I wrote my final goodbyes. I finally feel at peace. I know its the end of the road for me but I need everyone else to know that life will get better because they are strong. They will prosper and triumph in their lives. I think I’m going to wait at most a week before doing the final act just incase anything changes. If you do not hear back from me after a week then you know the deed has been done. Goodbye everyone, I wish you the best of luck and I pray that your lives turn out better than mine did. Enjoy life […]
I’ve been so close lately. I think about it constantly but I would never do it. I just stare at the pill bottle and wonder how I don’t have the guts to do it. I just don’t understand anything anymore. I am so confused and I don’t think I am getting the help that I need in daily therapy. I go to a treatment program and now they want to send me to an eating disorder facility. I don’t know what I need anymore all I know is that I can’t keep going on like this in agony. But I do have something to look […]
I don’t know what to do. My therapist convinced me that i should go inpatient at a mental hospital for a week and i agreed that i should go and then the next day i told my parents about it and they convinced me that i don’t need it. I don’t know who to listen to. Do i listen to a trained professional or my parents. need i say that my boyfriend is siding with my therapist. he thinks and his dad thinks that i need to go inpatient because i am to unstable. I don’t know who to listen to. I just feel like […]
i havent felt this low in a long time. i have slipped right back to what i used to do. the next thing i know im cutting again. oh god. any advice?
i tried killing myself on march 5th, but it didnt work. at first i was super upset that it didnt work but over time i got over it. i guess you can say a lot has happened since i last posted. I was cutting everyday and it was tearing my relationship with my boyfriend to shreds. i switched to a razor blade and i started cutting deeper. i wasnt stopping until i saw blood and a lot of it. i have divets in my skin now where i cut they arent even scars they are like valleys in my skin. im in a treatment facility […]
I havent been on here in a very long time but i find it necessary because i started cutting again and its worse than before. My boyfriend said that if i cut one more time that he was going to leave me and i couldnt stop myself and i cut and now today he told me that he wants to talk to me face to face probably so he can break up with me. I am dreading going over there. I didnt just come out and say it either he took my phone and read my messages because i was talking about the […]
i have never felt this hopeless before. i just want it all to go away and i can only think of suicide. i always told myself that i would never do it however its all ive been thinking about lately. its always on my mind. i just want the pain and the hopelessness to go away. im such a failure in life. i have nothing going for me. the only reason why ive stayed this long is for my little sisters and my boyfriend other than that i would have been gone a long time ago. but right now im scared because lately i have […]
Me and my friend gabby have decided today that we are going to kill ourselves. We dont know when but we both are going to go together. We just feel that no one cares enough and that no once would mind if we were gone. My boyfriend would but i barely see him anymore and being away from him is killing me but just incase someone reads this after i die.. he is not the reason for my final act. if anything he kept moving the date farther and farther forward. I just feel like i cant see a future with me in it. almost […]
I am losing a fight to a battle that i will never win. I have bipolar and i have been manic for the past couple of months and if you dont know manic means extremely happy. but as you also may know, after mania comes a period of severe depression. I am fighting that off lately. I can feel it creeping on my and its right there within reach of me and i am becoming to tired or fighting to ward it off any longer. I am going to my psychiatrist tomorrow and im going to tell her that ive been feeling really down lately. […]
I took myself off of my meds without my doctors permission.l didnt like feeling like a zombie. I am used to being sad all of the time and now i cant even be sad at all. The meds are definitely doing its job but i just dont like not being sad. i know that sounds absolutely crazy but its the way i am and the truth. I wonder if my parents will wonder that i am not taking my meds. i wonder what my psychiatrists will think when she finds out. ITs a risk im willing to take. NO MEDS FOREVER!
Finally, i am not unpredictable. I am stable because of my meds. I take 15 mg or g of abilify for bipolar disorder( i dont remember what the dose is its either mg or g). I dont feel like i could explode at any moment in time. This is all kind of new to me.. being stable. I have for my whole life been used to being unstable and psychotic. I almost think that the meds are working almost too well because i dont really feel anything anymore. I dont feel happy or sad or anything. what do you guys think i should do.. enjoy […]
My job is so stressful that i am seriously always thinking about suicide. I cant leave my job because i have applied EVERYWHERE and no where is hiring so i have to get money to pay for gas somehow so i have to keep my job and its killing me. when i even think about my job even right now as i am typing this i want to break down in tears, throw up, and kill myself all at the same time. I just want to let out a long loud scream and ball my eyes out. I hate my job and it makes me […]
If only my sisters new the truth that my dad cheated on my mom and i was the one that found my dad cheating on my mom. They would finally understand why i hate daddy. THey just dont understand why i hate him so much. THey think they had the best child hood ever but it was only because i was there to protect them from everything that was going on. I wish i could tell them but they are the type of people that dont want to hear anything bad. So they ignore it and pretend like it doesnt exist. I hate that so […]
I keep having mental and nervous breakdowns over the stupidest things. For one, when ever i think of my job (subway) i wanna break down crying because i hate it so much. Just having the dog pee on my bed will set me off into a huge crying and sobbing episode that will last for hours. I have panic attacks when that happens. I am seeing a psychiatrist and i dont know how to bring up the fact that i think i need xanax or ativan or something because when i have those episodes i become very suicidal. I have bipolar by the way so […]
I feel so paranoid lately. I dont know why. I feel like something bad is going to happen. The other day i was freakign out because i thought i was on a boat and we were all going to drown. then the day of the colorado shooting i went to the movies and i was so scared and paranoid that the theater was going to fill up with water and that we would all drown. I was so nervouse the whole movie. I dont know how i didnt run out of the theater and outside and start hyperventilating. I am so paranoid lately. I feel […]
Why do siblings always know exactly where to peirce you with a knife to make it hurt so bad that you just want to crumble into a million pieces and just break down and fall and cry forever. They can always make sure you are always either happy or sad. One jab of that stupid knife of theirs and youre down for the count.
I hate feeling left out and hate when people make me feel small and my sisters know that. I just went into my sisters room real quick to tell her something and she told me to get out. (not a good […]
Why do you guys think that music is such a huge trigger for people. I can definitely say that it is a trigger for me. I always cry when i listen to music. even if its happy music. it really sucks because i love music so much. it just makes me so upset and depressed. 🙁 liek right now. im listening to music and im fighting back an emotional burst right now.
A few days ago i was diagnosed with bipolar not otherwise specified. my medication that my pyschiatrist is only enhancing my mood swings. its horrible. i feel like im going crazy and im a ticking time bomb. i almost threw objects at my sisters at two different times; today and yesterday. its getting really bad.
i have always been suicidal but i have always thought that it could get better. for some reason something has clicked in me. i dont care what happens to me now and im scared of that. like last night i was texting and driving and i wasnt watching the road because i said to myself that i dont care if i crash. if it happens it happens. like ive never felt like i dont care. i have always felt some inkling of hope and i dont. i was on my way home from school and i was seeing myslef in my head killing myself. and […]
I hate being bullied. I always have this swag like yeah sure what ever you words arent hurting me but they kill me everytime i hear them. Now the people who are nice to me to my face are talking smack about me to my little sister when she is over her friends house! and she wont even defend me she just sits there and nods. like seriously. who can i trust if my own sister wont stand up for me?? i hate when people use me for my smarts and then behind my back they say all these horrible things. spread all of the […]