I have always had a rain cloud follow me my whole life its called depression and anxiety and self hate. I wasn’t born capable of being happy or lost it as i grew older and life unfolded. I lack or never had the tools to love myself. I cant remember a time when i wasn’t depressed and anxious. Even as a kid id never smile have bad self esteem. I fear ill never be able to live on my own and function through adulthood unassisted and happy. Every bad memory traumatic sad event I’ve been through is burnt into my brain. I’ve watched milestone after milestone pass me by i see people my age and earlier get girlfriends,jobs,cars and apartments and I’m stuck here alone unloved,unemployed and futureless living with few family members who would be overjoyed for me to be out there lives forever.
I can’t see a reason to continue living anymore when each day is a uphill battle waking up in the morning and my first thoughts and emotions are anger,deep sadness and self injurious.I do not even try to do good by myself like iv grown accustomed to the pain and cant be with out it. I overeat to the point I’m obese binge eating takes my mind of the sorrow eating my feelings. I also have been cutting myself since age 15 and over the years have covered my legs,arms,chest and stomach with tons of ugly noticeable scars. I don’t even care about it anymore I figure I cut myself up so much what’s the difference if I stopped now. It gives me relief and a clam seeing the blood pour out.
I binge drink till I blackout I can’t have one or six drinks I have a full fifth bottle of whiskey in one sitting or gallons of wine or beer till I’m numb incoherent its self medicating to escape from my joyless life. I get the urge and hurt in my heart to want to get very drunk and cut myself every few days. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy and have a family,money,friends live on my own happy normal. I’ve spent days on end locked in my room not even getting up to shower and change clothes or eat. Some days I have no apatite at all others I could eat ten thousand plus calories till I’m nausea.
I have been extra interested in suicide as a serious option recently researching methods how to’s how not to fail and dangers of a failed attempt.I think death would finally give me peace and end my mental suffering and take me out the lives of those who don’t want me around. What I’m doing now isn’t living and I don’t think I will be able to make it on my own in this world. I’m 24 living with a single parent that is stressed bitter about her life and disappointed and burdened by me. I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel no hope for the future. I don’t want to live thirty or more years miserable hating myself never being happy and hurting myself. I’d have elementary school teachers call me in at recess to see why Im down sad crying not doing work i wasn’t happy as a kid,teen now I’m not as an adult. I never loved myself or succeed did well in school,jobs or anything i have no skills positive attributes theres nothing i like about myself i never did anything of any value in my entire life no one would miss me just a massive disappointment and failure.
I barely graduated high school with a horrible GPA and the crappy minimum wage jobs i had I could barely do those. I had coworkers say can’t you read thinking I’m a complete imbecile mentally retarded.I fear even going out in public(anxiety,depression) And be possibly insulted by strangers. I went to McDonald year or so ago random table of teen kids laughing calling my hunchback of Norte dame(I most be a grotesque monster to be compared to that character) or kids in school taking my fries off my food tray saying I’m fat and don’t need it I’ve seen how complete strangers treat and speak to me I don’t deserve respect or basic human kindness i guess I’m just an ugly dumb troll with scars all over his body. And the worst being sexually abused everyone just forgot it act like I’d didn’t happen never spoke of it again “was he kidding trying to be funny when he grabbed you…”makes me physically ill will always have that disgusting memory no one cared they new I wasn’t lying one of my family members sat and watched allowed it to happen and I didn’t call the cops.The only form of love I’ve had in my whole life and it was a father grabbing his drunk son those are the events that make me think I’ll never be happy.
And I’ll wake up tomorrow with the same memories same body and life that I can’t escape from. I just want to be happy have friends be able to live but it seems impossible My anxiety and depression have reduced me to this scared unsure existence where I think of hurting myself or dying few times a day I know that’s not normal. I’ve only been to a therapist psychologist once or twice when I was 16 and I got prescribed some generic Xanax that didn’t help and i ended up eating 20 or so (tiny milligram)just because I wanted to hurt myself or maybe die. How can I be happy and build and normal happy life for myself?Where will I be in 20 years dead from suicide,alcohol related cancer or working a miserable job it doesn’t look good I honestly consider ending it all I don’t even think its possible for me to be normal, happy and successful. Maybe if anyone has been through similar circumstances can tell me how they mange or found happiness overcame it all. I have no money or healthcare for doctor visit or professional help.