A while back, maybe a couple months ago, I learned that my younger brother has had suicidal thoughts. He doesn’t know I know that. I found a few discarded journal pages lying around while cleaning up the spare room I’m staying in. I don’t know if this is a current thing or not but it scares the hell out of me. Not even for the obvious reason of him harming himself in any way, because I’m almost positive he wouldn’t. It’s because now I don’t know how badly it would affect everyone when I do finally kill myself, and the last thing I want in […]
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This is a scenario I have played out a few times in my mind. I sometimes wish I had an observer so I could show them all the mental suffering I go through on a daily basis. Everything from how interactions with people is basically me being an anxious, dumb minded wreck to seeing how little enjoyment I get from the things I should be enjoying.
Ideally the observer should be placed in my head and feel the same things (ooo maybe a cool sci fi story can be made about this). They eventually will soon realize that something must be done and this state cannot […]
I’m not too bright. Maybe because I’m blonde. A complete understatement. For me, anyways. I’m clumsy. Not really that good looking either. To me, anyways. Most of all, bad luck seems to follow me everywhere. Definition of ‘accident prone.’ Some times it feels like the big guy in the sky has it out for me. But seeing as I’m still alive, he must not want me that much. Maybe he just likes to watch me suffer.
So far, I had to go to the mental hospital three times. All together I have 16 scars, and that’s only on my right arm. A […]
I saw my therapist yesterday. Surprisingly I opened up to her a lot about the voices (she knows about the other set which aren’t the Angels). The Angels weren’t there, so I wasn’t as nervous as I usually am in my sessions.
She did the number scales with me again. 0-10 on how likely I am to listen to the voices. The first was how likely I am to hurt myself because of them, I said 5 (it’s really a 8 or 9), but she was happy with that. And the other was how likely I am to hurt others because of […]
It makes me very sad thinking about dying, but it makes me even more sad thinking about carry on surviving this life day after day… I can’t deal anymore with this pain, pain for the things I lost (my love, my family, my self esteem, my happiness) and pain for the regret that it was all my fault. It was all my fault and I could have avoided it easily. I am just weak and unwise.
The things that is stopping me from ending this agony are the consequences for those who will stay. How can I do something like that to my family? I already […]