Sorry I’m so wordy, and you probably don’t care. I guess I’m just whiny.
My timeline of friends and now I have no one..
I feel much more comfortable during night time, I don’t know why exactly. It is silent outside, I don’t have anything that I have to do, just sitting in front of the computer doing one or the other of the many things computers let you to do. Of course it is just an escape from my mind and thoughts, but it is a good feeling. Night is almost over though. I wish the night never ended, that relaxed/relieved feeling never ended. I hope tomorrow won’t be a bad day…
I am broken
I fear I’ve always been this way
what was it that broke me?
i doubt anyone could say
the doctors are confused
I lived a good life
supporting parents
no abuse
yet I’m broken
i often pretend I’m not
pretend I’m whole
pretend I’m happy
but I can never pretend for long
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I always wished to be invisible when in class but for some Reason I going what I wanted but not the way I wanted I was always noticed by my pears and unnoticed my my family or maybe just ignored I don’t know I have depression also I’m dyslexic and have dyslexic it’s “OK” to have dyslexica and have dyslexic but depression NOOOOO! That can’t be how can the people how love you not notice that I have something wrong with me I admit I’m good at hiding things or trying to ” thanks to school” but we see each other everyday just HOW ?. […]
“I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words. That’s why people misunderstand me.”
caveats, inherent to their nature and purpose, usu come after, being creatures that covet comfort, but fuck strunk and white (writers know who the fuck these O-muthafuckin-Gs are) but CAVETE*** if I were asked, what are you rebelling against, my bone marrow would diffuse the clichéd and ironic answer,….;”what the fuck you got?’ thru evry poor, every vessel; my body w2ould find itself inclined, not a single fiber exempt, interstitial fluid would provide the bass line….society no longer bothers me, and there is something intrinsicly wrong with that…but i digress….***cavete; the longer thiese linesz proliferate out into the void of the dead that walk among […]
“Rory, what’s the weather like in that head of yours?”
“In my head?”
“Yes, what’s the weather like?”
“The weather is…ill.”
“And by ill, you mean?”
“I mean…the weather does not bode well for how I’d rather be feeling.”
“So what you’re saying is, you would like to be happy but thoughts prevent you from such happiness?”
“Sure, you sound like you already knew that.”
“To an extent, but I’d like to hear it from you. Tell me all about this ‘weather’.”
“It’s cloudy, like it usually is. I can’t see or feel the sun against my skin. I can’t hear the birds singing. I can’t smell anything but the inevitable rain soon to […]
I don’t know why I go on anymore, it’d be easiest to give it a fucking rest and be the recluse I’m meant to be. I just drag myself through this hell again and again. I have nobody else to blame but myself for the way I feel. I just wish sometimes I wasn’t so alone, but the thing is that it’s my fault and there’s no good excuse for it. Most days I can force the smile on my face to be real enough that even I believe it, for a time at least. The thing is that no matter how long I smile […]
It was on this day eleven years ago that I decided to die. I was seventeen, and while I won’t violate policy by stating my method, the short story is that it was ineffective.
Ever since I was 12 or so, living has quite simply felt wrong. But I dealt with it. This fundamental issue was exacerbated by an issue that arose soon after. I had a really good friend, but every time she had a boyfriend, I got ridiculously jealous. Oddly enough, I always found a way to explain away my feelings. When similar situations arose in subsequent years, I concocted all kinds of ridiculous […]
Holes in the front, holes in the back
Pink holes, brown holes, and even black
Some holes are smelly, hidden benethe
Oher holes peck your cute little cheeks
intake, outtake, holes can do it all
Some holes feel good, and some are very small
We came from a hole, and will be buried in one too
In the grand scheme of things, holes are me and you.
Thinking of staying around for a wee bit I’ve got a few natural health supplements helping my illness. I won’t say what though. Had a good day well pretty much. Thinking I have work on the brain if a company can or are willing to accept and employ someone who’s been unwell
Have you ever thought of yourself as pathetic. I have too many times. Here I am, good life, good parents and siblings, good house, good school, and yet, I lack soooo much willpower. Will. I just have no will. Why do people with such screwed up lifestyles and in such screwed up situations be so awesome with great personality, character, and drive and I’m just here… No drive. I’m just so pathetic. I wouldn’t commit suicide due to feeling guilty towards my parents, the people who have looked after me, and all the people trying so hard but in such screwed up situations, but seriously… […]
Enrolled into the university. Mother had to leave me alone in the capital, giant and unforgiving, because we are from a little city (6 h from the one I’m currently in). I’ve always felt I don’t belong but now more than ever. Sneaked into a tall building unaware of it’s security. Turned out there were lattices on every window and the exit to the roof was blocked. First suicide fail. Peace is the only thing I’m craving for right now. Might be my last post. I have no knowledge of what’s lying ahead. Love, my gratitude & good luck, Hikari.
So, some trivial shit happened about an hour ago:
*Nephew pulls pins out of board, I lose my shit and pick them all up*
Me: Mom, where do we keep the pins?
Mom: How about, instead o-
Me: Uh, I just want t-
Mom: YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOU BROTHER… AND YOUR FATHER!!!
Me: Mom, I just want to know where-
Mom: WHY, YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!
At this point, no one would tell me where to leave them, so I just left them on the table, my sister comes into my room, throws them all over my bed, and yells at me for leaving pins where […]
I am a girl who is 19 years old. For years I have always contemplated suicide. I have physically harmed myself in many ways, including hitting my head against stuff, punching walls, and cutting up my hands. Recently, I have been thinking into deeper matters. Life usually is supposed to get better, right? Doesn’t occur in my case. Regardless of what goes on in my life, no matter how positive I am in all situations, nothing ever good happens. Yes I hear the whole it gets better speech, everything anybody can name and all the stuff from the books. I’ve heard personal experiences and all […]
I have become so so depressed and I really do not know what else to do I know i can count on 2 of my friends to open up too and my mom and shit but still I feel so lonely,im also currently going througha break up after beinng woth my boufriend for the past 2 years and i cant even explain how empty i am without him, fulll of rage and hurt though i don’t show it often. My social abilities are so fucking weak and i hate it,and i hate how bad my anxiety is. It almost physically hurts, it feels as if […]
I think I’m the reason I can’t have nice things. I break everyone good who comes into my life. Fuck you very much to the doctors and nurses who “saved” me that night in the ER in November 2011. You should have let the benzos finish what they’d started.
For the past four years I’ve struggled with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression, but the thing is I think I had anxiety and depression before I even figured out I had it…5 years ago I was 15,lost and confused.. To start off my first year of highschool was a fail and I pretty much quit the first week, I went to one class everyday for a week because all of it was over too whelming for me and I didn’t understand why I figured you know it’s highschool it’s probably over whelming for everyone, but I knew it was different for me when I started thinking […]
Things are not good for me. More or less I am nothing more then a dissapointment in everything I do. I am a failure as a boyfriend,father,friend,son,grandson…you name it. I am falling apart in every way imaginable. I hate to look at myself,and no matter what I do I can’t seem to pull out of this. I tried to end it once,but was “saved” by 2 friends….not this time. I have a short period of time before my 2 year suicide clause is up on my life insurance,I have a storage unit large enough to fit my truck in it rented so no one can […]