I feel bad and gross and annoyed and sad. I’m never good enough for other people. I’m always everyone’s second choice. I could never be anyone’s favorite person. Why would I be though? I’m horrible at socializing. Id rather be alone than with other people. When I’m alone I’m just myself. I’m not worried of being judged. Saying the wrong things. Not being talkative enough. Not being energetic enough. I feel tired as hell 75% of the day. When I’m with other people I feel lonelier than when I’m with myself. That makes no sense. But why don’t people like me? Do I not look […]
Someone on this forum told me that I look like a man with long hair.
That’s how ugly I am. People can’t even tell that I’m a woman. 🙁
Behold the horrible man-woman! T~T
Lou Tzu once said
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace then you are living in the present”.
But what he didn’t realize is that I may not be anxious, but I am at peace. I am at peace with my depression, my insecurities, my scars, my imperfections, and my horrible thoughts. I may not be living in the present, past, or future, but I am living, and that is all that is important.
When you constantly hear how horrible of a person you are, especially from your own sibling and parent, you start to second guess yourself and even start to believe it.
Ugh. What’s brought me here tonight. My blood is so heavy. I’m exhausted. Really been feeling the physical symptoms of depression for the last 2 weeks. I’ve had two attempts about 4 years ago. I will admit they were probably more a cry for help than anything else. I wanted…needed my pain to be seen and I chose a stupid way to do that. Both times were embarrassing. Hospital time and then 72 miserable hour holds. I swore to myself I’d never do it again unless I knew I could succeed, which leaves me in this really shitty position I’ve been in for awhile now. […]
I saw an updated photo of my ex. I kind of miss him. I wish things were like they were before – when we actually got along. When we weren’t at each others throats. I loved him, and while seeing that picture of him today, I realized I still do. It makes me regret what I said about his mother that much more. I didn’t mean it, but it was still a low blow. He was mad at me at the time – we were fighting about something, and he said something that had offended me. I don’t remember what it was, it must have […]
I’m tired these muscles spasms n my anxiety makes it worse I feel like dying every day I want this pain to end my whole.body hurts I’m everything I do to make myself relax n try n get better it sucks nothing help pills or cream or this pain it feels like my body is going hunchback n shit it really hurts n want to get surgery but doctor needs more info from.my scans I have to take n I can’t stand still arm muscles feel so bad I’m getting worse I’m.any better I want stop this I’m hopeless can I call it quits I […]
Now, I’ve said a lot about how much I hate myself and want to die, but I haven’t really gone into who exactly I am as a person that makes me hate myself. Here I’ll go into detail about the things that make me despise who I am as a person.
I didn’t have a shred of hatred for myself until I was about 10. This was where certain things in my life began to shape me into the self-loathing person I am today.
It started when a close friend my Grandmother had at the time crawled into my bed as I was sleeping one night, put […]
The night before last I let my anchor go – the only person who held me somewhat together. He broke up with me last year after a few years of long distance dating but we remained close friends up until now. He has a new girlfriend and it was clear he was drifting further away from our friendship no matter how much he denied it. I don’t blame him. He was broken like me when I met him, not suicidal that I know of but certainly depressed, and over the years he has gotten better and I have not.
It was probably horrible of me but […]
Zopiclone is squirting into my brain. If they find a way to make the taste you find in your mouth at this point less horrible, it would be much appreciated.
My mind is starting to melt like candles, bright glittering, forming pools of liquid, yet a solid.
I was told these can make some people hallucinate if you try to resist the urge to sleep, but it didn’t work for me.
I didn’t mean to make this post so long, but typing the last few paragraphs has been incredibly hard and and glittering sparking birds fly through the sky, they feed off the weak. They […]
I was looking through my old writings and found this. Just thought I’d post it.
I didn’t lose.
I didn’t lose for sure.
I never wanted to consume
something so horrible.
I never wanted to get shaken
by spoiled thoughts.
I fought.
I fought for all the rights
that concern me.
I did not lose.
I won.
I won and kept on living.
My friends have lost.
I kicked them to the ground and broke their bones so that they may never want me.
My family has lost.
I sent them away in my heart to avoid the pain of reality.
My loss came to my form.
I have hit […]
My life went to shit in my early 20’s after my mom had turned my dad into a psycho and i thought he was the bad guy until i realized what an evil human being my mother is. now i am almost 30 and Her being evil has ruined my life in so many ways i cannot even descibe the anger i feel thinking about it. I had a great childhood and never had any extreme hatred towards my mom until after they divorced and my dad kicked me out of his place for not having a job and stealing a bit of money which […]
I’ve been away from the site for a couple of weeks and I have to weigh in on Robin Williams. Nobody seems to understand how personal pain can be so great to drive a person to destroy themselves in such a violent and agonizing way. Think for a moment (if you haven’t) how horrible it would be to hang from the neck using a leather belt – not “hang” as they do in a calculating way to snap the neck but to hang, suffocating in violent pain until you pass out – maybe more than once.
I write this not to be morbid in any way but […]
I thought i would never see u again
i thought i barried u down deep
but your back
with that horrible feelings
ur trying to get to me
but it worked
u got me
and now im going to kill myself
happy i bet u are
Well good bye world
-brian
I rarely come on this site…but I think it’d be a good time to post to get a little off my chest. I don’t know how to feel about life right now. I feel so alone and just overall confused. I really am looking forward to the day where I truly love myself and feel at peace. I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far. I know I’m a shitty person to the people that really matter and who will always be there for me. I’m so selfish towards my family, yet I never do anything about it. Another thing that is just […]
Hello!
I think you guys deserve an update on how I am. 🙂
Also, how are you guys? I haven’t talked to you in a bit. So yeah please do tell me how you are.
If you know about my little technology problem, (I got locked out of my iPad with no back up, no previously synced computer, and practically no way getting access to my iPad without wiping everything) it is okay now. I wiped my things. I just did it. And I only deleted like 80 pictures, 2 notes, 3 videos, and that’s it. 😀 I got my music back and my apps, […]
I hate how awful my brother makes me feel. I hate how I have to smile for my mom. I hate how my brother is like my mom and gets easily mad. I hate how I do the same to my little brother and have to try to stop myself. I hate how I do the same things all day. I hate when it’s my mom’s off days because she is always watching to make sure I act happy. I hate how my mom hates the real me. I hate how she loves this mask, this facade. I hate how even on here I’m just […]
So, if any of you have been following any of my posts, Im going through a horrible time with losing my girls. I took over some lime skittles (almost impossible to find now and they were her favorite), a barbie for my little girl, and a card with some cash for her to use on whatever. I left them on her doorstep this morning and said in the card, “you dont need to call or text and thank me, I just want you to know I care and am thinking about you”
She sent me an email this morning that said, “I received your gifts on […]
Maybe she is the smart one. Maybe I am just rotten inside. Maybe I was so horrible to her that she cant forgive me. I didnt think I was. I loved her with everything I am but maybe the stupid mistakes I made were that horrible. She is better off without me. I dont deserve anyone, especially her. She is amazing. I am nothing. I mean why would anyone want to be with someone who cuts themselves? She should run away. Run far away Bonney. Get away from this monster you were with. She deserves happiness and I cant give that to her. She wants […]
These thoughts in my head are horrible.
I’m so scared,it’s not even the fact im having suicidal thoughts,its the fact that nobody can hrlp me and that this time they’re scaring me.
They’re winning.
For the first time in a long time.
What do i do?i dont feel in control i just keep screaming and crying,i cant eat and im struggling to stand for long periods of time..
I dont want too go,not yet..but i might have too.