I am screwing up my life for no reason. I just feel like the way I was living was not getting me anywhere, so I decided to drop college and live my life on the road. But I am so fucking scared. I need someone to do this with me. Because if I continue living this life, in which I have to be always high to get trough a day, I will go mad. My life right now doesn’t make me wanna do better. I don’t need happiness. In fact, I kinda want to be miserable, because I am too scared that I really messed […]
Tag:
hope
First bid goodbye to those wielding knives
Then dim out from their shining lives
Next clear out all your promises
And shatter your own pulsing conscience
First fly away to a foreign land
Then distribute your every grand
Next write a will for things to come
And hope they’re not after that tiny sum
First stop paying your mobile phone
Then make sure you stay all alone
Next buy yourself a magnum gun
And float above the midnight sun
the other night I was crying
and thinking about dying
I grabbed my knife and felt the familiar sting from my addiction to cutting.
i laid back and I felt dizzy. probably from the blood I lost.
looked down at my arms and legs and wondered who could love a girl like me.
then my beautiful little cat snuggled up against my cut up arm gently. put her paw against them and laid there until I stopped crying. like she knew what was going on. like she knew I needed any kind of comfort in that moment.
maybe if my cat can still love me there’s hope for people to.
I can’t help myself. I’m just a bad masochist gay person. I want to die… Everything is pain … I have a sick thoughts. I remeber the days when i was trying to chase my brother just to satisfy him sexualy. And he’s calling me names … Devil and so on etc … I wish and hope that this is just a bad dream or a nightmare …
I just want to sleep … For God’s sake …
So very alone. So very sick.
I’m running out of hope, and maybe that’s not the worst thing.
I’m sitting on my couch, in my underwear, after binging on food. I’m still binging on food. I feel disgusting and overwhelmed, surrounded by the grime of my house, a house I’m unable to care for no matter what I do.
I don’t know if it’s right for me to write here. What if I trigger someone to go through with their own suicide? It’s difficult to stop obsessively caring.
I don’t know if I can stay alive much longer. I don’t know if it’s right for me to. Some people […]
I remember looking into the mirror and being disgusted at the pitiful, worthless person I saw before me. I loathed myself, everything about myself. I was fearful of the world around me and felt suffocated by the pain that I had endured. My life meant nothing, I was nothing.
Now I sit here reading all of these posts, all of these reflections of me and my heart bleeds. I remember not so long ago feeling this way. Planning my death and thinking about how my suicide would be successful this time around if I did it this way or that way.
After something particularly devastating […]
But I’m done!!
I can’t do this anymore!!
oh and Happy Easter to you all
i hope you all get through it better then I did
Note the sarcasm in that post? Yeah. Loaded.
I am bringing him up on workplace harassment charges. Today I learned, in addition to him calling me a dumbass in front of everyone, that he’s been telling the guys I work with that he and I were VERY intimate. Uh, no. Never happened. Not even close. So now I know why I few of the guys are being suspiciously nice, and why the one very religious guy almost literally runs away at the mere sight of my face. Let’s make this clear, I’m a virgin, not a goddamn whore. I get promoted because I work my ass […]
It’s too quiet in here.
I can hear myself cry, and hiss out words that usually come as mumbles.
It was once a place of serenity.
It was once the place of my joy,
but now I find it only to contain an inescapable hell.
It’s a place filled with shadows,
and a place filled with comfort.
My temple and my asylum,
my punishment and my reward.
This place smells of candles overcome with the misuse of lysol in a can.
I […]
I could never say this in public. I get such a hopeful feeling when I read about SP members who have escaped this life. It’s tragic that they, or anyone, would suffer so much that they have to kill themselves. But being in that hell myself, I can only focus on the escape, imagining myself in their place, and using that to remind myself that there is an end to this pain.
I guess we talk & think about it so much, some of us for years, that suicide starts to feel like an impossible dream. Sometimes the more we obsess over an idea, the more […]
Giving someone false hope is the worst…
It saddens me so to read all the comments and realise – most people don’t understand us at all.
Society has been going on and on about how we suicidal people need anti-depressants. About how we have mood fluxes and that our suicidal thoughts are irrational, born from irrational feelings.
No.
Most of us have thought about this long and hard. We’ve tried it once. But at that last moment, we see a glittering, shimmering light of hope. Our choices to end our own lives are not something that springs from the moment. We think about it, we plan about it, and we’ve always found that it was […]
Isn’t it fun when you see someone you used to know, get a glimpse of how successful and fruitful their life has been, and meanwhile the only thing you can hope to do is die.
Because you’re such a fucking failure and your life is nonexistent, all you can hope to do is die.
Some spark of the old competition flares up in you, but it’s silly because you fail so hard at life.
When he found out I was cutting, he tried not to help the urge. Then he used it as a threat. He then got scared if others found out. Now he’s back to yelling, pushing me to cut or commit. I wish I could. The worst I can so is cut. I can’t commit. I am able too. I do not fear Death. But milady said to not disappear. So, I will pursue some hope in this pit of Hell.
Although you may think of me
as a Suicidal Teen. I don’t think of myself like that.
I think of myself as trying to be saved cause I know there’s still that
one slither of hope.
So next time you see me know I’m really trying here,
and not just letting my fears win ; there pretty damn close to
overcoming me if I do say so myself.
I’ve just realized I have a pretty big spending problem. It’s like I’m living pay check to pay check. I’m not sure why I’m doing it though.
Probably just buying some comfort for an hour that ends up making me feel like shit after.
I’ve been doing it quite often it seems. What is happening to me? Some sort of impulse behaviour to calm me? Trying to hold onto hope? Something more primal?
I don’t know. But I gotta stop. Bills need to be paid. Though maybe it’s been a hindrance to getting better? Or preventative measures to avoid getting worse.
Dreams can give you hope when you’re hopeless, they give you reasons to hold on, they can give you strengh and energy to move on and overcome the difficulties.However, dreams they can grow BIIIIIG, and if they grow really big and you realize that you can’t make them come true…well…THEY SIMPLY RUN WILD!.They will become a burden, a heavy burden and make your life unbearable, then smash you into pieces.
Goodbye world. Thanks for those of you who have helped me.. but I’m afraid there is no longer hope for me here.
So, I was filling out my application for my possession and acquisition license (gun license, yay Canada!), and it turns out I need two references, people who have known me for at least three years.
I don’t know anybody except co-workers and I’m not going to ask them. Even if I did have people I could ask, I don’t want them to know that I’m in the process of acquiring a firearm.
Guess I’m going to have to make up a couple references, which is probably a federal offense, and hope they don’t check on my references. I doubt they check the references of every application, and […]
Yep…I’m losing hope. Again. I can only pray that next time I attempt suicide I succeed, in the hope that I don’t have to exist anymore. Who wants heaven or hell? It’s bullshit. I want to just not exist.