Cutting again.

I cut again today. It was the first time I had in a while, for at least a month or two. I came home from a birthday dinner in a normal mood. I had somewhat attempted to make plans after the dinner but then decided it was too much effort to try and figure out what people were doing and I was kind of tired. I felt like people didn’t want me to hangout with them after, but I’m almost certain it was all in my head considering I didn’t put out very much effort and I’m also somewhat known as wanting to stay home when I am tired. So I came home to my mom sitting on the couch watching tv and my dad had already gone to sleep. We talked for a little about the dinner and then she told me she had to go pick up my brother from a party. So I went to my room and started to get ready for bed and I got a text from her saying my little brother was going to have a few kids over. Since my mom was only driving about four kids, I assumed it was only going to be those few. I begged her not to let him, I was tired and wanted the house quiet so I could have some alone time. She refused, and I stupidly tried to lie and tell her I got the stomach flu. She still refused and showed up to my house with about 20 little kids. I was beyond annoyed. Every time I ask her to please not let him she allows it. There are so many instances when I am out that he can have people over, but usually when I come home early its because I need to gather my thoughts. So because I am irrational, borderline autistic, and have a sensory sensitivity issue, I went ballistic. I told my mom I was going to go rent a room at the most expensive hotel in my county and sleep there and she couldn’t stop me because I have a fake ID. Then I told her I would punch her if she wouldn’t listen. I basically went psychotic and she grabbed me and yanked me up to the room with my dad sleeping and swore she would kick me out if I left the room. My dad was mad that my mom allowed my brother to have so many people over, and tried to reason with her. She said she would try and get them to leave as soon as possible. I was still locked in the room with my dad trying to sleep, just crying. It’s not a cry out of self pity just this desire for escape and peace away from everything. I feel like I don’t have a space for myself. My room is the closest thing, but I can still hear everyone through the walls. I have some head phones which help, but anyone can barge in and startle me (I am easily startled). So in the dark room I found a pin and just starting picking at my skin. It helped me focus on something else and helped me stop crying. Before I knew it, I had a two or three inch cut along the inside of my wrist. The noise had started to die down so I went downstairs and picked a little more at it before stopping and deciding to write about it. As I was in the middle of writing this, my mom came in furious at me and I frantically tried to hide my cut. I tried to just tell her I needed my space, and eventually she calmed down and left. She makes me want to kill myself- her and my sister. I am on so much medication and have so much extra stuff thats supposed to make me feel better, but sometimes the only thing I think helps is getting away from my mom and sister until I can calm down and convince myself I like myself enough to stop thinking suicidal thoughts. I really don’t know what to do anymore, and I wonder everyday why I don’t have enough guts to pull the trigger. I would be so much better off dead and so would most of the people around me.