Dying has never been easy for any human being, at least for any of the human being I’ve met throughout my life. The idea of leaving the world for visiting some unknown existence is just scaring. But, for me, the worst thing about dying is never have theÂ guarantee of seeing your loved ones again.
I said before that one of my friends, one of the important people in my life, was trying to hate me but he wasn’t able to. Well, now I know he hates me. I know, this is my fault. A friend, who I really trust, told me that he hates me. When he told me that I just… wanted to cry. I was about to cry this afternoon and is the second time I cry because of him. I think that he doesn’t understand his importance in my life, in my head, in my sickness. He’s just… he’s too important and IÂ swear to God that if something happen to him I would consider suicide.Â Â Can you believe me? I’m so pathetic. I hate myself. I understand that, if I hate myself, I can’t expect that other people, especially someone so similar to me as he is, don’t hate me. I deserve all the hate. I did thing that disgust myself and I’m sorry. I wish that he knew how much he means to me. I hate myself. This is all my fault, I wish I’d never been born. I should have died when I was born. There is other two people, two friendsÂ includingÂ the one who told me that the other one hates me, that means a lot to me. Two of those three guys already hate me. Hate me, I deserve this shit.
I was supposed to stop smoking today, but I didn’t. I need to stop, just for a few weeks. But with all this I just can’t, I feel too guilty.
I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, indeed, don’t do it. I deserve that you hate me, I deserve my own hate. I deserve to die. This is my fault and I’m theÂ stupidestÂ person. I’m sorry for being hurt, for being empty, for being me. I’m sorry for not doing the mostÂ worthyÂ thing that IÂ shouldÂ do right now: killing myself. Try to understand that I’m too weak, too stupid and tooÂ worthlessÂ for doing this. Sorry for being a slut and having no self respect. Sorry for beingÂ self destructive. Sorry for saying “sorry” all the time. You mean a lot for me, even if I don’t mean anything for you or if I’m just a miserable fuck. Sorry for bothering you, I swear I will never bother you again. Please do notÂ misunderstandÂ my words. Please shoot me.
Love, the weird girl you met at school.