Well as you can see above (Phobias from Hell) are the root cause for my want of self destruction. I know this is somehow cliche with myÂ appearance, but I can’t change a stereotype.
Since early childhood I have had an irrational, severe phobia of doctors. I can’t even go to the school nurse with out a panic attack. To go along perfectly with my fear of doctors, I’m a hypochondriac to the extreme. When I was 12 I was convinced I was dying of colon cancer and (tad graphic, sorry) at any moment I would discharge blood from my bowels and that would be that. After a year that fear kind of numbed away. The hypochondria still happened from time to time, but now it’s back withÂ vengeance and in a new form. I’m convinced my glands in my groin are swollen and that I have lymphoma. They aren’tÂ visibleÂ and barely feel able, but my mind still registers it as I’m severely sick and dying. My panic attacks are paralyzing and leave me a sad hollow shell. This is part of the reason why I want out of life.
School could be another factor, or rather my endless agenda. That ” same shit, different day ” saying is my life. I understand high school is a shortÂ chapterÂ in life’s journey, but it brings me even lower. I have one person to talk to. I can’t say I didn’t inflict it on myself, the mohawk/combat boots/punk band shirts can kinda ward people off in the small hick town I live in. I walk through halls and speak when addressed by a teacher, but aside from that I pass through without a notice.
My parents love me I’m sure, but we have no relationship. We see each other and maybe say as much as 20 words to each other in an entire day. They don’t understand Â my panic attacks or thought process. Their more concerned about my little sister which is fine with me, they should do their best to establish a relationship with her while they can make one. They also are very un-supportive of the life style I lead. They absolutely despise my vegetarianism, they don’t want me to go to cosmetology school, but I gag at the thought of college. That’s the biggest hole in our relationship. The College thing. I won’t get too into it, but I’ve built a hatred for higher education. I shouldn’t let there disapproval or doubt phase me, but it makes me feel like I’ll never go anywhere in life.
I know all of this just sounds utterly pathetic and attention seeking like, but maybe I want a little attention. I don’t know. In a way this was sort ofÂ therapeutic. My plan though is that if I am sick I’ll end it. Maybe OD on heroin (never done drugs before and the few people who talk to me know my deep hatred for drugs) and go down with Sid Vicious, Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. Or maybe I’ll hang myself and someone will find my body swaying back and forth. Or maybe just bleed out. After all isn’t it better to burn out rather than fade away?