I keep thinking about cutting again. I haven’t done it in several years. But something should make me feel better. The surrogate relationship I’m trying to let happen only makes me feel worse. Fucking virgins. I got out of the cherry chasing game a long time ago. Why cant she see that I will destroy her? I never cut for the pain. I have a high pain tolerance so it doesn’t really hurt much. I just like watching the blood. Watching the life trickle out of me. Watching it course down my skin until it drips. Wishing I was selfish enough to let out all out. I think I’ll watch the blood tonight.
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Maybe there’s a connection between the urge to cut and the virgin thing – both give us a feeling of power and control over something forbidden or “taboo”. I think about cutting when I feel powerless. It makes me feel like the rodent in the old cartoon picture of the mouse flipping off the eagle just as the bird is about to swoop down and devour it. I wish there was abnother way to combat feelings of helplessness.
– peace