I am so lost… i am a single father 2 kids, their mother is a drug addict and has abandoned them for 3 years march 12th, i have 2 deaf parents so growing up was very hard, to never be able to talk about your feelings to your own mom hurts me alot, i know sign language but its just not the same… i have constant feelings of giving up, when i look at my kids i cry, when i think about my family i cry. i have gone nowhere for my whole life, dropped out at 16 and never made a attempt to be […]
I’ve wanted to die not long after I’d been born. The first time I tried to kill myself was when I was four years old. And for the people who have told me that my brain wasn’t fully developed yet, its impossible, i wasn’t capable of feeling suicidal, bullshit. I remember it. I wanted to die and I was perfectly capable of feeling hopeless. Â The next seven times I tried to kill myself was when I was ten years old and living in hell. I remember I brought a large steak knife up to my room and just held it up to my neck till […]
I try to hide my insecurities, my hopelessness. I don’t know how to release them all. I hide my depression. I mean, I guess there are signs. But I’m pretty sure I’ve hid all signs of ever thinking about suicide. I cut, it will definitely show. So it would be very small. I’d hurt myself. But I bruise easily. There’s only so much you can attribute to clumsiness. I can hide little bruises, little things, but never anything big.
I like to project myself as a sunny person, so no one must know how screwed I am. My disposition is “sunny”. I don’t talk much, just […]
There is a man, clad in black
Who follows me around
Wherever I go
He is feared by many
But not by me—not usually
He used to follow me from a distance
Teasing me, staying just out of sight
But now, whenever I turn my head
I see him looking over my shoulder
Always there, a silent companion,
A guardian, I pray
My dear silent companion
Bold and unafraid
I cannot seem to shake him
No matter where I hide or turn
But I want him to stay;
Without him I’m afraid
I hate him when I lie awake
And he wiggles […]
Well, some of you on chat knows me as CL and I’m just getting to the end of my tether here. And talk about timing. My mother and her partner have just announced their engagement last night and me, my sis and her fiancée only know at the moment. They’re all in their own happy worlds even though there are hardships here and there and there’s me wanting to kill myself. I got everything I need to go out via Carbon Monoxide and today or tomorrow seems like the only times when I get enough time to go through with it without being disturbed. I […]
Please keep yourselves alive, for although your present circumstance might seem helpless and hopeless, it most likely will change for the better, and at least give yourselves the opportunity to cultivate abstract hope in the absence of hope, for this shall help you ride out the hopelessness of a future down cycle.
As the title states, this is my first post. I don’t even know what  to say except that life feels meaningless.
If I wasn’t such a chicken shit I’d probably have offed myself back in college, but I’ve always been too scared to do it.
My depression started like a spiderweb crack– at first, it was isolated, but now it has spread and I feel like I bring misery to everyone who loves me. I lose everyone who gets close to me because they meet me and I seem so great and bubbly and fun to be with, and then they slowly have to watch me sink […]
i have never felt this hopeless before. i just want it all to go away and i can only think of suicide. i always told myself that i would never do it however its all ive been thinking about lately. its always on my mind. i just want the pain and the hopelessness to go away. im such a failure in life. i have nothing going for me. the only reason why ive stayed this long is for my little sisters and my boyfriend other than that i would have been gone a long time ago. but right now im scared because lately i have […]
I do believe I’ve begun to talk to myself as if someone else is there. I’m talking to a pretend someone who will help me with my problems. Except I woke up last night on the verge of a panic attack with just an aching feeling of grief and loneliness, hopelessness, worthlessness. I just moaned and threw myself around in circles because no matter what, the aching never left
I have been lurking on this site for a while, and a few months ago I began to post some of my own thoughts here. Within a short span of time this site has begun to play a very important role in my everyday life. It has generated a wide-range of emotions from me, especially the SP-Chat.
Through this place I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life while at the same time it has caused me much emotional and mental anguish. I’ve become quite addicted to visiting this site, reading posts, hearing the ideas and emotions people are expressing and learning from […]
It was a normal saturday. And a lonely one at that. It was late at night, music playing and I was drowning in tears. I lay staring up at the ceiling with thoughts circling round in my head on repeat like a broken record…’Nobody will miss if I die’ ‘I’m worthless’ ‘I’ve got nothing to live for’.
Those words followed me everywhere, and my mind was consumed with the hopelessness of ending my life, and that night, that was the decision i’d made.
To end my life.
To put an end to the misery.
I went into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills i’d been eyeing […]
I’m not a high school student who failed a test or was dumped by someone I had a crush on.
I’m not a twenty year old with no direction in life and alone.
I’m not thirty years old, single, unmarried, with a mediocre job and a mortgage.
I’m 44 years old… that’s important to know.
When I first killed myself, I was 18. After I was brought back, everyone told me that life would get better–that all I had to do was just hang in there for a little while longer.
When I attempted to kill myself at 27, everyone told me that life would get better and all I […]
My one friend left doesn’t live anywhere near me. I was supposed to spend the weekend at her house, and to be honest I couldn’t wait because I needed to tall her everything that’s been going on with me emotionally– she was the last thing keeping me from going over the edge. She just told me that lots of people are going to be at her house this weekend. I guess its a combination of my social anxiety and the fact that when Im around new and many people its just gives me depression meltdowns where I can’t even do anything about them, and just […]
I’ve failed.
at so many things.
life, mostly. work. people. I’m consumed by the pointlessness of it all, now, too. I can’t see a way out. And nothing makes sense.
I just want it all to go away.
One way or another.
Alone in the darkness, I ask myself if tonight is my last. But I take a picture to remind myself that if anyone can find the beauty in this life of hopelessness and guilt and heartache, it’s me. So I stare into the face of sadness and instead of looking for flaws, I look for elegance. Sometimes pain masks the grace in each of us, but sometimes, if we look hard enough, pain reveals it.
So I just read all my old posts and sent them to a friend she is very supportive and I feel better. My old posts made me feel the hopelessness and a little taste of everything i was/am feeling. I realized some things. The only time i feel like im free from my depression is when i shove it deep down into myself, but eventually it overflows. i wanted this to be longer because i have a lot to say but maybe another time. the point is depression is like my scars they never fully go away. Example: I have been feeling complete and unbearable […]
I am emotionally numb. I recognize that my emotions are there deep beneath but I do not connect with them. Almost as if they are not real. As if I’m possibly inventing them, in an attempt to pacify a need in me to be normal and socially accepted. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if what I feel is anxiety. I can’t speak in public and don’t leave my house much because I don’t want to socialize due to my negative self-image and inability to really empathize with others adequately. But is that considered anxiety? I don’t know. Sometimes […]
joblessness…
homelessness…
hopelessness…
lifelessness…
Hopelessness…black like filthy oil rains from darkened skies and gray clouds. My chin pressed to my scarred chest as my hair, dirty blonde acid conceals a marred face. I’ve done my best. A 3 year battle. The mud beneath my feet still warm with fresh blood. Rusted chains bound bloodied hands behind my lashed back and I feel my wrists bleeding. Four heavy steps more and the heat burns more than my skin. I will not look at those ebony gates because I know..the same gates that have claimed my soul since the beginning of the battle. So thirsty, are the gates of Hades. Rising into the sky […]
I, am a suicide survivor. I know not everyone will believe my story, like I know, but I do ask you to listen to me. I was there.
On a late winter night (seven years ago) I found myself homeless. After SEVERAL suicide “attempts’ (not too too serious ones) I made up my mind, that this was it. I was Agnostic/Atheist. I wasn’t sure what I believed, yet. I later that night found myself living with a group of drug addicts, not very pleasant. So, I took my razor from my wallet and sliced into my arm, repeatedly. I ate only handfuls of aspirin, and one […]