im the guy who doesnt want to have a girlfriend because it will distract me, im the guy who doesnt show any emotion and tries his best to cover up any sort of emotion leakage with lies, the guy who wants to hear that he is accepted in this world, the guy who will take a bullet for his best friend or a random person, the guy who writes half a book then burns it because i dont think its worthy and wont be approved, the guy who locks himself in his room, the guy who needs a hug from time to time, but no one ever cares.
“Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things – just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.”
i feel like i have given myself enough time.
“People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.”
the only relief is sleep. a coma maybe. maybe people will notice me again.
“Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. ”
its not ok for me to ask for help. i cant do it. its like shots, i havent had one since i was in the hospital because my kidneys shut down. Oh did i mention that? i died there btw, incase you wanted to know, for a whole 10 seconds or 20 i cant remember. the only one who cried was my father. Im sure my mother smiled secretly. she only keeps me around for the tax deduction.
“Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.”
if i could bring myself to get help i wouldnt be ranting on sp
Results of your Depression Quiz You scored a total of 81
So i dont know if thats a good score or bad. i dont feel like reading anymore. im just.. tired.. i want to sleep, im physically tired mentally tired just tired. I dont get tired easily, even though ima big guy, running kills me though and walking really fast. But i can do anything you skinny fuckers can do so i dont care. i can sprint, i can play running back, i can play tag, basketball even though i suck, baseball, soccer, size doesnt mean everything so fuck you.
6k text so far, thats the most i have ever typed into a thing like this, i just realized that ive been stairing at the screen for 10 minutes, this is the first time since elementary school that i havent wanted to look at my keyboard and have been able to type withough looking, thats great.
so enough about me what about you, what do you like to do for fun, movies firneds> games.? ive stopped carring about grammar and spelling as well, i dont care for the difference between your and the other one you’re . their and there they’re are simple because they make sense. and what is with several, why isnt that 7 why is it 4. that makes no sense to me what so ever. i got a a on my test the other day, in case youy wanted to know, but i dont think you care about that. it rained today, it was cool, i think someone was shooting a gun outside, which is strange because i live in the city area and not the forest area. Pre calc was fun as well. i like math. and history. but not science, lol here i go again, back to topic. a few weeks ago my and my best friend shelton parks went to bens house and smoked, it was fun, he got so high, i had fun for a little, iam thirsty, are you? and tired. my step dad wants me to do the dishes, so before we start arguing about nothing i am going to end this here, 7663 letters.
How do you change your thought process? I’m not talking about just negativity, here. The way you think. I’ve been so analytical in my thought process that the only way to change is to constantly brainwash myself towards another way of thinking, and that’s what I need to escape from. I want to live in a more direct “Living by the moment for the moment”, not “Living in my brain about the moment in the moment”. I can’t just “live”. I don’t need a happily ever after either. Just normal conversations with a person. My father. My friend. Anyone. (Yeah, I’m a loner. I hardly ever speak in public.) And yeah, sure, everyone thinks analytically about things. Of course. It’s human nature.
It’s all fucking day. It’s a every minute of every fucking day. Usually if I’m lucky, I’ll be at peace for a couple hours. But that’s when I’m alone and drawn into some sort of entertainment. I also feel at peace when I’m on some sort of hard drug. I can draw from my positive side when on drugs. Think about things that I can achieve in life, and what I want. But… I’m not an addict. And nor will I allow myself to live as an addict. Drugs are a possible temporary escape but it’s only temporary. There will be long-term effects, as well as immediate effects from using drugs. Suicide? Gosh that sounds so droll. Has a ‘crazy-person, mental patient, quitter’ feel to it. I don’t like it. But, I would rather it be all or nothing. I don’t want a decade long drug diet. Spare me that extra drama.
Thought about killing myself before, but gave myself time. It’s been two years and everything is the same. (Two years isn’t too long, but still)
Yup. Things could get better. Whether you hope for it everyday or you don’t, change (For better or for worse) will be unexpected.
I have been putting myself in social situations. Tried to have good times. But the more I hang around people and try to converse and have a good time, the more fake I feel when I do. I feel like an actor. An actor in some big, stupid first person movie starring ‘me’. And EVERYONE is watching. I don’t want to be an actor damn it. I don’t want to be here.
So I’m going to stick it out. I’m going to fulfill my financial obligations to the people I owe to, get some stuff ready, and bow my final farewell.
I think I’m going to travel around the country, to amazing places with a camcorder. Give my family some good things to remember me by. (Good thing I don’t have kids or an SO.) Yosemite National Park is an absolute must.
My departure could be anytime though. Most likely years. So I got time.
I am on klonopin and abilify and it had been working really really well for a few months. But now, even though nothing in what I take, how I take it, and when, its stopped working and I have regressed. Now everything is worse than it was before, I rarely feel anything and when I do its usually intense anger or sadness and I have started cutting again. My therapist wants me to consider inpatient therapy but there is such a stigma that I am afraid because I dont want people looking at me like I am a crazy person. Suicide is a thought that has rarely left my mind and I do not think that I will ever be happy. If I will never be happy then I dont want to live. I feel like I am trapped in a small corner of hell and I dont know what I can do to get out of it. Help me, somebody, please.
Let’s say you’re feeling like life is completely hopeless, and you just want to end it all. Some well-meaning person drops you off at the psych ward where you’re greeted with more pills, more doctors, and depressingly weak coffee (I’ve been there). There’s nothing terribly interesting to do, so you get bored. Maybe your new medications have terrible side effects. Maybe you get frustrated about being treated like a crazy person and you tell yourself, ‘I have sunk to a new low; I’m screwed’. You notice how odd it is that a facility designed to treat severely depressed people is so depressing.
Occasionally the doctors ask you how you’re feeling. At first you’re honest, but then you get to the point where you’ll say anything to be discharged. So you start lying to the doctors. You tell them you’re doing fine, when you’re actually feeling even more suicidal. They remark on your progress, and you’re on your way home.
You have a fleeting moment of ecstasy when you are freed from the hospital, but you’re still dealing with those destructive feelings that got you into this mess in the first place. You also have some psych-ward trauma under your belt.
You realize that your time in the hospital did nothing to help you in the real world. You feel stuck and you don’t know what to do.
Now you’re feeling like life is completely hopeless, and you just want to end it all.
I’m a 25 year old who is married to a very loving husband. Really he is my only good thing in my life. I feel so depressed because I can’t graduate from college. I’ve tried to hard to pass math to graduate but its not working and I’m unable to finish. I have taken it several times and I have tried every method in the book. I am just not a math person. So I’m working at a movie theatre with teenagers to make ends meet even though I’m barely making them because I get min. wage and not very many hours, just part time. I am so ashamed of my life and who I am. I want to be more sucessful. Even getting another min. wage job would work if I got enough hours. I’ve been trying to find a second job, different job. Anything. I feel inadequate and not worthy of life. My sister is a complete ***** and I’ve been thinking about taking her out of my life but I can’t bare to live a life without my niece. She’s just a baby but I want to have a relationship with her in the future. I’m scared of what the future will hold. I can’t stand toÂ have someone who is always negative, always hurts me, says mean things, and acts like a complete crazy person all the time. I go see a therapist but it doesnt seem to be work nor do the meds I’ve tried. I know its stupid and I wont kill myself. At least not today but why do I keep on contemplating it? I’ve tried to make my life better but it doesnt seem to be working. Without my husband being there for me and knowing what I’m going through I’m not sure if I could do it. It does help to have that support system. I guessÂ I’m just writing this to rant and get my feelings out. I’m not sure what else to do. I just feel so unhappy all the time and I am so depressed with my life. Financially, Emotionally, Physically ( i have very bad arthritis that prevents me from walking sometimes and not able to work out very well so im overweight), etc. Everything is just shitty and I’m not sure what to do to make me happier or make life better.