…Charlie Chow Mein. His fees are reasonable…some daily catnip and treats. And food. Lots of food. Fresh water. Belly rubs. Ear rubs. Toys. A $300 cat post(ikr! It was on sale for half price) that reaches the ceiling and takes up most my living room. Attention whenever he wants it. And I have to share my food. He likes deli meat, vegetable crackers and coconut flavoured yogurt. So worth it though. He keeps all my secrets, lets me cry all over him, he feels nice to […]
I can’t kill myself because it would destroy my family, but I don’t want to live. My mother died 6 weeks ago. It occurred to me then that I might be free to end my life, as I have thought about doing for a long time. She was the main reason I could not kill myself, because I believed that doing so might literally kill her as well. Now that she’s gone, though, I look at my sisters and see how much they depend on me and each other, and I still can’t do it. I have a good family. I can’t act on these […]
In a couple days I will turn 21 and when I do I’ll have fresh cuts on my body. I can’t help but look back on the long list of failures In my life. Yesterday at a fast food place strangers at the table next to me were laughing at me and I heard them say “he looks like the hunch back of Notre dam” and I cut myself a lot over that. On my birthday I have to see and know there are dozens of fresh cuts and old scars.
There isn’t enough time in the world to go into depth of how much I […]
It’s been a while since I have been here 1 year. I deleted my other posts to start fresh.
I tried to be happy until up about a month ago. I tried to be positive. I ended up right back where I started and I don’t want to relapse. But it’s so hard. I feel worthless. Sometimes I think to myself is life worth living? But then again I’m just sad and I need to stop. But I can’t. These thoughts over run my mind. I just don’t know anymore.
The holidays are coming up and I’ve never felt more alone more empty more sad. The memories hurt the most now. I have dreams about it and I wake up with this fresh pain and its torture. It was just a dream right, but it’s also my new reality. It sucks I want to cut myself just make one good slice into my skin reopen the scars to distract from these memories that keep resurfacing. I get that life is better off now than it ever was I get that I was living a painful lie. That doesn’t change that it hurts that my heart […]
The past few months have been really hard, with the experiences of my past and the relationships I have with my family now, I feel like I can’t go on with all of this rubbish.
I see a therapist to help me try to get back on track with my life and I take anti-depressants, but I feel like my reactions and emotions with what has happened is permanently seared into my heart and soul. Whenever I wake up and I get that painful stab in my chest, you the feeling of your heart literally breaking. I cry almost everyday, longest I have gone without crying […]
So I am just done. Done with life, done with daily strife, just done. This morning I went out to my car, ready to start a fresh new day at work. I get there and start my car. Smoke starts pouring out of the front and back of the car and it won’t move. I end up having to call a tow truck to come get my car and calling out of work since I had no car to get into work with. And I had no PTO. So now I am worried about losing my job. I take my car […]
It started when I moved schools. I thought this would be a fresh start but one of my old best friends decided to ruin it since I was “taking her place”. She told the entire school I sent this boy nudes and that I stalked the most popular boy in our grade who was my guy best friend. Then to make it even worse she told my group “the populars” who excepted me and took me in that I called the head volleyball player in our school fat for no reason. I got home from gymnatics and had no idea this had even happend yet […]
I’m two days late. And a year late. It doesn’t matter to you but it does to me and I’m sorry. A lot has happened, but little has changed. I still miss you. A lot. I don’t think about you enough, it makes me too sad when I do. I wish I did though, it’s worth it to keep the thoughts of you fresh. It was nice to see your parents again today, it always is. I hope that they’re doing okay, as impossible as it may seem. I don’t want to say too much this year, I’m already having enough difficulty as it is. […]
ive never want to cut so much in my life,
to feel that cool red liquid pour out of a fresh cut,
to feel that moment of relief,
to see the blood give in,
to see the blood turn to scabs then the scabs to scars,
its the best way to cope,
the only way i know,
because im sick of living this life,
tired of who i am
I am breathing, but barely. Life was, “O-K”, for a while. And then…And then my life nosedived. My mental state went from being stable to barreling into the Mariana’s Trench. I ate, but the food had no taste. I drank, but nothing was cool enough. I saw but everything was in grayscale. I felt nothing. Not the wind in my face, nor the heat of the bath. I felt my heartbeat in my chest as if it were a taunting reminder of the cord that holds me to life.
Moving on in the night, I once gained a sense of comfort from cleaning; and so I […]
The deeper I cut,
The more I cut deep.
Deeper and deeper I cut.Â
The more I cut,
The more often I cut,
More and more I cut.
The more scars I have,
The more fresh cuts come,
More and more fresh cuts come.
When there’s not enough blood,
I cut deeper and more,
Deeper and more I cut.
When my cuts stop bleeding,
My head starts spinning,
Slowly, slowly I die.
My eyes see blurry,
My eyes see nothing,
Nothing, nothing I see.
I lie down on the floor,
On the hard cold floor,
Cold, cold is the floor.
My heart pumps fast,
Not long will it last,
Fast, fast my heart beats.
My body feels heavy,
And then it feels light,
Up to […]
I’ve been on here since 2011, but recently made this account after not being on here for 5 months, fresh start 🙂
I come back and Bam! I don’t get this format AT ALL. please help
So far my day is okay. Hope all of yours is too. Hoping it stays that way. My mood likes to fluctuate whenever it sees fit so I’m just going to listen to some mellow music and maybe daydream of something nice…like walking the beach with a future soul mate or laying in the woods listening to the birds. Also, random I know, but my backyard smells awesome because I just cut the grass yesterday and I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5P7tD15whU
I cut while taking a bath tonight for the first time. For some reason it was so much better than cutting dry. The blood swirled around in the water, seeping from my skin. It was beautiful. I was almost hypnotized by it.
Also, nothing is better than going to bed with fresh cuts I’ve decided.
Oblivion, sweet temptress!
your softly whispered secret
so simple, seductive
offers welcome respite
to a vulnerable ear
in that fractured moment
I fall shaking at your feet
your womb-like embrace
offered so freely, lovingly,
promises fresh, silent wholeness
to a man balled on the floor
but temptress, beware
your mask is slipping
something subtle, sinister
belies your seductive call
you are no temptress
you are a siren
luring poets to their doom
That moment.
That feeling.
That place.
You can feel yourself…
Alone.
Hot water
Running down your
Face.
Washing away the pain
The hurt
The filth.
The water pressure
Against your back
The feeling of both
Relief and loneliness
Every memory from that day
Running through your mind
Greif in your body
Depressed
The water burning the cuts
That is fresh
Overwhelmed in the moment
A place to be alone.
Yup, new poem.
Bit of a change of pace for me. Don’t know if I love it but maybe it’s something I can build on. Less depression-centric but hopefully people here might still relate.
Don’t You Remember
Don’t you remember when the furthest edge of the earth was the corner of your street?
When we hated the street lights because they signified that it was time to go inside?
When Sundays seemed to last a life-time and we despised the rain because it meant we couldn’t go outside to play?
How something as simple as a cardboard box could entertain for hours?
It wasn’t just utilitarian, it was […]
She’s 13
and can already
tell you everything about
self destruction.
She can tell you how
to dress fresh cuts
in the dark with
makeshift bandages.
And which foods are easy
to throw up.
She knows a thousand
excuses,”I already ate”
“I’m just cold” , “the cat did it”
She learned to hold
all her feelings inside
until late at night
and cover her mouth
with her hand
so no one hears her.
She […]
hey guys, just do some errands and get off from this planet
planet earth is so screwed, it is no more the right place for people like us
it’s been stinking from billions of years and billions of humans made it more worsen
” Just hold OOON for 80 years, you are free to go”
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