My mentor told me something a few days ago, that stuck with me. She said: “You really want to leave your family with that kind of pain?” Hmm, no. But I’m tired of ME being in pain. I’m tired of waking up everyday, and hating that I have woken up. Im tired of faking a smile and making people think I’m ok. I’m tired of never being good enough for anyone. I’m tired of hurting people. Yes I know that if I kill myself that people will be sad and hurt. But they will get over it. Its not like Im something valuable to this […]
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enough
I have often wondered why total strangers care whether or not I suicide. I have come to the conclusion that it is like pointing out that the emperor has no clothes. Every person that suicides is reminding the other 70%-90% that they should too. That it is only false hopes and fake beliefs that keep them here.
I wish I could go back (40 years!) and talk to my 16 year old self. I would tell him to end it now. I would tell him that it takes me 35 years to give up hope and by then you have “responsibilities”. So now you are stuck: […]
Back story: Me and my family have never gotten on. Now…
When I was in Year 4 my mother’s constant manipulation and verbal abuse over me was enough to drive me suicidal. That may sound petty, but nothing was ever good enough for her. Whenever I went out with my dad she would say “If anyone asks, don’t tell them she’s my daughter” if I had greasy hair or something. Anyway, she honestly did not care about my emotional state. I would always be walked in on when I was on the verge of killing myself.
Anyway, later on in the year I made a promise to […]
I didn’t write a title because I honestly do not know what I’m supposed to call my messed up story…
Back story: Me and my family have never gotten on. Now…
When I was in Year 4 my mother’s constant manipulation and verbal abuse over me was enough to drive me suicidal. That may sound petty, but nothing was ever good enough for her. Whenever I went out with my dad she would say “If anyone asks, don’t tell them she’s my daughter” if I had greasy hair or something. Anyway, she honestly did not care about my emotional state. I would always be walked in on […]
You want to help someone, but you can’t. You try, but everything has failed. You want to give up, but you can’t.
What are you afraid of ? Stop running. Stand there. Stand and be strong. Be strong.
I am your safe haven. I will be your safe haven on earth. It’s okay. Stay with me. Don’t go. Don’t leave me. I will be strong enough for you.
I think.
No. I must.
I cut again today. It was the first time I had in a while, for at least a month or two. I came home from a birthday dinner in a normal mood. I had somewhat attempted to make plans after the dinner but then decided it was too much effort to try and figure out what people were doing and I was kind of tired. I felt like people didn’t want me to hangout with them after, but I’m almost certain it was all in my head considering I didn’t put out very much effort and I’m also somewhat known as wanting to stay home […]
I think I am going to do it this week. I won’t say how but too be honest i have tried everything to fix myself and nothing works. The woman I love so dearly has given up on me and our friendship because I can’t stop seeing another woman that gives me nothing, it’s all my fault and I feel as though I’m drowning every day. My uni work is piling and piling and piling and regardless that I graduate in a few months time it’s not enough to keep me going.
I never used to be depressed. I was so happy at one stage in […]
This is my first post to this site and I’m a little apprehensive. My soon to be fiancé and I broke up yesterday. I’ve been crying ever since. She and I met online. She was going to be the last person I talked to before I ended my lifei . SHe and her boyfriend had broken up and I wanted to make sure she was okay and make one last person happy before I ended my life. We started dating and I was planning on proposing. It all came to a stop yesterday. I’ve got bad PTSD as I am a volunteer law enforcement officer. […]
So many times I’ve been told “it gets better”. In my case, it eventually will, but it could take 5 years or longer, and I can’t make it for that long. For those 5+ years, I’ll be stuck with my own body making my life hell. I can’t have relationships, I can’t do a lot of the things I want to do, getting dressed or hearing the sound of my own voice will be torture, just like it has been for so many years already.
I already tried to end it before, only a few months ago. I collected painkillers, but I quickly realised that I […]
On my way to hell…I passed a lonely church.. the congregation weakened by the warnings of the words.. scriptures toppling proverbs under a deceitful preacher’s curse.. what would they have to say, as they lay me into dirt… many places you can turn but where he goes is worse… don’t be this man you see inside, instead we close the box for good..lay it down to rest, pave it over as we should..
no need for leaving markers we seek to find one day.. if you listen hard enough, you can hear a dead man say.. heaven never had me, and claims of shallow graves.. […]
Once upon a time ago, there was a little girl that honestly couldn’t have pictured a more perfect life. She was a successful athlete, had friends, a great girlfriend, but apparently that just wasn’t enough to help her survive. Where she grew up, if you were a good athlete you were automatically popular, so she was popular. But she didn’t like feeling superior to others, so she kept the friends she grew up with. However, they weren’t athletic so this girl that once had it made was now getting talked shit on by the whole high school. Why would they spread such harsh things about […]
where did it all go so wrong. it wasn’t just one event but a build up a slow etching away of humanity and life, you take away this and I settle for that. then this and this and this and that is gone. Wait there is more to lose and I settle for that…no that is not enough this is gone too and even more…no walks in the park, no hugging your dog no gong to work and put up with the regular BS, no family to talk to, no face to recognize…. NOTHING left of value or importance, what left too look forward too
I know you aren’t to bring religion onto this site, but it’s important in order to understand why this is hurting me.
I grew up in a strong Christian family. We always go to church and pray and follow the Bible. But that’s the problem. My family had their minds set on what was wrong and right, and they weren’t going to change what they thought. According to the Bible, two people of the same gender are not to be together. But that’s what depressed me.
I met this girl and to me, she was everything that I’ve ever wanted. But again, I was from a “Christian” […]
Even the dog wants me gone. I heard growling last night & found her staring right at me through the window & growling! Plus every time she sees me she cowers, like I’m gonna hit her. I haven’t done anything except block her escape holes.
The friend has now moved in & I am reduced to staying downstairs, eating muesli bars for dinner, simply cos there’s not enough for me. Not enough food, not enough room.
Oh & those who are wondering, I managed to plead to stay for another few weeks. Not that I think it’ll do me any good.
I am so tired. My method so easy. It’s just so unfair how easy, painless, and certain it will be.
I keep coming to the same two doorways. Both lead me here.
Behind one is that I am right and I am in fact good for nothing but working day in and day out. That I’m worth no more than what could be traded for money and in the long run, a comfortable place to enjoy loneliness in a body with genes that nobody would prefer to pass onto their least favorite kind of mushrooms.
Behind the second is that I am wrong and in fact crazy. That […]
I am looking for my life partner from any FIRST NATION WORLD, where life is not as depressed as where i am presently living. I lived some years in UK and I never felt depression as i am feeling in India. I am willing to relocate and have enough money that I can buy a small house there.
Every time i read any discussion forum on depression, i get the same answer that you are not alone and somebody is always there to help you. If such a help really exist please come forward to help. I will be thankful for my whole life for such […]
I keep thinking about cutting again. I haven’t done it in several years. But something should make me feel better. The surrogate relationship I’m trying to let happen only makes me feel worse. Fucking virgins. I got out of the cherry chasing game a long time ago. Why cant she see that I will destroy her? I never cut for the pain. I have a high pain tolerance so it doesn’t really hurt much. I just like watching the blood. Watching the life trickle out of me. Watching it course down my skin until it drips. Wishing I was selfish enough to let out all […]
I’ve always struggled with depression, and thoughts of suicide. Not sure why, just can’t seem to shake this ball of acid in my chest -. Anger/misery/disappointment. The focus sometimes dwindles but never entirely cuts off. and every time it comes back it gets more intense. Just under a month ago my best friend killed himself. We used to talk a lot about these feelings (we both shared). He obviously had enough of it all though. I just feel so fucking alone. I’ve wept every day since I found out. On top of this I’m experiencing severe body pains, my legs seem to be gradually failing […]
Today was fine.
But fine is not enough.
And I cut myself for fun.
Because I can.
Because no matter how happy I get,
I still rather be dead.
what is a permalink? it appeared out of nowhere i did not put it there… hello how are you doing? i hope you are alright. i thought about this place now because i am going to put an end on it and i would like someone to know it i want to say it i want to say it to someone who is not going to lock me up and say i am crazy i know i am insane i’ve had enough i am not even distressed i know what i should do and i am calm i already told my mom i am going […]